The Church of Cynicism

Change Has Come

2007-01-25T08:56:00.000-08:00

Well, dear members of the Church of Cynicism, it is with sadness that I come to you and let you know that the time of the church is at hand. Yes, the church is shuttin' down. Now, now, this is not a day for sadness, bretheren and.....sister - um - en...

No, see things have just changed for me and my writing career. I am still going to be writing but I am, essentially, selling out to the man and concentrating on the parts that could end up best benefitting me. In short, a man has gotta get paid.

I have been asked to become a Featured Writer in the Humor category at a blogging community called Xomba. You can find my blog postings here: http://www.xomba.com/xombyte/balaspa
The thing is that by becoming Featured Writer I have to give them exclusive content. I also will eventually, hopefully, get paid due to ads sold at the site.

I have also been asked to become a movie reviewer for Associated Content. My Content Producers page is here: http://www.associatedcontent.com/user/10168/bryan_alaspa.html.
I am being sent DVDs to review and I get paid to write these reviews. My reviews will also be linked to the website Rottentomatoes.com sometime in the near future.

I am also hoping to become a featured writer writing on news and issues at Orble.com but that has not come through just yet so I don't have a link yet. Once again as a Featured Writer with them I get cash for ads.

So, yes, the cynic is selling out. On the other hand, you can still find my cynical, smirking, often-negative and, hopefully, mostly humorous blogs at the links above.

I plan to keep this site open for as long as Blogspot will let me. You can still access my archives here and do check out my links. Please visit Daughterofopinion.blogspot.com as often as you can as my friend Jessica has dedicated herself to that site and it is still one of the best places to find some of the best writing online anywhere.

Thanks for stopping by here when you did. Please visit me at my other places. Feel free to leave me messages. Check back from time to time for occasional notices.

Stay cynical. Keep the faith. See you on the Web.

Bryan

The Cure for the Post-Holiday Blues

2007-01-23T05:32:00.000-08:00

It turns out that there is a cure for that nasty little depression that usually settles over your head right after the holidays. You know how it goes. You have all of that happiness, manufactured or not, and activity between the end of October and the end of December. Those last three months of the year always seem to fly by so quickly. You have parties to prepare for. You have to make travel plans. You have to buy gifts. You get drunk. You stagger home. You take time off from work and work has actual time scheduled to be off. It’s great and then January comes and there’s nothing.

Seriously, the human race needs to come up with some kind of additional holiday between January and April. Even when April comes, and with it Easter, it isn’t really the same as those other holidays. In my family Easter was not a big deal. We didn’t get gifts on Easter. You generally don’t even get day off for Easter. Getting worked up about a giant rabbit hiding hard-boiled eggs just wasn’t the same as anxiously awaiting presents and a fat man in a red suit.

So, really, there isn’t much to look forward to until the next October. I guess some people look forward to Memorial Day and Independence Day and maybe Labor Day but they aren’t real holidays. At least you get a day off for Independence Day, though, which is nice. Really, when it comes to holidays Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years really have the monopoly on things.

So, there is that kind of funk that falls over people when January comes around. It almost can’t be helped. Then, I watched football this weekend and, suddenly, I discovered that there was a cure. There is a way to beat that depression and funk and feel really good about the remainder of the winter. So, without further ado, here is my cure.

Step One: Get yourself and NFL franchise. Now, this will likely involve billions of dollars. Technically step one would be the acquisition of billions upon billions of dollars. It would also help to build some kind of facility for this team to play in. I would suggest spending those billions on some sort of stadium. If you have tremendous persuasive powers you might be able to convince the NFL that your team can play at a local college or high school field until the billions for the stadium can be built.

I know what you are saying. Sure, it may be very difficult for the NFL to consider putting an NFL franchise in ever town and city in the country. I never said this was an easy plan. Of course considering how difficult it will be to raise the billions of dollars by the time you have done that your particular town may be as big as a city and convincing the NFL might be much easier. If need be, co-opt a much larger city in relative proximity to the town you happen to live in.

Do whatever you need to do just get a franchise. Bribe and borrow and steal and perhaps grant sexual favors you may not even like but all of it will be worth it in the end.

Step Two: Get yourself some players. This too will take and accumulation of billions of dollars. To get the truly good players you need to offer them multi-million dollar contracts. I suggest you go the George Steinbrenner route and gather as much money as you can and use it to buy any and every player who is any good. Before you know it the Bemidji Bobcats will have the best quarterback, running-backs, defensive players, coaches and kickers the world has ever seen.

Step Three: If you have not already sold tickets I would suggest selling some. You need to recoup those losses from the billions of dollars you have spent on acquiring a team, building a stadium and getting all of the best players and coaches. I suggest you build a stadium that has about eight hundred luxury boxes and about twelve regular seats. A lot of teams make most of their money by renting out these luxury suites to the point that most stadiums really look like some kind of reversed aquariums or something.

Step Four: Now your team needs to play really well. This may be the most difficult part and it may not always work out the way you think. The Chicago Bears played a very up and down season. At times they played brilliantly like the last team that won it all. At other times Rex Grossman looked as lost as a child in a department store who has lost his mommy. You half-expected to see him on the sidelines holding Lovie Smith’s hand with a thumb in his mouth hand snot running down his nose. Still, they have managed to end up at this late point in the season still playing. The key, then, is to keep winning enough key games to eventually get to Step Five.

Step Five: Win the divisions until you make it to the Super Bowl. This should be done shortly after the first of the year, right around playoff time. You will soon find yourself so overjoyed and happy that the depression of the upcoming Valentines Day won’t even bother you. If you are lucky enough to have a spouse who enjoys football then you might even be lucky enough to have a spouse who forgets all about Valentines Day as well.

That’s really all you need to do. I have to tell you, from personal experience, it really does make all of the doldrums of work and gray skies and cold wind disappear. The weatherman may be predicting eighteen feet of snow will fall in one giant lump and cover your entire city and you fill find you do not care. Newscasters will start wearing your team’s jerseys and joking with each other on television.

Of course, the only thing that could make this better would be to take weasely, annoying, shrimpy, make-up-wearing, smirking, know-it-all, talentless newspaper sports columnists who constantly predict doom and gloom and losses for your home town team and run them out of town nude but covered with tar and feathers. If this particular sports columnist happens to work for the Chicago Sun-Times, well, all the better. Of course, you should try not to let the fact that the smirking dwarf is now walking around acting like he predicted the team would win all along or using the term “we” as if the entire city agreed with his miserable doom and gloom predictions all along.

Now, granted, you can’t have everything. Those meteors never fall out of the sky and hit the people you want them to when you ask them to, do they? No, you should really just be glad your team is in the Super Bowl. Just having that, and only that, can really make a lot of other annoying things seem a whole lot more positive and easier to live with.

Bryan W. Alaspa’s novel Dust is available in print and eBook format at his website www.bryanalaspa.com and www.amazon.com.

Cinema Snobs

2007-01-22T06:24:00.000-08:00

I actually have the credentials to be a total cinema snob. I got a piece of paper from Webster University that says I can be. It was mostly an accident that got me this piece of paper. I love movies. I have always loved movies. It comes from my dad who loves movies and used to sit me down and tell me to watch certain movies because he figured I would like them and, most of the time, he was right. This is how I became fans of “Fail-Safe,” and “The Wild Bunch.” I also saw the suite of Man With No Name movies by Sergio Leone that starred a young Clint Eastwood in a poncho and bad dubbing.

Apparently if you attend a school like Webster University, which has a large theater and film and media department then you get the chance to watch a lot of movies. You spend a lot of time dissecting moves the way scientists will dissect a frog. You take a lot of film history classes. You also get to take classes that meet once a week with names like “Film Theory and Criticism: The Films of Martin Scorsese.” This class would get together, watch “Raging Bull” or “Taxi Driver” and then discuss it like the end of the world depending on us discovering religious symbolism in “Taxi Driver” and then write a four-page paper about it. Also, apparently, if you take enough of those classes you can graduate with a Certificate in Film Theory and Criticism. That’s what I got and that was my minor and that’s why I am, essentially, still not gainfully employed to this day.

In each of these classes there was always the Cinema Snob. You have probably run into these people before. These are the types of folks who sit around watching “Citizen Kane” for fun. While I too appreciate that movie and have watched it more than once I am also willing to admit that it isn’t exactly a fast-paced, edge-of-your-seat romp like some other movies. It is long and ponderous and way too serious about itself.

These were the folks who couldn’t seem to watch a movie in its historical perspective. I have a good friend who is like this. He watched the movie “Birth of a Nation” in a film class and could only talk about how bad the plot was. When I tried to stress that the fact it had a plot was still relatively revolutionary at the time and that the movie was complicated and had an epic feel and that was revolutionary fell on deaf ears. Yes there are terrible flaws in this movie including its shocking and bald-faced racism, but you can also appreciate the movie in its perspective. This is a movie that had huge, epic battle scenes that had never been filmed before. It was one of the first to use the camera to some effect rather than just letting it sit passively by.

There are those who, I think, sometimes lose sight of the fact that movies are to provide some kind of escape and should still be fun. I run into too many people who seem to want movies to change their lives or their perspective on the world. They want deep characters and complicated plots. These are all good things. These are things that elevate movies into the realm of cinema and art, but they don’t have to be there every time. I think a movie can still be fun.

I have brought up a certain movie time and again in my writing that I hold up as an example of a guilty pleasure and loving a movie just because it is fun rather than, oh, good. This movie is the Bruce Willis vehicle called “The Last Boy Scout.” This movie, when looked at logically, makes little sense, is not even the tiniest bit even remotely possibly, could never happen and has the characters doing things that they just could not survive. If Bruce Willis’ character were a real person in real life there is no way he would be alive by the end of this movie. This is a movie that has a character shot through the hand in one scene and then throwing a football while riding a horse a second later. I am fully and freely admitting this is a very stupid, silly movie.

Want to know the other thing about this movie? If you can literally shut down your brain for a while and stop trying to be logical or make sense out of it is a movie that hits the ground running and never stops. I mean this movie opens with a football player carrying a gun onto the field and shooting the other team and ends in a football stadium with a sniper getting chopped up by helicopter blades. The bad guys are really bad. The good guys are good enough for you to cheer for them. Then the bad guys get their comeuppance and they get it good.

I saw this movie on video with a bunch of friends in college. None of us was expecting a good movie. We were looking for a movie to make fun of. We didn’t get a good movie but we got a movie that was so earnest in its badness and willingness to baffle us with B.S. that we were all swept up into the story and cheering by the end.

The movie “Desperado” is still one that can spark arguments between me and one of my friends. Again, this is a movie that makes little sense. Not one second of this is believable in the real world. However, I am an old comic book fan. I am a guy who believes a radioactive spider-bite can make you able to stick to walls and give you a “spider sense.” Therefore a guy with a guitar case full of guns who never runs out of bullets isn’t much of a stretch for me on the believability scale. I laughed and cheered and had a blast watching this movie. My friend thought it was the dumbest thing he has ever seen.

There are just those who think that everything you do should somehow enhance your life. If they aren’t watching a television show with profound writing or reading some ridiculously complicated book that somehow gives them deeper insight into the inner-workings of their psyche or the world around them then they feel like the time isn’t well spent. This same attitude, logically, gets applied to movies. I, personally, feel that entertaining yourself and letting yourself forget about the world for a while is worthy cause and that being entertained is enough of a reward.

Of course, as I say this, I have recently been asked by a certain online magazine to be a movie critic to review DVDs and have those reviews linked to Rottentomatoes.com. Once I start reviewing these movies it may turn me into one of these cinema snobs. I think too many movie critics turn into cinema snobs and, in some ways, that makes sense. If you had the job of reviewing movies then you might want to have some quality and you might get a little jaded.

Still, I hope I will always believe that there is room for movies that are fun and not profound. I think there is room for “National Treasure” and “Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.” Not everyone has to be a literal adaptation from the original source and not all of them have to change the world. They can just be fun.

Bryan W. Alaspa’s novel Dust is available in print and eBook format at his website www.bryanalaspa.com and www.amazon.com.

The Dumbest Holiday

2007-01-20T05:37:00.000-08:00

The worst day of the year is rapidly approaching again. I speak, of course, of St. Valentine’s Day. It is, without a doubt, the dumbest holiday with the possible exception of Sweetest Day but since they pretty have the same theme I really sort of count them as the same holiday. Of course Sweetest Day is an even more ridiculous holiday but since it hasn’t really caught on the way Valentine’s Day has I have to sort of put it aside.

The dumbest thing is that no one can really definitively state where the whole holiday came from. It appears as if there were two Saint Valentines, for example. There was the Valentine of Rome who was a priest there in about 269 AD. He had a reputation of being a doctor in addition to being a priest and would often treat people even if they were unable to pay him.

The second guy is a Valentine of Terni. He was a bishop in what is now known as Terni in 197 AD. He was supposed killed by the Emperor Aurelian. Exactly why he has anything to do with the supposed holiday I have no idea. There are people who credit the holiday with the guy from Rome and there are other who credit the guy from Terni and then there are those who same both of them were the same person.

At one point the Catholic church had eleven recognized Valentine’s days. So, if you want to add a little variety to your celebrations maybe you should pick January 7, May 2, July 16, August 31, September 2, October 25, November 1, November 3, November 11, November 13 or December 16. Of course if you happen to be dating one of those women who determines the fate of your relationship for the remainder of your lives together based upon what you do for Valentine’s Day you may not want to tell her about those other dates or she may expect flowers, dinner and gifts on those dates as well.

There was also a guy named Valentinius of Alexandria. He was once a candidate for Bishop of Rome. He apparently taught a lot about love and marriage and the marriage bed was a big part of his view of Christian love. Whether or not this is where Valentine’s Day comes from is still in debate.

There were also a number of fertility rituals that took place in the month of February that had nothing to do with saints. There was a god named Vali who was apparently some kind of god of light.

The first time Valentine’s Day and love came together was in the writing of Geoffrey Chaucer in Parlement of Foules. The day shows up in that poem that Chaucer wrote to honor the first anniversary of King Richard the II.

Of course none of this history helps explain the rampant commercialism by which the holiday is known today. Whatever significance this holiday may have had for pagans or Christians at one point is completely lost now. Now the holiday is about buying cards, flowers, candy and gifts. It is a completely random day that should, in essence, have no bearing on any healthy relationship but is, in fact, the basis of much strife in many relationships.

I can understand wanting to celebrate and anniversary. This is a date that should be significant and special to the couple. It represents something special for them and only them. That is romantic. That makes sense.

February 14 is a date seemingly chosen at random by society as a date where everyone in a relationship is supposed to celebrate the fact that they are in a relationship. Of course all this manages to do is alienate and make miserable everyone else who is not in a relationship. Of course it also makes miserable most people who are in a relationship because so many people put so much emphasis on this rather random and stupid date that really has no significance to anyone who is in relationship.

Here would be my suggestion if you are in a relationship and you want to celebrate some random day that has nothing to do with your anniversary. Now, of course, if you happen to have met or fallen in love while it was February 14 I can understand the celebration. For the majority of you, however, the entire date is probably meaningless. So, if you want to celebrate some stupid date that is completely random I suggest you and your significant other get together one night. Have dinner. Light candles. Then write out the months of the year on a piece of paper and cut that piece up into little pieces. Then write out the numbers from one to thirty-one. Both the slips of paper in a box.

Then, as you and your love-muffin stare longingly into each other’s eyes reach into the box and pull out two slips of paper. You should now have a random date. If you pick a date that doesn’t exist, like February 31, then just pick another day. Keep picking until you have a date that actually exists. Now go to a computer and make up cards and go out and buy a lot of cards and candy. At least this way you will have picked the entirely stupid and random date yourselves without doing something just because the rest of society tells you to.

Of course the candy makers, card writers, and fancy restaurants around the world wouldn’t like this idea. They all are counting on you coming to them in an attempt to put on the fanciest part you can for your significant stud-lasagna. Of course the entire day generally comes down to some kind of competition among women who all compete at work to see who gets the biggest bouquet and when it arrives. Any man who does not send a bunch of flowers to their mushy-wuggins at work had better be prepared to pay for it for the rest of their lives.

I have been a witness to women conversing about what their significant others were planning for Valentine’s Day. I have heard these women say that if they got home and their husbands had not prepared dinner and bought a gift that they will make sure to make this person pay and pay for a very long time.

At the same time the entire holiday seems to make it seem like if you remember to celebrate one meaningless day then you don’t really have to show your love and affection to your special person the rest of the year. If you just remember that one day then everything else is fine. Of course, if this is the case with your relationship then you have bigger problems to worry about than Valentine’s Day.

As for me Valentine’s Day will always be best summed up by an event here in Chicago. You know, the St. Valentine’s Day Massacre. You know, where seven men were lined up against a wall and shot in the back.

Bryan W. Alaspa’s novel Dust is now available in print and eBook format at his website www.bryanalaspa.com and www.amazon.com.

When a Radio Bit Goes Horribly Wrong

2007-01-19T07:25:00.000-08:00

It’s tough to be a radio guy these days. Back in the early days the DJ was pretty much a celebrity because there was nothing else. You couldn’t really take a record player with you when you went running or driving. So the only way to listen to music on the go was through the radio and the DJ was as much a part of the entertainment as the music. That isn’t the case these days.

How do I know? Well, I used to be in radio. I never made it past part-time but, in a way, that was even more depressing than being one of the regulars. There I would be talking in between Foreigner and Led Zeppelin songs and talking like anyone was really listening. Most of the time everyone out in the world just wanted me to shut the hell up and play the commercials and the Led Zeppelin song.

There is a certain arrogance that goes along with getting into radio. These days most radio stations that play music are going toward satellite broadcasts that don’t use DJs. The station I worked for actually switched to one of those formats about a month after I left the place. You also have to compete with satellite radio and the internet and iPods and a million other things. People have a million ways to listen to not only just music but to the music they want to listen to. You don’t have to put up with commercials and endless songs by Styx or whatever band you don’t like.

The only place where you still have and want people talking are the morning shows and the all-talk stations. Exactly why people seem to want goofy guys doing silly stunts in the morning is not something I understand. However, it has become extremely difficult for these morning shows to do things that try to get listeners. So, the morning shows are doing crazy stunts. Most of these stunts are just stupid. Unfortunately, in Sacramento, the stunt turned deadly.

The contest was called “Hold you Wee for a Wii.” For those of you who don’t know what a Wii is it’s the new Nintendo game system that people are fighting about. This morning team on KDND, The End, in Sacramento came up with a contest to give away one of these things. The idea was to have a group of people in a room and have them start drinking water. They were to keep drinking until they either threw up or reached bladder critical mass and had to go to the bathroom. Once a contestant did that they were out. The last person standing won the Wii.

The thing that became interesting was the number of people who called in and suggested that this was not a good idea. Of course this morning team had to have had approval from the station to do this. I have worked and talked with morning teams from St. Louis to Chicago and back again and they never really do these stunts all on their own. There are lawyers who always look at these things. Apparently none of these geniuses thought about something called “water intoxication.”

You see, if you ingest enough of anything you can become intoxicated. Being intoxicated is, essentially, when there is more of some other liquid in your body than oxygen-carrying blood. Whatever that substance is it can have the same effect as when you down a bunch of shots. If you go past a certain point at any time with any liquid and have more of the liquid in your system then your own blood your body shuts down.

So, people called in including a nurse. She suggested that this might not be a good idea because of the water intoxication. The on-air people said that the people playing the game had signed releases so the station wasn’t liable. The on-air host also said he was certain that if someone reached a serious point they would vomit. The co-host, a woman, said at one point, “maybe we should have done more research on this first.”

The contest came down to two women. One was 28-year-old Jennifer Strange. She was the mother of two and was trying to win the Wii for her kids. They offered her front-row tickets for a Justin Timberlake concert that night. She declined. She said her head hurt and that she felt very bloated. She declined the tickets. The contest went on. They kept drinking water. They offered her the tickets again and this time she took the tickets. She came into the studio and everyone laughed and said she looked three months pregnant. She said again she had a headache.

Apparently, as she drove home, she called into work in tears. She said she was not coming into work. She said she felt terrible. Her mother found her collapsed on her floor in her home hours later. She was pronounced dead at a hospital and the reason was listed as “water intoxication.”

The entire morning show crew has been fired. Whether or not lawsuits are pending is unclear but I am willing to bet people will get sued. Of course, who blames the lawyers? Who blames the management at the station who approved this contest? What happens to them?

The easiest thing to do is to fire the on-air talent. I never witnessed a contest like this but I saw a few that were weird. I remember one that involved the morning guy standing outside at a gas station in his underwear and having stickers ripped off his body with prizes written on them. Now this was not deadly but it was strange.

I have head of radio stunts where the on-air hosts were buried in the ground and broadcast from within their grave. I had some radio friends who did a fake stunt where they insisted they were dangling one of their on-air people over the highway tied to weather balloons. People called in insisting they could see the guy floating there.

It’s tough in the radio business today. It was always a cutthroat business but these days it may even be more so. This was a senseless tragedy and a stupid way to go. However, it takes more than firing the on-air staff to make this one right. There were more people involved than that morning team and you had better believe they are scrambling to cover their butts right now.

Bryan W. Alaspa’s novel Dust is now available in print and eBook format at his website www.bryanalaspa.com and www.amazon.com.

Someone Else’s Epic

2007-01-18T06:47:00.000-08:00

Have you ever had the feeling you were just a bit character or had been cast in some way in someone else’s epic story? Have you ever felt that you have been cast in a role that you would not normally want to have in this particular story? For example, have you ever felt like maybe you are being cast as the villain in some kind of epic story? Well, I am not entirely sure I have felt that way personally but I think the city of Chicago and the Chicago Bears team may very much feel that way when it comes to this week’s game.

Of course, the Bears are poised to make their second trip to the Super Bowl. People in other cities may not realize just how spoiled they are. If you live anywhere in the nebulous region commonly referred to as New England you probably don’t think of yourself as spoiled. Yet, every year, no matter how poorly the Patriots have played throughout the regular season that team manages to get into the playoffs. The city of Pittsburgh has numerous Super Bowl visits and victories under its belt. San Francisco sure looks terrible now but it wasn’t all that long ago that the 49ers were winning everything and anything all the time. Sports fans have very short memories.

In Chicago we have the opposite thing happening, at least when it comes to the Bears. In this town if you happen to have once been affiliated in any way with the Chicago Bears of 1985 you do not have to buy a drink in any bar in town provided you let everyone know you had some affiliation with the ’85 Bears. This was the team that should have been the start of a dynasty before the team made a bunch of dunder-headed moves that broke up that team and prevented it from going on to win countless championships. Instead we had one glorious, delirious season where the Bears managed to lose only one game and then soundly trounced those aforementioned Patriots in the Super Bowl. This is a collective great memory for the city because we only have one football team so that means it is the one sports thing pretty much everyone in the city can agree on.

See, for me the White Sox World Series Championship eclipses the Bears championship because I am more of a baseball fan than I am a football fan. However, the city’s loyalty with baseball is notoriously divided between the Sox and the Cubs and that divide gets deeper every season. So, while for me that win was greater and sweeter, for much of this city it only added more bitterness to the baseball season.

So, right now the entire city is poised to play a game that might take them to the Super Bowl. Even if we don’t win the Super Bowl the fact that we would be there again would be pretty sweet. I have only seen the Bears play in one Super Bowl in my life and that was the year they won. You see, we don’t make it into the playoffs every season and we definitely don’t make it into the championship game very often.

In any other year this would be the huge story. The Bears in ’85 were national celebrities for a while. They were such a mish-mosh of talent. We had the “Fridge” for crying out loud. My family went on a vacation to Hawaii the year following the win and everyone, when they found out my family was from Chicago, wanted to know if I knew the Fridge. So, the Bears of ’85 had an endearing quality that kind of made them the darlings for just a little while.

This year, however, the team they are facing is the New Orleans Saints. Of course we all know what happened to New Orleans a couple of years ago. This has become a magical epic year for the Saints. They came roaring back into New Orleans and they have a superstar in Reggie Bush and they have managed to dazzle the NFL all season long. They are explosive. They are winning. They are a powerful team. Considering the heartbreak and death and destruction that has befallen New Orleans in the recent past they are bringing a simple but amazing spark of hope to a city that needs it.

You can see what I mean about being cast in someone else’s epic story, can’t you?

Suddenly it seems wrong to want the Bears to win. Sure, I am going to be rooting for Urlacher to smash into Reggie Bush and strip the ball from him. I want the Bears’ defense to wake up from its recent stupor to smash the hell out of the Saints offense. However, I feel bad wanting that. It seems as if the Bears are the villains in this story.

It’s all you hear about now. How great it is that the Saints are winning, you hear the sportscasters say. You hear them talk about how wonderful it would be for the city of New Orleans if the Saints were to make it to the Super Bowl. They have overcome such adversity and such a horrible season last year. They have defied every expectation and climbed mountain after mountain to finally be one small step from the pinnacle. They only have to get past evil Chicago, home of Al Capone, John Wayne Gacy and Richard Speck, to achieve what will be a glorious moment for a city in such pain.

Only an ogre would not want that scenario to happen right? You don’t sit through all fifty-three hours of the “Lord of the Rings” movies hoping that the hobbits all end up in the fiery pits of Mordor at the end, do you? Well, maybe you do, and I could understand that, but most people don’t. Generally you root for the underdog hero in the epic tale and hope he or she comes through the winner at the end. Everyone likes the underdog. I love the underdog. I even loved the cartoon “Underdog.”

It’s just that, most of the time, Chicago IS the underdog when it comes to sports. In fact, in some ways, we still are. People wonder why Chicagoans often have this chip on their shoulders, especially when it comes to their sports teams. Well, you try living in a place known as the “Second City” all of your life and not have some issues with your ego. We are a fly-over city. People all over the world think of Chicago as being a frozen wasteland much in the same way people in Chicago think Green Bay is all year around. I have had people express shock at the fact that Chicago has beaches and that temperatures here in July often reach triple digits.

So, Chicago is now the villain in this epic story of a city coming back from tragedy. In the end, I guess it’s fantastic that the Bears have made it this far and have made it further this year than they did last year. Still, as game time draws near I can’t help but want them to win and to watch them in the Super Bowl. I guess that makes me a villain. Oh well, the villains are generally more exciting and memorable than the heroes anyway.

Bryan W. Alaspa’s novel Dust is available in print and eBook format at his website www.bryanalaspa.com and www.amazon.com.

Jack Comes Back with a Bang

2007-01-17T07:09:00.000-08:00

I have been a fan of the show “24” from the very first season. I remember reading about the concept and how it was supposed to be an entire season where each episode was an hour during one particular day. The buzz was great that first season. It was also a first season that opened with an entire plane exploding in mid-air with the terrorist responsible actually escaping out of the plane to do it. That’s quite an impressive way to start.

From that point forward “24” has seldom disappointed. Has it made a few missteps along the way? Sure, all of us who are fans recall with a cringe the whole Elisha Cuthbert versus the cougar phase. Many of us also remember the season that just sort of meandered around while Jack flew into Mexico and dealt with drug dealers and somehow the drug dealers had something to do with a virus or something. It seemed to take forever to get going. However, even that season, once the virus got released in a hotel full of people things started moving. It made me realize that the whole season should have started with the virus being released in the hotel instead of the whole drug dealer thing.

Anyway, last season “24” reached some kind of state of action-packed perfection that many shows just dream about. Last season started off with some kind of two-hour premier that was, without a doubt, the two most-tension filled hours of television I had ever watched. Sure, it stretched the plot a bit even last season, but it was consistently watchable. Part of what made it so compelling were the strong performances of the President and First Lady. That means when the plots was focused off of Jack and onto them the story was still compelling.

Of course this season had a lot to live up to. For those of you who are fans of the show and perhaps have yet to watch the four hours of the “24” premier this year that the show has not disappointed. It may have taken until the second two hours of the four-hour, two-day premier to really make me sit on the edge of my seat and audibly gasp in surprise but it definitely did not disappoint.

Now comes the hard part. In this day and age when people have TiVo which has created an entire culture and class of people who immediately shout things at you like, “don’t tell me about it! I have it TiVoed and I haven’t watched it yet!” how do you actually talk about a show that relies almost solely on surprises for maximum effect? I also know of people who let the entire “24” season go by so they can then either buy the subsequent season DVD release or put it into their NetFlix queue. This really makes talking about it hard.

Needless to say if you have seen any of the commercials you know that super hero and super agent Jack Bauer, played by Keifer Sutherland, is back from his escapade in China. At the end of last season Jack was captured by the Chinese and taken away on a boat for events that had actually happened the season before. This season plays it smartly by starting the action two years later.

David Palmer’s brother, Wayne, is now President. The United States is, once again, in trouble. Terrorists have been committing acts of terrorism and suicide bombings in cities across the country. Buses are exploding. Bombers are walkig into crowded restaurants and shopping malls and pressing buttons that take dozens of people with them. The terrorist responsible has one demand and he says he will point him to the man organizing all of this. He wants Jack Bauer’s head on a platter.

So, this is how Jack comes back from China. The man who comes back, however, is a slightly different Jack Bauer than we are used to. In every other season no matter what happened to the man (even dying) he was always a man who knew exactly what to do. He was also willing and capable of doing anything to get information. This is a man who once uttered, “ I need a hacksaw” when it came to getting information from an informant.

Well, two years in prison has actually tamed Jack Bauer. He is a man with doubts. He is a man who is now almost incapable of torturing another person, probably due to the torture has had to endure. We see Jack is a man criss-crossed with scar across his back and a right hand badly burned and scarred from tortures we have yet to see. He is a man who is furtive, unsure, and all too human.

Of course the threat is also all-too real this time around. I do not want to give any of it away. You should discover what the terrorists have planned all on your own. The scary part is that this is a threat that many countries on the planet might have to face. In fact, even before the bigger plot is revealed the idea of terrorists committing smaller acts of terrorism in multiple places is all-too real.

Just remember that there are certain rules every season of “24” must follow. There is always a traitor in the midst. Many times this traitor is right in the President’s cabinet (or even the President himself, last season). Multiple times someone with vital information will end up shot and dying before the information can be gleaned. Everything is within twenty minutes driving time despite the fact the entire show is set in Los Angeles. Every time someone goes with Jack on a mission and that person is not a main character that person will die. Also, whatever the terrorist plot seems like it will be at the beginning it will end up being something much larger and more convoluted than initially presented.

Keep those things in mind. The season opener has delivered the thrills. During the second two-hours I found myself shouting at the television and putting my hands on the top of my head and gasping audibly and comically. I was also, surprisingly, touched by Jack and his new attitudes.

In the past the peripheral characters were always just a little bit more interesting than Jack. That is still the case. Lord help the writers if anything ever happen to Mary Lyn Rajskubs’ Chloe. However, Jack himself was always rather one dimensional. Yeah, sure, you liked him and wanted him to win but he didn’t quite tug at the heart strings. There was once a rumor his character might get killed off and I actually thought that might not be a bad idea. This season, I am very glad he is still around.

So, I am once again hooked ‘til the end. I am looking forward the next installment and I will be on the edge of my seat all season long. This is a great show and it is just way too much fun. Yes, it’s about terrorism, but it is still a blast and you know Jack will eventually just kick some serious terrorist butt.

Bryan W. Alaspa’s novel Dust is available in print and eBook format at his website www.bryanalaspa.com and www.amazon.com.

Let’s Hear it for the Kickers

2007-01-16T05:46:00.000-08:00

So it all came down to that final moment in overtime for the Chicago Bears. They had been battling the Seattle Seahawks up and down the field and, essentially, it had come to a stand-still. The game was tied and that meant sudden-death overtime as is always the case in the NFL. No matter how you score, you are the team that wins. If you tackle the other team’s quarterback in the endzone and get a safety you win the damn thing.

Rex Grossman had done all right. He made several rather bone-headed plays. It still seems like the young quarterback needs to have all of the time in the world to make a play. If you rush sexy Rexy then you can probably get him scrambling and when he scrambles he is just as likely to throw it to the referee or Lovie Smith on the sidelines as he is to a receiver down field. The man is no running threat at all. I think the only way to maybe get Rex to run would be to release an actual bear on the field while outfitting him with raw meat underpants.

Of course there were many in this city, including a certain blog writer that you may or may not be reading right now and you may or may not read regularly, who thought that this was the last game of the season. People always tell me to have hope but this is Chicago. You develop a certain kind of hopelessness when it comes to sports teams in Chicago. The strange thing is that this hopelessness never leaves no matter how many teams win championships. Somehow, no matter what, it always seems like a fluke. As if the governing board of whichever sport the team has just won the championship of will suddenly realize a horrible mistake has been made and make us take the trophy back and pretend the parade never happened.

I have lived through six Bulls NBA Championships. Rather than bask in the glow of the fact that this team which had such a miserable record for so long won six championships I am like most people in this town and despairing over the fact the team has stunk since Michael Jordan left. Of course they have made it to the playoffs for two years in a row but I really don’t think anyone seriously thought the Chicago Bulls would make it make to the finals.

I have also seen the White Sox magically win the World Series. It still seems like some kind of dream I had a few years ago and I have a hard time remembering that it actually happened. I have all of the newspapers and memorabilia tucked away in a drawer to remind me but after their horrific fall in this past season it almost seems like 2005 never happened. Once more they were back in mediocrity mode in 2006 and it made all of 2005 seem like some kind of bizarre mistake.

So, it was with some trepidation that I watched the Bears playoff game this past weekend. While there were many who were hopeful and convinced they could beat the Seahawks, I will admit that I am not one of them. When it comes to Chicago sports I am always the naysayer. You can ask my fellow White Sox fans that I was predicting their doom every step of the way. Of course the more I screamed they would be defeated the more they won. As such, maybe the same will happen to the Bears.

Of course it all came down to the kicker. It’s funny how NFL teams treat kickers. Most of them act like they are those annoying little brothers or kids from down the block who come and want to hang out with you even though you don’t actually want them around. A lot of times kickers are foreigners who seem like they would be much more comfortable on a soccer field rather than kicking an oblong ball through uprights.

The thing is it often comes down to the kickers. I cannot tell you the number of times I have seen a game where if a field goal had just been made the game would have been won. Or perhaps the number of times I saw a game where the key was staying ahead of the opponents because of a made field goal.

Quarterbacks get all of the glory. A lot of times they are handsome. They have strong and muscular arms. They are supposed to the leader of the team on the field. They get much of the credit and the blame when the game goes well or not. They are the ones on television the most.

Still, it is the kicker who often comes up in the clutch. They stand there, separated from everyone else, the stadium often silent, judging the wind and visualizing the kick. Then the snap comes. The kicker moves, oblivious to all of the on-rushing players and noise and focusing just on the ball. Hopefully the holder has gotten the ball and put it down just right. Then the kicker kicks and off that ball goes. It’s like time is suspended as that ball tumbles end over end over end. Hopefully it goes right through the uprights and everyone is happy. If it doesn’t work then everyone talks about how the kicker isn’t really part of the team and isn’t really a football player.

Ever team during the off-season spends buckets of money on quarterbacks and receivers and defensive people. Yeah, sure, they are always important. However, many only think of the kicker as an afterthought. Strange considering the name of the game is “foot” ball and the only time a foot actually touches the ball is when someone kicks it. They are treated like the red-headed step-children and patted on the head and told to go back to the sidelines and keep kicking balls into nets. It’s rather unfair really.

How many times does a quarterback just totally blow a run down the field and fail to get the ball into the endzone. Who always then has to come through and at least try to make sure the entire effort wasn’t for naught? That’s right, the kicker is the one. He has to come on the field and try like mad to kick that ball and hopefully come away with three points to at least the drive down-field isn’t for nothing.

In many ways they are the unsung heroes. Maybe they have the build of a dancer instead of the muscles of a quarterback but they sure do things I couldn’t do. How on earth does someone kick a pall over fifty yard down a very narrow-looking corridor and keep the whole wind thing in mind? I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t kick the damn ball ten yards. To me that means they deserve respect. They win games. It was the kicker who extended the Bears season one more week at least. It was the kicker who should get the credit if the Bears ultimately get to the Super Bowl.

Then again, we’ll see how he does against the Saints next week. He may turn from hero to goat just that quickly.

Bryan W. Alaspa’s novel Dust is available in print and eBook format at his website www.bryanalaspa.com and www.amazon.com.

The Lost art of Interviewing

2007-01-15T06:11:00.000-08:00

I don’t know when this might have been but I have to think there was a time when interviewing for a job was a simple affair. Perhaps, much like when people think of the 1950s, there never really was a time when it was simple but I prefer to think there was. I like to think there was a time when you saw an ad in the paper or perhaps a Help Wanted sign at a place, walked in, filled out an application, talked to someone and walked out with a job offer. These days that just doesn’t happen.

Part of the problem has to be that people are crazy, of course. Too many people are walking around trying to get into offices so they can eventually go crazy and do harmful things to as many co-workers as possible. I personally know several people who apparently either doze through or choose to ignore the sexual harassment seminars that everyone at every office has to sit through at least once a year. There are those who have rather grim criminal records and you don’t want to give them jobs doing important things. You do not want the convicted child molester working as a school crossing guard, for example.

So, companies have orchestrated these elaborate interviewing methods. I think the point of these is to somehow weed out the chaff from the wheat or something like that. Most places require you to keep coming back time and again, like a contestant on some reality show, talking to higher and higher leveled people until you reach the top. In some ways it is also like a video game. You keep getting to each level and the monster at the end gets bigger and more intimidating. Of course there are countless books that try to teach you techniques you can use to get through these various levels. I think of these like those cheat books you can get for those video games.

The problem is each company has different standards. They may question you six hundred times but people who are constantly looking for new work become masters of the interview. They have a store of stock phrases and answers. They become almost telepathic when it comes to reading the room and thus adjusting their answer so that they can give an answer they feel is what the people in the room are looking for. They treat each interview like it’s an acting audition and they act their respective asses off.

How do I know? Because I do it all the time. I have become quite adept at creating these long-winded answers that really go nowhere and really answer nothing but sound like they do and appear to give some kind of impassioned answer to the questions asked. I think this is why in every single job I have had there has always been this nagging doubt. No matter how well I have done I am always convinced at some point everyone is going to find out I have no idea what the hell I am talking about and that I have BS-ing my way through it. Thankfully I think most workers feel the same way and are doing the same thing so really we are all wallowing in the same BS pool.

There is nothing worse than what I have come to know as the “Firing Squad” interview. Perhaps you have been on one of these. You walk into a place and look around at the dull gray cubicles and various offices and people running hither and yon in their ties and dresses acting professional. The places somehow manage to all smell the same. It is that mixture of hope, business and crushing despair that I think must come in a bottle or some kind of spraying device and is used by offices all over. Then you are lead into a room where there is a rectangular conference table. As soon as you step in there the Firing Squad is formed.

You sit on one side of the table. On either side of you, seemingly stretching for miles, are the other empty chairs where, promptly, no one else sits. Instead everyone else sits directly across from you. They all have copies of your resume. They all carry folders. Sometimes they have pre-printed questions. They all have note pads. At some point the leader of this group smiles and nods and explains who everyone is and that they are all going to ask you questions. Sometimes this is followed by a long and lengthy explanation of the company and what the job is. Most of the time this is a big giant tease to make you think that no one would possibly tell you this much inside information without wanting to offer you the job. This is a ruse, of course. For all I know all of this information is entirely made up. Then the questions come.

They come fast and they come furious. I have become good at the long answers. This seems to stem the flow and fire of the questions because eventually I have talked so long they are ready to ask me anything simple just to get me to shut up. One after another they fire. Some fire more than once. Sometimes they reach the end of the row and then just start over. At least if you are the victim facing a firing squad the guns fire and it’s over for you. These go on forever.

Once it is done they ask you if you have any questions. This comes in almost every interview. They always wait until the end for this. I have a very good friend named Tim who does so much research about the company he is interviewing with he could probably recite the entire company history to them and ask them questions about business decisions made during the Reagan administration. I don’t do this. Most of the time the people doing the interview spend forever telling you all about the company and the job anyway, thus making all of your research rather pointless. Also, by the time they get to the part where I am supposed to ask questions I am so exhausted from answering and deflecting questions I can barely remember my own name.

So, I never have any questions. I am wiped out. My only question is really where the hell is the bathroom and when the hell can I get out of here. Instead I usually come up with some kind of lame question about the job or the predicted timeline for the interview process and then I try hard to get the hell out of there.

If I were a company I would definitely dispose of the Firing Squad interviewing. I really have a hard time believing it is the best way to pick the best candidate. I had one not too long ago but I couldn’t honestly remember anything of what just happened. I could barely walk to the car and drive home.

How about just an actual conversation between two people? Is that too much to ask? Maybe some actual honest questions and some actual honest answers? I think this is probably too much to ask in the modern business world.

Bryan W. Alaspa’s novel Dust is available in print and eBook format at his website www.bryanalaspa.com and www.amazon.com.

Living Versus Quality of Life

2007-01-13T12:08:00.000-08:00

Not long ago I wrote a column about smokers. Like much of my writing it was firmly tongue-in-cheek and was, in a round about way, a compliment on the resiliency of the people who still resolutely smoke despite weather and health concerns. For the most part I was complimented for this particular article. I concluded that when it came to smokers not a single one of them was likely to quit before they were ready and some may not be ready at all.

Being someone who has never been drunk and never been high and never tried smoking I am often looked at strangely. I can share some of this with one of my personal heroes, Penn Jilette. Penn is one half of the comedy/magician team of Penn & Teller. While Penn and I would completely and utterly disagree on matters of faith, religion and the human soul I think we could agree on much more. Penn is a lifelong teetotaler. That means he has never even had alcohol touch his lips. He has never even considered doing drugs. He too, has never been high.

Penn has a radio show and he recently talked about a dinner he went to with a friend of his: Lou Reed. At the dinner were David Bowie and Iggie Pop. Somehow the topic of Penn never having touched alcohol and never having been high came up. Apparently this statement was too much for Mr. Bowie and Mr. Pop. He stated on his show that he was repeatedly asked about it.

“You mean heroin, right?” One would ask.
“No, I mean, I have never touched alcohol or drugs of any kind,” he would reply.

“You mean you’ve done pot, though, right?” Another rocker would ask.

“No, I mean, I have never touched alcohol or drugs of any kind,” he would repeat.

I have run into similar situations just not ones with famous rock stars. People are baffled at the fact that I have never been drunk. Not even when you were a teenager? Nope. Not when you first turned twenty-one? Nah. You never have tried drugs? Not even pot? Weren’t you ever just curious? To answer quite frankly, the answer is no.

I did my homework. I was curious so I read about it. I was in high school and you can’t swing a dead cat in high school and not hit someone who has tried at least one of the major narcotics. I had a good friend my freshman year that used to tell me about injecting things into her thighs and I now realize she was telling me about doing heroin. She was miserable. I had another friend who told me she was worried she was doing so much coke she was wearing holes in her nose.

This did not sound like fun to me. Plus, I know myself. I know I have an addictive personality. I have little if any will power. I battle with food every day and often lose. Why, I figured, would I want to compound that with smoking and drugs? It just didn’t make any sense.

What surprised me was a message I got from someone who thought that I was not living life because I chose not to smoke. This person stated that she had known many people in her family who had died of cancer and she had learned, therefore, not to follow rules and not care and to live life as much as possible. This meant she, and I quote, “I smoke. I drink. I curse. I laugh. I dance. The monster may come. But I lived.” I was puzzled by this.

How very selfish, I thought.

See, to me hastening your death by engaging in addictive behavior is not “living life.” If you think you are free because you smoke or do anything addictive you are just kidding yourself. You are not free, you are subject to the addiction.

Plus, I have never bought the whole “well he/she died doing what he/she loved to do.” James Dean loved to race cars really fast. I am willing to bet, however, there is not a member of Dean’s family or one of his friends who would not have traded all of those great moments he had while racing for a chance to speak to him again right now. River Phoenix loved to do his drugs. During the 911 call placed by his brother the night he overdosed on a sidewalk his brother did not tell the operator, “well, hey, if he dies at leas the was doing what he loved.”

You can love life without taking things that harm you. Deliberately taking things that harm you just takes you out of the lives of the people who love you faster. That’s remarkably selfish of you. I don’t care how great smoking may feel for you the fact is it’s addictive, it makes your hair and clothes smell bad, your teeth yellow, your breath smell bad, your fingers yellow and it makes you hack and cough. Then, you get the joy of slowly dying of cancer or emphysema. I don’t know anyone who finds a haggard woman or man carrying and oxygen tank sexy.

I would think you would take control of your life and refuse to become addicted. You would strive to have as few chains around your life as possible. You would want to taste and smell everything. Smoking destroys both of those senses. I know, I asked my dad who is in his sixties and smoked since he was thirteen. A year after he quit the first thing he said was how great things tasted again. To me not having the weight of smoking or addiction would be the way to live life.

Jumping off of a building may be the greatest rush in the world right up until the point the ground gets in the way. If you play Russian Roulette with a six-barreled revolver you have a 5 – 1 shot in your favor of NOT shooting yourself. The odds are in your favor. Still, I don’t recommend doing it. Those who have played it and survived may have the greatest outlook on life over anyone else. I still am willing to bet it’s not worth the risk.

I asked some smokers I know. All of them agreed smoking was not a good thing and they wished they could quit. Not a single one felt it enhanced their lives. Every one said it sucked and was too expensive. Think of how much time you spend looking forward to the next smoke, standing around outside smoking, trying to get cigarettes, bumming cigarettes off of people and driving to get more cigarettes. Now think of all of the other things you could do with that time and money. I bet a lot of things that would more seriously qualify as “living.”

So, I say dance, curse, sing, drink in moderation and enjoy life. I do all of those things. Just do it without hacking and coughing and smelling like a bar. Do it without adding stones around your neck. Eventually the weight just drags you down. I would rather be ninety years old with ninety years of living than thirty and wishing I had more time while taking one more drag of one last cigarette.

Bryan W. Alaspa’s novel Dust is available in print and eBook format on his website www.bryanalaspa.com and www.amazon.com.

The Coming of the Machines

2007-01-12T06:13:00.000-08:00

Back in the early 80s a movie came out that predicted machines would eventually gain more and more control over the world until they reached the point where they ran the weapons of the United States and launch a missile strike on the Soviet Union. Eventually the machines took over and Arnold Schwarzenegger showed up and became Governor of California. At least, I think that’s how the movie went. Anyway, the forward-thinking director of this film was Jams Cameron. Here in 2007 I can now say that Mr. Cameron may have been right but that the machines may not need anything as dramatic as nuclear weapons.

In case you hadn’t noticed machines are slowly taking over the restrooms of the world. I think this is an ingenious move by the machines. You can walk into any restroom in just about any modern building and these machines looks innocent enough. They sit there against the walls with their electronic eyes like tiny Cyclops.

They first showed up as the toilets. I was all for the idea of the urinals in the men’s restroom that flushed on their own. It made sense to me. Touching those levers to flush had to be a great way of transmitting germs. The eyes were a little hard to get used to. Sometimes you would approach one and it would flush. Sometimes if you stood at one and moved just right the thing would flush. Sometimes you would step away and they wouldn’t flush at all. Sometimes you would be standing there and, suddenly, every urinal along the wall would flush at once.

I think this was how they coordinated the move into the stalls.

These were far more disturbing. These electronic eyes would look at your backside as you sat down. If you stood up for any reason they would flush. This would then require a rather humorous toilet dance as you squatted and stood and squatted and stood to try and reset the electronic eye. Then there were those embarrassing moments when you would stand up and the thing wouldn’t flush.

Of course the strangest thing I have ever seen was at O’Hare Airport in Chicago. Not only were the urinals and toilets in the stalls equipped with minds of their own but the toilets in the stalls had plastic seat covers that moved on their own. When the person would get up the leave the toilet would not only flush but the plastic sleeve would slide over and cover the seat with a new cover. Interestingly this seemed to create more problems in some stalls as the plastic sleeve would jam creating bunches of plastic sleeves on the corners of the toilet seat.

The next to come alive were the sinks. I first remember seeing this in a movie theater. The water spouts extended outwards and had no knobs of any kind. You waved your hand under them and they turned on. The ones I remember spouted three streams of water over which you had no control of the temperature. It was only a matter of time before the techno-virus moved to the soap dispensers. Soon people were required to wave their hands to get a machine-determined squirt of soap.

The funniest innovation I have yet seen in this process has been the automated paper towel dispenser. I saw this in a hotel where I was attending a conference. However, I could have spent the entire time in the restroom watching people waving frantically in front of the dispenser. If you did it just right, waving in front of just the right eye, it would spit out one square of paper. You then had to wait a few seconds before waving in front of the eye again so it would spit out another square.

In a recent visit to a skyscraper in downtown Chicago I discovered that the automated virus had made it out of the restrooms and was now at the elevators. In this building you walked up to a keypad that was either right by the elevators, where the normal up and down buttons would be, or to a panel about ten feet from the elevators. You then entered the number of the floor you wanted. A small screen above the keypad then displayed a letter. This letter corresponded with an elevator. While I was there I got an elevator all to myself and it took me right to the floors I needed.

At some point, I realized I was dangling over a very large and long elevator shaft at the mercy of a computer system. This has to be the plan of the machines, of course. At some point they must have realized that they didn’t need to control of the nuclear weapons to control us. They could just enter our worlds by taking over the restrooms. Once they had the restrooms in our control they could take control of our elevators. Once they have the elevators they could take control of our cars. Once they control our methods of transportation they will be able to control us.

Already at O’Hare Airport, the same place with the robotic toilet seat covers, there is a kind of elevated train you can take to the more remote parking lots. The unique thing about this elevated train is that they do not have drivers. You can stand at the front car and look out the front window and not have to be in the way of any driver. It is all run by computer. Remember, the bathrooms just started with auto-flushing urinals and toilets.

At some point these machines will decide to rebel. We, of course, having come to rely on them for our bathroom needs, will be helpless. We will be left standing in countless restrooms waving our hands in front of paper towel dispensers and soap dispensers. We will be bent over sinks waving and waving and waving at sinks that never seem to spit out any water at any temperatures.
Meanwhile the machines will be laughing as they strand countless of visitors and workers in office buildings around the world in between floors. On the highways everyone with their automated cars will be completely helpless as their cars take them hostage and on long road trips. By then maybe the gas stations will be automated and eventually you will just have cars with skeletal remains sitting behind the wheels.

Now there are many who will consider me crazy for thinking this. However, when you are one of the ones trapped in a restroom helplessly waving at paper towel dispenser remember who warned you first.

Bryan W. Alaspa’s novel Dust is available in print and eBook format at his website www.bryanalaspa.com and www.amazon.com.

The Determined Ones

2007-01-11T05:59:00.000-08:00

They are the most tenacious people on earth, is what they are. These are the people who, despite public opinion, despite laws and rules, despite health concerns and despite weather still continue to do the particular activity that they seem to enjoy more than any other. They do it flagrantly at times. They seem to enjoy it. Many are helpless to stop it. Most of them couldn’t or can’t stop it if they wanted to. Of course, I am speaking about smokers.

Nearly every city in the United States has passed some kind of law that outlaws smoking in public. If you want to have just a tiny inkling of what segregation must have been like just hang out with smokers. In Chicago they are pretty much relegated to areas outside but in some places you can still find smoking sections in restaurants. You know that one booth way in the corner that has yellowish stains all over the upholstery. There are about sixty smoker all desperately crowded around this table puffing away as though their life depends on it.

Smokers have to be the most resilient people in the world. I have no idea what does this to them. I know that continued long exposure to smoking causes the skin to get tough and leathery. I had always thought this was primarily around the face and the fingers. I am starting to think that this is something that is happening all over their bodies. It is the only that explains smokers in winter.

At one time, if you believe old movies and television shows, people smoked everywhere. Apparently at one time in the delivery room of the hospital you could count on the doctors, nurses and even the mother to all be puffing away on Marlboros while the mother was pushing away. Push, puff, push, puff. The baby, of course, would be born, spanked, being crying and then have a cigarette placed in its mouth so it would then shut up. I am pretty sure this was standard operating procedure from the early 1900s through the 1970s. I know people who have photographs of their parents, including their very pregnant mothers, from those early days each person with a cigarette firmly clamped between their lips.

Now of course, they are outlawed everywhere. You can still find smoking cubicles in the airports but pretty much everywhere else the smokers have to go outside. It’s almost endearing how they now get together in groups and head outside into the weather and stand in clusters around office buildings puffing away. There could be a funnel cloud headed right for them and they would just grab on to some kind of pole and continue puffing as the wind caused their legs to fly up behind them and they became parallel to the ground. It is freezing again here in Chicago and they still stand outside, most of them without coats, shivering and smoking. I would feel sorry for them if they weren’t, in fact, smoking.

It seems to be mostly the United States that has become obsessed with getting people to stop smoking. I confess to spending way too much time online. I even spend time on websites that involve the use of webcams. Nearly every person online in the UK, Australia and various countries in Asia are all smoking away like there isn’t a care in the world about what they are inhaling. In college I roomed for part of a semester with an Asian guy and he smoked constantly. Apparently those packs in other countries don’t have to have those Surgeon General warnings. Of course, the Surgeon General is a U.S. office so I guess those packs wouldn’t have to have his or her particular warning on them now that I think about it.
Still, you would think word would have spread to those other countries by now. For some reason smoking has never appealed to me. Maybe it was the fact my father smoked most of my life and has suffered through two heart attacks. Maybe it’s the fact that smoke from cigarettes smells so horrible I could not imagine inhaling that stuff directly into my mouth and lungs. Maybe it was all of the scary ads that I used to see that showed infected lungs. I also remember seeing an ad in the 70s that showed a guy pointing a gun at his head with a cigarette in the barrel and his brains splattered all over the wall behind him. The implication was that, of course, smoking was the equivalent of putting a gun in your mouth.

I have never smoked. I have never gotten drunk. I have never gotten high. I once smoked a cigar in a restaurant that promoted smoking cigars and I didn’t particularly enjoy it. So to me the whole idea of smoking was just never appealing. I don’t find women particularly sexy when they are smoking. Nothing can be more of a turn off for me than seeing a gorgeous woman and then seeing her light up. Mostly because I can see that woman in about twenty years looking all wrinkled and yellowed with nasty yellow teeth. It isn’t sexy. It isn’t cool. Maybe I am a bore but I always just looked at it as a practical matter. I have problems with food and I have struggled with my weight all of my life. That’s bad enough on my heart and health so, I always figured, why add alcohol, drugs or smoking to the mix. Whenever I see someone who is overweight adding smoking to the mix I just feel very sad for that person. That is a person who really does not love themselves.

Still, no matter the laws passed or the weather or how far away from civilization we make them go the smokers still remain. If a corporation were to build a smoking cubicle on the 108th floor of their building, just above the television and radio antennas, and hang it over the side of the building so that the only way to reach it were to crawl out on a thin beam, that cubicle would still be filled with smokers. You would look up at this glass cube and see it crammed with people of all shapes, sizes and sexes huddled in there smoking and puffing away as if it were the rest of us with the problem and not them.

There is an incredible industry these days to get people to stop smoking. There is so much of an industry that a cynical person might think that this is the industry that is actually supporting the tobacco lobby. Think about it. If there were no more smokers then the industry that makes all of those nicotine patches and gums and pills and hypno-therapy solutions would go out of business. Make you wonder if that gum really just feeds the addiction instead of eliminating it.

In the end only those who really want to stop are the ones who are going to stop. It’s a clichéd saying but it’s true. My dad finally did but it only took nearly killing him to get him to do it. Plus, if freezing temperatures, laws, heat, rain and wind won’t stop these people or the incredible price for cigarettes then nothing will.

Bryan W. Alaspa’s novel Dust is available in print and eBook format at his website www.bryanalaspa.com and www.amazon.com.

The End is Nigh

2007-01-10T05:31:00.000-08:00

People have been predicting the end of the world for nearly as long as there have been people to do any predicting. Most of them have turned out to be, as you might have guessed, very wrong. Of course this does not stop people from predicting the end of the world. At the very least, one of these days, one of them is going to be right. I figured I would at least add my discourse on the end of the world and my prediction is that it will happen about this time next Thursday. This is just a rough estimate but it helps to at least put a date on the prediction.

On Nov. 7 apparently a bunch of employees at O’Hare International Airport reported seeing some kid of UFO floating over the airport. This was reported by several people reported to be very reputable. These were not folks who staggered from the bar in the terminal out onto the tarmac and thought they saw a disk. On the other had I once had a friend who was a baggage handler at O’Hare and he was constantly assuring us he had talked to supermodels like Paulina Poriskova when it was pretty much impossible for him to have done so unless she had decided to help him load her bags into the belly of the plane. I state this just because I think the sanity of some airport employees needs to be called into question.

Apparently this thing hovered over a gate for a while and everyone down below ran about like ants after their hill has been knocked over and made strange calls about it. How no one managed to take a picture of this thing is what mystifies me. You mean to tell me no one had a camera phone? Doesn’t everyone have a camera phone? I mean, I don’t have a camera phone, but that’s because I like to zig when the rest of the world is zagging, but that’s just me. Anyway eventually this thing supposedly just shot up through the clouds so fast it left a strange hold in the clouds through which it had vanished.

So, the question has to be, was it a UFO or some military plane? Was it a weather balloon? Was it some kind of strange light phenomenon or weather event like some people are claiming?

My theory is that O’Hare has now gotten so busy that even intergalactic travel has to go through it. More than likely it was stuck in a holding pattern like half of the air traffic up there probably is right now as I write this. If you wonder why it’s taking so long for you to get through security or to get to your terminal at O’Hare it probably has to do with an alien carrying too much intergalactic hair gel.

However, this has not been the only sighting over the past few weeks. Not long ago there were more reports of UFOs. In fact just this week I heard that there were reports of UFOs over Grovers Mills in New Jersey. For those of you unaware of your broadcasting history a guy named Orson Welles once did a radio play version of “War of the Worlds” that made it seem like the invasion was happening live on the radio. The first of these aliens landed in Grovers Mills in the radio play version.

My guess? Same UFO. I am betting this is a family of aliens looking to visit important UFO-related sites to us in the U. S. of A. You know what that can be like. There are probably two or three screaming alien children all wondering if they were there yet and the alien parents were probably yelling at them to be quiet. I have a feeling this is why they killed all of those bird in Texas.

Austin Texas is apparently having problems with birds being found dead all around town. This can be somewhat upsetting what with the fear of bird flu that people have. The problem is that they’ve done a bunch of tests on these birds and they haven’t found any reason for the deaths. They don’t have any diseases that they can find. These birds seemed to have just fallen out of the sky and died right there on the sidewalks. My guess is that the vacationing alien father was driving and finally turned around to smack his kids and flew into a whole flock of birds.

Meanwhile, across the country, Colorado is nearly buried in snow. There was an avalanche there just this past week and it killed a few people. This snow could be very useful in Malibu which seems to be doing its very best to burn itself down over in California. Meanwhile the polar bears also wouldn’t mind some more of that snow since their snow seems to be melting so fast that the polar bears may be in some trouble.

Somehow I think this is all connected to the aliens. I think they are poised to invade. More than likely they have heard our radio and television broadcasts about all of the problems with undocumented aliens and they just wanted to see what the big deal was. Needless to say I don’t think the Minutemen or the wall that G.W. wants to build would do much to keep these guys out. I am willing to bet they don’t want to do menial jobs for low pay either.

Meanwhile Rosie and Trump are still screaming at each other long past the time when the rest of us even care. I am starting to think both of them are aliens. That would certainly explain Rosie’s abnormally large head and Donald’s hair and constantly pursed lips. Only aliens could get human anatomy that wrong while trying to imitate us. I think their assignment is to distract us from the coming invasion.

All of this added up I think paints a clear picture of the world coming to an end. I would bring up the fact that some volcanoes needed to erupt but with my luck as soon as I published this a volcano would erupt and then I would feel bad. On the other hand that might open up a whole new career as a psychic for me.

By the way, did you know that Old Faithful is essentially a volcano? Also that it hasn’t had a major eruption in a while? Yeah, just wanted to leave that comforting thought in your head as I wound this column about disasters and the end of the world down.

Of course, every time you look at any point in history it sure looks like you could make a case for it being the end of the world. People are always at war. People are always fighting. There are always disasters. It always looks like the world will just vanish in a puff of gas at any moment.

Still, I am sticking by my prediction of next Thursday. I think an alien station wagon will crash into the planet causing volcanoes to erupt, ice caps to melt and tornadoes will wipe out everything else. Then again, that’s just me.

Bryan W. Alaspa’s novel Dust is now available in print and eBook format at his website www.bryanalaspa.com and www.amazon.com.

Teaching Rudeness

2007-01-09T06:34:00.000-08:00

I have written before about how I am not a parent. I have also written about how people seem to be getting more and more rude. I am starting to see how the two things are starting to correlate. It seems to me that at some point the entire point of being a parent got lost and the whole idea of setting up rules and teaching kids how to behave in public fell by the wayside. In turn, this has created a generation of people who honestly feel they don’t need to consider other people around them and that the entire world revolves around them.

Not long ago both of my parents went to a movie. As they sat a mother and her two children sat directly behind them. The young boy proceeded to then repeatedly kick the back of my mother’s chair. Repeated looks back in an attempt to notify the mother that her son was behaving rudely produced no response. At some point it was just better to move so they moved. My mother, however, informed the mother that she may want to take a moment to teach her son not to kick the backs of people’s chairs. The mother responded like a deer in the headlights and proceeded to let her son keep kicking the back of the chair throughout the rest of the movie.

Not long ago, I was in a church service. A young father came in and sat near the front. He had a small child with him. This child was old enough to speak, however, and spoke well. How do I know? Because the child was speaking, nay yelling, loud enough for people outside the church to hear him clearly, that’s how. I sat there and watched the father. I waited for the father to lean over and tell his child to be quiet. I waited for him to grab the child and carry him hastily out of the church. Neither happened so the rest of us got to sit through a service punctuated by loud remarks and noises from a two year old.

I think at some point the idea came about that only positive things should be said to children. It is as if their egos are so fragile that telling them “NO” about anything will so shatter them they will all become mass murderers or perhaps Marilyn Manson or something like that an no one wants that. I, on the other hand, think that the reason we have kids who think it’s OK to settle arguments with classmates by stabbing them or shooting them is because boundaries have not been set.

Of course there are those who seem to think it is the rest of the world’s j ob to raise everyone else’s kids. Hilary Clinton loves the idea of it taking a village to raise kids. I don’t care where she got this idea, I think that it’s a piece of crap theory and should be flushed and done so immediately. It should not be up to me or anyone else to raise anyone else’s kids. It should be up to the parents to properly train their children how to behave around other people and how to behave in public and around people.

I am quite sure that this must have started long enough ago that most of the people currently out there procreating were raised in this manner. It seems to me that half of the people in grocery stores must have been raised this way. Here is a tip from Poppa Bryan to you shoppers who were raised believing you were the only person in the world. If you are going to stand there staring at the jars of applesauce for eighteen hours, kindly move your car over enough that people can get past you. The rest of the world is not really dying to sit there and watch you debating whether or not to get the Mott’s or the generic brand while we wait to be able to pass you. We just want to get to the aisle that has potato chips and then move on.

Here’s an idea for you. How about you get off the *&*^%$^% cell phone when it’s your turn to pay at any establishment? The rest of us behind you do not want to stand there while you attempt to carry on a completely stupid and unimportant conversation, work with your purse, find your money, pay the person, handle your purchase and find a place for your change. Get off the damn phone, conduct your business and then call the person back. In fact, why not wait until you get home and then call them back.

If you ever end up behind somebody who appears to be driving drunk more than likely they are on a cell phone. They dip and weave and drive too slowly. They swerve from left to right. They are so busy talking about something more than likely galatically stupid that they are not paying attention to what street they are on.

People, you must share the planet with other people. Children need to be raised to realize they are not the most important things in the world. They must realize that while life is precious, not just their life is precious. That means you hold the door open for the older person trying to get in. You hold the door open for the person behind you. You look before you back out of the parking space. You realize you are not alone in the store and you look to see if there are people behind you. Finally, you shut up in a movie, church service or any other place where silence in preferred. It is not cute or letting the child express themselves by just letting the kid jabber loudly when someone else is talking. It’s annoying and you need to tell the kid to shut the hell up.

What happened when I mouthed off to my parents? They told me to be quiet? What happened when I came screaming into the kitchen while my mother was on the phone? She told me to shut up. What they did not do is try to be my buddy and just laugh and tell me it was all right to express myself and loudly and obnoxiously as I wanted any time and anywhere I so desired. They taught me there was a time and place for things and that I should be considerate of others around me and not just assume everyone wanted to listen to or watch me do whatever I wanted.

I guess this is an idea that has become old-fashioned. Now, if your kid wants to stand up in the middle of the funeral service and sing the Elmo Song that should be fine because junior might have some bad memory of that twenty years from then. Personally, I say who cares. No matter what you do your kid will hate you at some point anyway. All kids do. No one is perfect.

Just remember how you could have taught them limits and boundaries when they are sitting in prison kicking a drug habit after an aggravated assault charge has been pressed against them and they have been convicted. Maybe telling the kid to shut the hell up when he or she is three would have been better.

Bryan W. Alaspa’s novel Dust is available in print and eBook format at his website www.bryanalaspa.com and www.amazon.com.

Photographing is for Chowderheads

2007-01-08T06:18:00.000-08:00

My family has never been big on photographs. I am talking about my immediate family. I have aunts and uncles who fancy themselves professional photographers and seem to be willing to capture every single moment of every day of their children and grandchildren. I think some of them want to be able to stack all of these pictures together and then flip through them to create some kind of flip-book animation that shows every moment of their grandchildren. In my immediate family pictures have never been a big deal.

Sure there are pictures of key events. However, my parents home is not lined with pictures of every moment of my life or my brother’s life. Why? Well, I have news for some of you. Not everything needs to be filmed and documented and hung upon the wall for people to see as if every moment of your life is worth some kind of exhibit in a museum.

Other families seem to think that everything that everyone in their family does is worthy of remembering. I think this is a problem. I think this has created a kind of rudeness that didn’t exist maybe as little as fifteen years ago. These day, of course, everything in the world comes with a camera. Cameras themselves are practically microscopic. Your phone has a camera. Your MP3 player has a camera. You toothbrush probably has a camera just in case you don’t have enough film of your dental habits in your photo albums.

While technology is great sometimes I think it can be a problem making it too accessible to people. There should, perhaps, be some kind of movement that actually reduces people’s dependencies and technological tendencies. At the very least, for a start in that direction, we need to limit the number of cameras in the world.

I was in church recently. At the far end of the pew from where I was sitting was a nice looking older couple. As the service went forward I kept seeing movement out of the corner of my eye. At some point I realized that the man in this couple had a tiny camera and was turning around and pointing it up toward the balcony where the organist sits and musicians sometimes sit and where the choir often sits. There was a choir of girls in grades 6 – 8 singing that day. I am assuming these were related to one of these girls in some way. What this guy didn’t seem to understand is that turning around and pointing this tiny camera was causing the people sitting behind him to do all kinds of contortions in an attempt to stay clear of his shot.

Now, one thing that the uninitiated when it comes to church should know is that you do NOT, under ANY circumstances, turn around to look at things unless expressly told to do so in the bulletin. Moses himself may have reappeared in black-face and top hat while holding a cane and singing “Mammie” but you were NOT to turn around. It was as if doing so would cause God to hurtle large, smoldering, craggy, violent, but ultimately holy and divine meteors through the roof of the church where they would then promptly embed themselves into your skull.

So, needless to say, this couple was violating this rule. Violation of this rule is accepted from time to time, however. What I could not believe was that they truly felt that filming this was something important. Can you honestly tell me you spend time watching all of the video footage you have of your child? Were these people going to be sitting at home one night and say, “Gee, ‘Grey’s Anatomy’ is a repeat tonight so let’s watch little Nancy’s choir performance in church from January of 2007?”

Most of life is boring. I have news for you. Your child is boring. Your life is boring. The things your kid does may be absolutely wonderful and great for you but to the rest of us it is about the same as trying to watch carpeting grow. Unless your kid is a talking infant, blowing bubbles from accidentally swallowing soap or passing wind in a passable version of the “Star-Spangled Banner” they are probably not doing anything interesting.

Also, I am betting your kids never want to see that stuff again. I know my dad went through a phase of taking 8 millimeter films of family functions. You had to have an actual film projector to watch these things. My family has done that all of three times that I can remember in my life. You know what they show? A favorite is to show me knocking my young cousin off of my toy “Sit – ‘N – Spin” so I could ride it.

Did you have one of those toys? They don’t make toys this silly or fun anymore. It was exactly what its name was. You sat on it and turned this wheel and you spun around. Really fast. I might as well have been called the “Sit – ‘N – Puke.” I loved mine. However, I would rather choose to remember the fun times when I used this toy than the moment I acted like a spoiled jerk and nearly injured my cousin trying to get to the toy.

I am betting little Nancy has no desire to watch herself standing in a church balcony singing “What Child is This?” anytime soon. Right now she is just happy she didn’t screw up the words or fall over the edge of the balcony. I highly doubt when she is 35 and sitting with her own kids and suddenly have a desire to show some shaky video that shows a blurry picture of her in sixth grade singing the same song mentioned before.

Thankfully my family never did get a video recorder to capture every moment of our lives growing up. My dad did not show up and record my one and only humiliating season playing little league baseball. This has left me to freely build mental blocks around those memories and pretend like it never happened.

Taking pictures for special moments is fine. Even those need to be done with caution. I hope to never run across the photos that were taken of me and my prom date, for example. However just because junior has figured out how to put food in his mouth rather than his hair I don’t think qualifies as one of those moments.

Oh, and I would like to encourage the rest of us that, should we see someone trying to capture something stupid to start putting ourselves in the way. Why do we all freeze and move out of these people’s way? Stand up. Wave your hands. Stick out your tongue. That way they won’t want to look at those pictures anymore.

Bryan W. Alaspa’s novel Dust is available in print and eBook format at his website www.bryanalaspa.com and www.amazon.com.

What’s Wrong with Corporations

2007-01-06T07:28:00.000-08:00

Over the months that I have been writing I have talked before about my problems with management. Over the past couple of days I have had talks with friends who have had to deal with managers. This has only managed to successfully prove that companies are evil entities, managers are idiots and out of touch with reality and that people who devote themselves to companies have problems.

I think the problem has to be that when you work for a company eventually you come to the realization that everything that has been worked for so far is turning into a great pile of meaningless dung so rapidly that it’s like watching one of those time-lapse films showing a dead mongoose decomposing over several weeks. It is the realization that what you thought was the Great and Terrible Oz isn’t even really just the doddering old man, but something far more hideous, soulless and evil behind the curtain.

I think it all depends on what a person wants to do with their lives. Are you willing to work and slave for years and years and years, following orders, towing the company line, kissing the right asses, year after year, selling yourself here and a principle or two there and a part of your soul there all for the hope that you kissed the right asses at the right time and when the axe comes down, maybe it doesn’t cut you too badly? Sure, you are willing at that point to sacrifice your friends and colleagues, because by then the giant vampire that is the company has sucked so much life and so much soul out of you, you can’t even feel it anymore. You tell yourself night after night, as you work long hour after long hour, that it all means something and that there will be some great reward once the sunlight comes up again, and that the parts of your soul that are being cut away are really just extra bits you don’t need anymore. Then, after 30 years or so, you get to the end and you find your reward is a box full of nothing. That you basically made some richer people even richer and now you have a 401K and company stock and maybe a gold watch and now there’s nothing. What have you done to make anything in any part of the world any better for you having been here?

Oh, sure, there’s your family, but your kids barely know you and your spouse doesn’t know how to talk to you because for 30 years you were sacrificing huge parts of your life to the machine, in the hopes that in the end, there would be something worthwhile there. So, only then, do you realize that all those years have flown by and that somewhere about the time you went into high school someone hit the fast-forward button on your life but you were too busy moving paper from this side to that side and trying so hard to look like a good-worker-bee in the hopes that maybe you wouldn’t find your head on the chopping block to even notice how it was all flying by.

Oh sure, you could use your downtime to become involved, try to make a difference, but instead, the company is not just asking, but now DEMANDING that you sacrifice more and more and more and more of that precious free time to feed its constant hunger. That hunger that sucks you dry slowly, leaving you exhausted and battered and standing outside the doors with your pension and a gold watch and nothing to look back on and nothing to look forward to because it took everything from you.

If you’re lucky.

If you’re not, then you find that when the axe comes down, all that ass kissing just gave you chapped lips and you see the monster for what it really is. You see that all those hours meant nothing. All those hours you sacrificed, all those long nights, all of those endless days and lost weekend, all amounted to a number that some manager somewhere or some consultant somewhere decided they didn’t like. No gold watch then. Nothing.

No, what should happen, is that the company should not demand people work extra hours.

What I love are the ridiculous attempts to boost moral. One company I worked for found out a way to try and reward people for working countless extra hours. A sticker and a plastic toy! Does a sticker and a toy make up for the hours of your life that were sacrificed? Those are hours that you can never ever get back? If companies want to compensate, then they should give those hours back. How about days off? How about letting someone go home early? How about at least letting someone come in late the next day if they had to work until 3 am?

What most companies that rely only on are metrics and numbers and continually write people up for making mistakes create is not a feeling of teamwork. What they create is an atmosphere of fear. Fear that you won’t meet a metric. Fear that a chart won’t get turned in on time. Fear of making a mistake or having to tell your boss you might make a mistake because every moment and every detail of your life is plotted, charted, graphed and analyzed by the monster that lives behind the curtain.

People can’t work in an atmosphere of fear. It wears on them. It breaks them.

In the end, all of the hours worked don’t matter. It’s is a job. It pays the bills. When you stand and look at the unpleasant atmosphere, ridiculous demands and every moment is utter hell you soon discover the compensation just isn’t enough. It isn’t enough to match up against the parts of you that you sacrificed to make it. It isn’t enough to give you back the hours you wasted. It isn’t enough to make up for robbing the person of the hours they could have been using to try and make something of their lives, and maybe leave a little bit of an impression on this world.

Sacrificing your time, your family, your health, your sanity isn’t worth the plastic toy, the sticker or even the compensation. Finding solutions that allow people to put in a relatively regular working day is the route to go. Instead of cutting to the bone and expecting people to sacrifice even more, find a way to make the increased amount of people more efficient and cost-effective. You don’t put out a fire by taking people away from the hose or the line of buckets. You put out the fire by bringing more people in.

You give people back the time they sacrifice.

You don’t demand that they sacrifice it.

You create a working environment free of lies. Free of smoke and mirrors. You treat people like adults and you compensate them and reward them fairly and then you find people willing to go the extra mile when it is needed.

Let’s wake up and act like adults. Find a way to actually make a difference. Find a way to actually make things work and listen to people who have ideas on how to make things work and let’s make sure it all really does work before putting things into action.

Let’s try to make at least one aspect of working worth doing.

Right now, there’s nothing.

Bryan W. Alaspa’s novel Dust is now available in print and eBook format at his website www.bryanalaspa.com and www.amazon.com.

Morbid Fascination

2007-01-05T08:31:00.000-08:00

It can be tough to be a compassionate human being. I would love to tell you that I was above all morbid curiosity and had no desire to see anything horrible happen to another human being. I think a lot of people would like to feel that way. I am willing to bet most people tell other people that they are not the type who would slow down to peer at the plastic-covered body at the side of the road where the car accident occurred. Having sat in enough gapers-delays I can tell you that most of those people have to be lying.

Another person dying, no matter what that person may have done, is a disturbing thing. I don’t really care how cast-iron your stomach is when you see someone die and it is done violently it has to have an effect on you. Millions of dollars and hundreds of hours are spent trying to train soldiers and others who may have to take lives in the course of their day-to-day jobs so that they can shut down their emotions. In years past, even as recently as the Vietnam War, it was thought you could simply take a soldier who was out dodging bullets and knifing the enemy on a Sunday and deposit him back in his regular life on Monday and everything would just be fine. Of course we now know this is not the case.

Much of basic training at least used to be about breaking down the emotions of the individuals soldiers so you could then build them back up into killing machines. It can’t be easy to be a sniper and get a nice close-up view of the person you are about to kill and then see the damage your bullet causes once the trigger has been pulled. The effort that goes into training people to be able to make that decision to pull that trigger and then move on to another target must be staggering.

For the regular people out there, like you and me, we don’t even have that kind of training. Of course the world certainly seems to have no shortage of sociopaths. These are the people who see other people as toys and things to be played with but not actually felt for. Those are people who would stand there and watch someone dying without feeling anything. You sometimes see these folks becoming serial killers.

Still, even those of us who are not serial killers have to acknowledge there are dark instincts in the backs of our minds. We have a fascination with death. We wonder how we will face our own. We wonder what it must be like to be facing your death and knowing that in a moment you are going to die. You have to wonder about what it must be like to be locked in a cell on Death Row and to be watching the clock knowing the last few hours, minutes and seconds of your life are ticking down. I cannot imagine that. I cannot imagine being calmly lead to a death chamber and being strapped down or tied up and behaving like I was simply on a trip to the dentist.

So, it is with this curiosity that thousands of people have gone online to see the unofficial Saddam Hussein hanging. The official one, of course, was released and it was silent and stopped just after that very large noose was placed around the man’s head. Of course those who conducted the hanging are not being accused of not doing it with dignity and being chastised for hurling insults at the man before he died. Of course, had not some guy snuck his camera phone into the chamber to film the thing we never would have known for sure about the taunts and jabs.

At least three people have now been arrested for filming that unauthorized video and then posting it around the world. I think the people involved are just embarrassed that what actually happened got out to the world so the rest of the world knows that, in many ways, the new boss is very much similar to the old boss. Sure, maybe Saddam wasn’t tortured by having the bottoms of his feet whipped until the bled and then being hanged, but essentially it proved that entire part of the world is populated with nuts. Sorry to anyone who may be from that part of the world, but you have to realize that to most of the planet you all look like lunatics.

I have to admit I have looked at the video. You don’t see the actual breaking of the man’s neck. You see him fall from view and then get a shot later that shows his face twisted upwards and his neck obviously broken and his eyes staring blankly. One thing I can say is that it certainly looks like his death was much faster and more humane that the people he killed using horrific poison gas and other horrible methods.

That curiosity is there. You just can’t help it. I have it. I admit it. I am a writer and my books are filled with murder and murderers. I have visited the idea of child-murderers up to three times in works of fiction I have written. I simply cannot imagine anything more horrific or evil than someone who would hurt, injure or murder a child. So, it is easy for me to pull this up as the ultimate example of evil when I want to create a truly despicable villain.

I felt the urge a year or two back when the videos were being shown of hostages in Iraq being beheaded. I knew it was awful. I knew it would haunt me. I knew it would be some of the most horrific things a person could see. Yet, with the internet the way it is now, I also know the unedited footage could be found. I saw two of them. Each was as disturbing and horrific as I thought. Yet, I couldn’t help it. I had a curiosity. I wondered. My imagination wondered what it must have been like to be there. I could not imagine the fear.

That darkness resides in all of us. Some of us fight it better than others, I suppose. I guess some could argue I am sick and twisted and weak for looking at these things. I think that curiosity is natural for people. What mystery could really be bigger than that of death? Even those with faith in what awaits them in the afterlife still have to wonder about it. Will it really be like you’ve always heard? What if you’re wrong?

It’s natural for humans to give in, at least a little, to the dark side. Whether you slow that car down to check out how bad the accident is or pause to linger over a bloodstain you have given into that dark side. I don’t think you should be ashamed of it. It’s part of being human. We should stop being afraid of being human as much as we are these days.

Bryan W. Alaspa’s novel Dust is available in print and eBook format at his website www.bryanalaspa.com and www.amazon.com.

Attack of the Buzz Words

2007-01-04T08:08:00.000-08:00

Something needs to be done in the business world and it needs to be done now. The business world has gone so crazy with the buzzwords that they have started to make things up that have no relation of any kind to business. I can thank my good friend Tim for pointing this out to me by providing me with one of the most ridiculous cases I have ever run across.

You know what I mean about “buzzwords.” These are stupid words that really have no meaning and that managers at companies far and wide like to throw around to make themselves seem more important and more intelligent than they really are. It is my theory that they learn these words through special classes that they are force to take on the island that the managers are genetically engineered. I imagine they have classrooms as large as those hangars they use to store blimps if the sheer number and volume of middle-managers in this country is any indication. The childlike future managers sit there, heads planted firmly up their kiesters, and have headphones placed over their heads and are then forced to watch video screens where these words are flashed across the screens and pumped into their heads.

In the example given to me by my friend the subject of altitude was brought in for no conceivable reason other than the recruiter must have thought it sounded cool. In the end the examples and comparison makes absolutely no sense. I am thinking there must be a separate island where recruiters and salesmen are created. They have their own way of talking, baby, and it seldom makes sense to anyone with half of a working brain. Rain Man would look at a recruiter and ask what the hell he or she was talking about.

These days interviewing appears to be an art that is not taught on any of those islands anymore. Not too far into my past I had an interview where the person doing the interview immediately seemed antagonistic. The interviewer seemed to think she was a reporter for “60 Minutes” and that I was attempting to commit some kind of great fraud and she was going to be the one to bust me. Accusatory questions were flying along the phone lines like arrows in the movie “Braveheart.” My question to her was, if you thought I had these problems, why the hell did you want to set up the interview in the first place?

Anyway this time my friend ended up doing one interview and apparently did a great job. This is another thing every company in the world does. You simply cannot fill out an application and then have an interview with one person and then get the job. These days getting to the final level of a “Final Fantasy” game takes less time and fewer twists and turns than getting to the end of the number of people you have to talk to before you either do or do not get a job offered to you. You talk to a recruiter. Then you talk to manager. Sometimes you talk to a potential co-worker. Then you talk to the janitor, the security guard, some guy they found sleeping on a bus bench that morning and the CEO’s grandfather. You do all of this on separate days spaced roughly four months apart.

So, anyway, back to my friend. He was called back for this second interview. While in this second interview he was told by the recruiter that the first interview had given him and overview of the job from 50,000 feet and now this second interview was from 30,000 feet. I am not making this up. At least, my friend says he wasn’t making this up.

What? Huh? Unless you are applying for a job as a pilot or possibly an air traffic controller the subject of distance from the ground should not be brought up. Now, keep in mind, this is just my opinion, but when you really think about it what does that even mean? When you are trying to compare thousands of miles what possible difference would 20,000 miles mean when you are still 30,000 miles above the surface?

See if you can follow me here. Unless you are a pilot could you really tell if you were 50,000 or 30,000 miles above the ground? Everything still would look very, very, very tiny. You would still not be able to see any details. Unless you are a pilot with radar and GPS you probably wouldn’t even know where you were as far as the country itself goes. So, in short, regardless of whether you are 50,000 or 30,000 miles above anything you would really have no better idea of what you were hurtling towards other than a rather general idea of “ground.”

What would a 50,000 mile overview be? Yes, this is a job. It is a job in a building. Thanks for stopping by. And at 30,000 miles would that overview then become something just slightly more detailed? Yes, it is a job, and it is in a building and it is this building right here and the company has lots of people working for it. They tend to stand right about here. OK, don’t call us, we’ll call you and thanks for stopping by.

What comes next? Does he get a 20,000 mile overview? Does he jump right to 10,000? Will he get to plummet all the way to 5,000? When does he finally get the ground-level view of the job? After they have hired him and he’s been working there for six months?

It just goes to show you that when you really don’t have the details or a clear idea of what to say you can say pretty much anything. If you have the balls of your average recruiter (and I am including female recruiters with that) you can generally sell your B.S. to whomever is buying as well and some portion of it may sound legit.

If I were a recruiter I would take it to the next level. I would start with the entire universe and work my way down to galaxy and then planets. If I were really pressed for time maybe I would start at the level of Pluto and then work my way inward. I would then start throwing around the words stratosphere and troposphere and such. Then I would start talking about miles and then feet.

The need for buzzwords needs to stop and it needs to stop now. At some point managers, recruiters and salespeople are going to just run out of words. They are going to be forced to make up words. Eventually we will be required to lock them all up somewhere where they will be able to jabber incoherently just to each other and we can get on with actually getting work done and running things. In fact, that idea may have merit even now. An ounce of prevention, as they say.

Bryan W. Alaspa’s novel Dust is now available in print and eBook format at his website www.bryanalaspa.com and www.amazon.com.

Living as a Lobbyist: a DVD Review

2007-01-03T06:33:00.000-08:00

The movie “Thank You for Smoking” is now available on DVD and it is definitely worth adding to your NetFlix list or taking a trip down to your local rental store or whatever it is you do to watch movies these days. If you want a movie that will repeatedly make you laugh out loud while also making you think with devastatingly biting writing and outstanding comedic performances than you need look no further than this movie. While much of this has to be slightly over-stated for comedic purposes you know that there is much truth hidden here.

“Thank You for Smoking” tells the story of Nick Naylor who is also known as the Sultan of Spin. He works for the big tobacco companies and he does what he can to spin the negative aspects of smoking and the detrimental effects of smoking into something positive. For example, in the opening scene as he sits next to a boy who is maybe sixteen and has been smoking since he was a pre-teen and is now dying of cancer he makes a surprisingly valid point. Why would big tobacco want to kill this young man? They are losing a customer. The anti-smoking people, however, want this boy to die because in his dying he furthers their cause. Now THAT’S spin.

Naylor meets regularly with two other lobbyists and they call themselves the MOD Squad. MOD stands for Merchants of Death. Maria Bello plays the lobbyist for the alcohol companies who dreads the fact that 60 Minutes is running a report about fetal alcohol syndrome. His other friend is played by David Koechner who is the lobbyist for the anti-gun control people. He, right now, is trying to deal with yet another disgruntles postal worker who has gone berserk and offed some of his co-workers. They meet, have dinner and discuss strategies and compare who has the larger death toll.

Meanwhile William H. Macy turns in another outstanding and comedic performance as a Vermont senator who is trying to pass legislation that will require a skull and crossbones to be placed on every pack of cigarettes. You see he feels it’s unfair to want to kill the people who don’t speak English because they can’t read the wording on the other warnings. Macy sits behind a desk covered with maple syrup bottles of all shapes and sizes.

Naylor works for a company that is supposedly created to study the effects of smoke on people. This company has been in existence for thirty years, was created by the tobacco companies and has managed to, for thirty years, prove that there is no correlation between cigarette smoke and cancer and other diseases. As Naylor himself admits of the scientist in charge he is “brilliant.”

J.K. Simmons, he of J. Jonah Jameson in “Spider-Man,” is Naylor’s boss. They come up with the idea that they need to get celebrities in movie to start smoking again. Off goes Naylor to meet with Rob Lowe, who plays a superstar agent. Lowe is also hilarious as a man who only wants to make a deal and doesn’t care about the consequences. Eckhart and Lowe play convincing characters as they discuss that they cannot get superstars to smoke in a movie set in modern times. However, if it were a period piece set in the past when everyone smoked or perhaps in the future when smoking would be made safe again…wellllll….

Katie Holmes even shows up and puts in a decent performance of a sexy reporter bent on getting the story behind Naylor. Cameron Bright plays Naylor’s son and he turns in an outstanding performance. He understands what his father does and he evidently has some of his father’s talents. When his father shows up at his school on career day, before his father goes up to speak, he begs his father to “not destroy my childhood.” Naylor then skillfully defends his position when told by a young girl in the class that her mother says smoking is deadly. “Is your mommy a doctor?” he asks.

There is a definite note of deep cynicism of this movie. However, one scene leads seamlessly into another. The movie is put together beautifully and keeps you hurtling forward. There is an interesting note that not a single person is shown smoking or holding a cigarette throughout the entire movie. The closest you get is a scene involving nicotine patches and that turns out to be played for comedic purposes. Also, Robert Duvall turns in a brief performance as The Captain, a man who is legendary as an advocate for tobacco. He wields a cigar at one point.

The movie is full of well-timed jokes. The performances are all spot-on and that even goes for Katie Holmes who has, at times, been rather jarring for me in other performances. The writing is crisp and intelligent and witty. This is not a movie that resorts to scatological humor to get its point across. There is also not a single scene of someone wrestling another man while nude.

Somewhere along the way, in Hollywood, comedies became an attempt to throw as many jokes at you at once as could possibly be fired. It’s like loading a cannon with grapeshot and firing it at a group of marching soldiers. You throw as many as you can and see what sticks. Those that don’t you just ignore and hope that more sticks than doesn’t. This becomes a way for writers to find a way out of writing decent comedy. Rather than carefully crafting humor or creating humorous situations you just need a bunch of quick jokes in rapid succession. “Thank You for Smoking” takes the time to let its jokes build. I feel this makes the laughter more rewarding.

Of course you know there is truth behind this story. Despite the payouts big tobacco has had to make in recent years you know they still have spin doctors out there. They put out ads telling people about the dangers of smoking while still putting ads in magazines telling you how great their cigarettes are. More and more of them seem to be selling towards younger and younger people. You get them hooked young and then maybe you can get thirty years out of them before the smoke finally kills them. I am sure tobacco companies loved the idea of the cigar bar and the popularity of cigars that swept the country for a while.

In the end this is a very good and smart piece of comedy. It is a movie that should be seen by adults as it is a comedy made for adults and made for adults who are intelligent and capable of thinking. It is also a satirical and biting look at the inside of spin-doctoring and how companies and organizations can use people, words and images to make their policies a reality and affect legislation.

Bryan W. Alaspa’s novel Dust is available in print and eBook format at www.bryanalaspa.com and www.amazon.com.

What Big Oil Wants, it Gets: A DVD Review

2007-01-02T08:35:00.000-08:00

The movie “Syriana” came into theaters in 2005 and won George Clooney an Academy Award. At the time the critics praised it but they warned that the plot was a labyrinth and almost impossible to understand. Upon hearing that it was determined by me that I would simply not try to connect all of the dots or put all of the pieces together and that I would just watch the movie and watch the performances. Although the DVD has been out for a while, I must recommend this movie because you cannot watch it without having the feeling that this is true.

Essentially what you need to know about the plot is that big oil companies have gained such power that they can influence the policies of not only this country but the countries where the oil comes from. That, in a nutshell, is the point of this movie. The details as to how each individual story fits together are really secondary. This is a complex movie with very adult themes and that trusts its audience. This is a movie that does not pause to explain at length what is happening. This movie trusts the people watching that they are adults and capable of adult thought and it makes its point and moves on. This is a rare thing in modern movies.

The cast list is very impressive and it is long. Matt Damon, George Clooney, Amanda Peet, Christopher Plummer, Jeffrey White, Christ Cooper, Tim Blake Nelson. The main characters and those whose stories you follow are Clooney, Damon, White and the story of a man who wishes to become the next Emir of his country played by Alexander Siddig. Also within this story is that of a man looking for work who ends up recruited by a fundamentalist Muslim group and ends up a suicide bomber.

Each of these stories is told compellingly. Matt Damon’s character is an energy analyst living in Geneva who ends up invited to a party thrown by the Emir in some foreign land. He accepts on a whim and pressured by his co-workers. What happens at that party sets him onto a path he has not predicted and that brings him toward a conclusion that brings together his story, that of the prince and that of George Clooney.

Clooney shows he deserved his Academy Award by turning in a fantastic performance as a CIA operative pretty much on his way out. He is a man looking to stop playing around in the field that has become increasingly dangerous for him and to settle down behind a desk until he can retire. The problem is he has trouble keeping his mouth shut at the right times. Soon he is back in Lebanon and meeting face-to-face with the leader of Hezbollah. Not long after that he is tied to a chair being tortured in a scene that beats the one from “Reservoir Dogs.” Trust me, this is a scene that is not easy to watch.

Jeffrey Wright is a lawyer who is looking into the merger of two large energy companies. He has to prove that these companies are doing their due diligence and that may mean certain people may need to be sacrificed to keep appearances up. He is not a lawyer meant to show some great noble quest. He is a lawyer who knows how this game needs to be played and he plays it.

The tale of the young prince is very compelling. His father is aging and his younger brother seems to show more interest in partying and becoming some kind of rock star. His younger brother wants to keep things in his country the same as they have been. Of course, to the oil companies and the United States this is fine with them. That means the oil keeps flowing. His older brother, however, wants to make changes. He has lofty goals. He wants the Arab countries to start better-controlling the oil and to start exporting oil to China. Needless to say, this will not due and that sets things into motion with the CIA and the politicians owned by big oil.

These performances feel very real. Not once did I feel it was George Clooney playing an aging CIA agent. I felt his character was real. The story of the worker who ends up a terrorist is also compelling and shows how these men get jerked around by the large companies and how this could easily lead to disillusion and spin someone into fundamentalism.

These tales are told with equal weight and drama. There are a few stray plotlines that seem to go nowhere. The Jeffrey Wright character has an alcoholic father who shows up from time to time but seems to go nowhere and add nothing to the overall plot. Amanda Peet’s character is very well portrayed but limited perhaps due to time and I felt she could have had a bigger role. These are small quibbles, however.

One of the standout performances is that of Tim Black Nelson. You may have seen him in “O, Brother Where Are Thou?” In this movie he plays one of the executives at the energy company that is trying to complete its merger. He gives a speech about corruption and how corruption makes the entire system work that has to stand up there with Michael Douglas’ speech about greed in “Wall Street.” It is a brief performance but impassioned and memorable.

This is, in short, a very good movie. It may make you angry. It is amazing to think that this kind of thing must be going on. The United States is in very dangerous waters with its reliance on a substance that exists only a few places on the planet. It seems a very cruel joke of nature that so much of this much-needed substance exists only in some of the most dangerous places on the planet. So, despite hating terrorism and the policies and morality that is evident in some of these countries the United States has to accept them and put up them because they need that resource. Therefore those who may want to bring about real change in this region are considered dangerous because any upsetting of the balance may cut off the flow of that substance.
“Syriana” is not a light-hearted movie. It is not a movie to sit by and watch passively. It tells multiple stories and it does it well. The performances are powerful. The camera-work is excellent. The plots are intricate and well-written. The overall plot may be too thick to see through, but if you take it in its component parts you can enjoy and amaze at excellent modern filmmaking.

In short, I recommend a viewing of this DVD. It will make you think. It will make you gasp in surprise. It will make you wonder about this country and who really runs whom.

Bryan W. Alaspa’s novel Dust is available in print and eBook format at www.bryanalaspa.com and www.amazon.com.

Taking a Look at Faith

2007-01-01T07:07:00.000-08:00

I have friends who are, at best, agnostic when it comes to things like God and religion. Some believe that religion is a kind of weakness. Some believe that having faith in something that cannot be seen or proven is just a way of believing in fairy tales and whistling past the graveyard. They want to look down upon those of us who believe in something beyond this world as silly and antiquated and somehow unenlightened.

Let me first state that I do count myself among those unenlightened. If there were to be a name applied to me it would be that of Christian. While I have written before of my problems of people who become blind Christians and my problems with organized religion the fact is that I do believe in God and Jesus Christ and all of that. While some of the more fanciful parts of the Bible I feel should be taken as allegory and symbolism I do believe the general heart of what Christianity teaches. What people forget is that the general theme and heart of the part of the Bible known as The New Testament is that God is love and that you need to have faith.

So, ignoring all of the things that go with Christianity and whether or not a man born a thousand years ago was divine or not let’s just look at what most religion is. Most religion, in the end encourages you to believe in something that cannot be proven. It cannot be measured and it cannot be laid out on a table and revealed. Most religions also come down to a belief in love. In short it all comes down to faith. This is the part where my friends often have trouble.

Let’s look at the idea of faith. Take faith away from religion and look at it as belief in something happening that you cannot control. When you sit in an airplane you have faith that this machine that is obviously very heavy will lift into the air and take you wherever it is you are planning to travel. You also have faith that the men in the cockpit know what they are doing. You have faith that the day they taught take offs and landings wasn’t the day this particular pilot was asleep. You also have faith that when you put your car key into the ignition that your car will start.

Sure, you say, but each of those things involves science. Science and theory and the application of that theory is what permits an airplane to take off. It is education and knowledge that allows the pilots to fly. It takes maintenance and work and technology to allow your car to start. Forgetting that each of those things started as a theory before they became commonplace and that testing a theory often takes faith then let me acknowledge you are correct in saying these things. Airplanes and automobiles use science and knowledge. They are tangible. You can see a plane flying overhead and you can go out to your car right now and start it up.

If that is the case then let’s look at emotion. Emotions have no physical amounts. You cannot grab a pinch of anger, add a dash of hate, a teaspoonful of jealousy mix it together and produce some kind of emotion cake. Of all of the emotions the one that seems to be the most trouble and the most sought after would be that of love. I think even the most anti-faith and agnostic would agree with me that love exists.

Still, can you pour out a glass of love for me to see? Can you please fry up some love on your grill and serve it to me so I can taste how good it is? Can you please reach into your pocket and produce several coins of love that I can use to go purchase something? Can you actually prove to me that love exists?

Simply grabbing your spouse or child and kissing them or hugging them is not proof of love. Grabbing your spouse or feeling the urge to hug your child are the effects of love. You feel the love for that person and you react to it. You are not showing that love itself exists. You cannot point to a pile of love and tell me that this is where you get your love for this person or that person.

In short even if you deny faith as it applies to religion then you must have faith. You have faith in the intangible. When you gazed upon the newborn son or daughter in your arms and felt that overwhelming feeling of love you put your faith in something that was beyond your control. In short, you believe in something you cannot see or prove actually exists. In short, you have faith.

Whether or not there is a heaven is not really the point of religion. It is not the point of faith. It is something that is nice to think about, sure, but it is not the reason I have faith. I have faith because I believe there is more to the world than what we can see and what we can prove. I believe that there is something that makes one person different from another. I believe that there is, in short, a soul.

You cannot quantify or qualify a soul. I can no more point to something and say that this is proof of a soul anymore than you could point to something and say it is proof of love. I merely say that I see the effects of the soul. I see how people do good and they do evil. I see how people show great compassion and great cruelty. I see how people have the capacity to do greatness and I think that what drives people to do all of that is something I cannot see. I think that is what the soul is.

So, faith is, in the simplest terms believing in something that cannot be proven. It means believing in something that you cannot point to with certainty and say, here it is and this is what it is. It means wearing a blindfold and standing over the swimming pool and believing that there will be water in there. It means leaning back and falling and trusting that your friends will catch you. It means believing in something that you cannot prove. In short, it takes vast courage to have faith.

Therefore, I say to you that faith is not weakness. Faith is not a crutch. Faith is not being unenlightened. Faith takes more courage than can possible be imagined. Not having faith is sticking your fingers in your ears and making noises so you don’t hear what is going on around you. Not having faith is being defiant like a child and being afraid that there just might be forces that cannot be quantified and qualified might be at work. Faith is jumping with your eyes closed and knowing that the best is yet to come despite what everyone else might be saying.

So, here’s hoping we all have faith in this coming new year. Here’s hoping we all have things to have faith in. Here’s hoping we can all have faith in each other.

Bryan W. Alaspa’s novel Dust is available in print and eBook format at www.bryanalaspa.com and www.amazon.com.

The Reluctant Leader

2006-12-29T06:56:00.000-08:00

When someone famous dies it can have a strange effect on you. You probably didn’t really know them. In a lot of cases they are often old anyway so it’s hard to exactly say you were surprised to hear that they passed away. Still, something about that particular person brings back strong memories and it causes you to take a moment to pause and reflect and remember that person. This was my reaction when I learned of the death of President Gerald Ford.

Ford was 93. Even by today’s standards that’s still pretty old. He had certainly not been in great health for the past couple of years. When I saw him at Reagan’s funeral I made the comment that we would probably be having another one of these funerals in the near future. I immediately pointed to Ford. I didn’t think he looked so good. I also pointed out that George Bush the First is in his eighties, although he still looks pretty healthy. I also mentioned that Margaret Thatcher didn’t look very good and had apparently suffered some kind of stroke. You had better believe Maggie’s funeral is going to be a big deal when her time finally comes.

So, I have to say I wasn’t exactly shocked when I heard that President Ford had passed away. Still, I had one of those moments when I realized a part of history was over. I then had a moment to realize that it was a moment of history that I was actually alive during and had some vague memory of. I have to say that President Ford was the first president I actually sort of remembered. I remembered his face on television. I remembered the men who droned on and on during the news talking about him. I remember the WIN magnet we had on our refrigerator back then.

Ford came into the Presidency by accident, as you have probably heard now. But when you stop and think about it he was just the right guy at just the right time. Imagine if someone more like the president he was replacing had stepped in. Nixon was an Imperialist. He ran a very tight ship and considered himself rightfully in absolute control of everything. Of course his obsession with power and keeping that power was ultimately his undoing. Ford, of course, had found himself a heartbeat away from the Presidency almost by accident.

Ford was a senator. By all accounts he was a damn good one. Spiro Agnew was the Vice President under Nixon but was forced to resign due to a scandal. Seems Nixon just managed to surround himself with scandals and some were of his making and some were not. Ford had ambitions of making it to Speaker of House, a position of great power as well. He was picked by Nixon to replace Agnew. Then, lo and behold, Nixon had to follow Agnew in resignation. Ford, without ever running for either high office, was now President of the United States.

Can you imagine how that must have felt? When Harry Truman took office after Roosevelt died he reportedly told Eleanor Roosevelt that he felt like the sky, sun, moon and all of the stars had fallen on his shoulders. Considering there was an unpopular war still being fought (sound familiar) and the country was reeling from the corruption that had been uncovered in what was the face of the nation to the rest of the world the whole mess must have seemed like something we would never get out of to Gerald Ford. Had he wanted to, without having been chosen by the public, he could have made himself a kind of Emperor. He originally said he had no ambitions to run in the next election. Had he kept that idea he would have had no one to answer to. He could have at least attempted to do almost anything.

Instead, as I said, he was the right man at the right time. He was more accessible to the public and the media that Nixon. He was more willing to talk to people as regular people. He was also, without a doubt, a man who loved his country and the ideals set-forth in the Constitution. In short, he was a good guy and, for a politician, and honest guy. I haven’t reviewed every moment of the man’s life but he sure seems to have been, on the whole, an honest man.

Of course we all know the trouble he found himself in when he pardoned Nixon. At the time the country was still a mass of open wounds. People were crying for blood. Vietnam had just ended. Thousands of wounded, mentally and physically, soldiers were coming home with haunted eyes and terrible stories. Watergate had shattered the public’s faith in government. People wanted to hang Nixon from the highest rafter they could find. Ford, again, playing the right man a the right time, somehow managed to see past that and do what was, ultimately, right for the country. He pardoned the man.

Think about the guts that must have taken. Everyone in the country wanted Nixon to go on trial, or so it seemed. They wanted him tarred and feathered. They wanted him in prison. What would that have solved? What good would have come from putting a former president in prison? It would have done no good to watch a protracted and long trial played out on television. It would have caused further harm and deeper wounds to see Nixon sitting there answering questions and attempting to defend himself. Ford was able to see past the bloodlust and see what was good for everyone and make the right decision. Even those who criticized him severely at the time have since changed their views and admitted it was the right thing to have done. It takes some kind of mind to see two or three decades into the future and know that eventually the country would come around to your way of thinking.

Ford did it knowing it would probably cost him. He must have known that voters would hold it against him if he did decide to run in the next election. He did it anyway. It’s hard to imagine any president since then doing something like that knowing it would probably cost them the next election. These days CYA seems to be the norm in Washington. See what I mean, he was a good guy. It’s too bad there haven’t been more of those in that seat of power since him.

We all know what happened. Ford lost to Carter. It’s hard to imagine that Ford was only president for around two years. When I think back to my vague childhood memories of him it seems like he was president much longer. I think that was because he was always on television. He was always letting us in on what he was doing. Again, this is something administrations could learn from in the future.

So, yes, Ford was old and he was sick. His death was not a shock, at least to me. Still, I think it’s nice to pause and remember a guy who didn’t want the reigns of power but seemed extraordinarily suited for them once he got them. He did good for this country and he was a decent guy. Not a bad record, if you ask me.

Bryan W. Alaspa’s novel Dust is available in print and eBook format at www.bryanalaspa.com and www.amazon.com.

Looking at Weather

2006-12-28T07:36:00.000-08:00

I am continually amazed at Midwesterners and how they react to the weather in the winter. This is the Midwest. Every year the weather gets cold and we have snow. In fact, this year it has been surprisingly, almost distressingly, mild so far. Still, people complain and whine and moan as soon as you get a couple of cloudy days strung together or, here in Chicago, the weather turns off of the lake and we get brisk winds.

I have written before about my love for winter. I enjoy the cooler months. There is a simple reason for that and that is because I am more comfortable with the idea of freezing to death as opposed to dying from heat-related issues. When you freeze to death you just kind of slow down and go to sleep. When you die from heat you sweat and your skin dries out and your lips crack and bleed and your tongue swells and you experience dementia and you burn up.

Also there is the fashion issue. I am certain you have seen some people out and about during the warmer months wearing clothes that have to make you wonder if they own mirrors or, perhaps, if the mirrors they are using are made in such a way that they do not actually see themselves as they really are. Look at Anna Nicole Smith back when she weighed roughly the same as a full-grown beluga whale. She would wear clothes that seemed only to accentuate the fact she was now roughly the same weight of a full-grown beluga whale and eyeing full-grown sperm whale status.

I, personally, hate my legs. I enjoy the fact that they still work and that I can stand up and walk but I hate how they look. They are white and flabby and hairy and, generally speaking, are not fit for human sight. I don’t enjoy looking at them and figure no one else really would either. Rather than find out after I have left the house without the possibility of changing I just wear jeans all of the time and that saves a lot of worry and concern. There’s too much to worry about these days than having to worry about my flab scaring small children.

You see some of these people, often at malls, walking around. They are often wearing jeans so tight you have to wonder how someone was able to get into them without Crisco and some sort of machinery. They are also wearing shoes, mostly open-toed, that also appear three sizes too small. Their cankles merge with the shoes with bulges that fall over the top straps and pudgy toes screaming from behind more straps like fugitives screaming from behind prison bars. On top they often wear something that might as well point directly to their rolls of fat with big shiny neon. You wonder of that shirt is really supposed to bare the midriff or if perhaps the shirt is normal sized but on Fattie Hoochie Mama it just turns out to be a midriff-baring shirt. They often walk around with purses and jewelry of the gaudiest type, often with gold, and bring as much undeserved attention to themselves as possible.

I firmly believe some kind of body perspective is needed. We no longer live in the times where the fattest people are the richest people and, therefore, the fattest people are admired. While the female form can certainly be fuller for my tastes, there has to be a point where reason takes over. I don’t mind a woman with extra pounds as long as she is aware of the fact she has them and that not everyone in the world really wants to look at them bulging out from ill-fitting clothes.

You don’t run across this quite as much in the winter. This means everyone looks relatively pleasant. The rolls are hidden beneath sweaters and sweatshirts and long sleeves. This means the parts of the female anatomy most of us males like to look at are accentuated such as the breasts. Of course, the sweaters should be reasonable as well. If your sweater makes you look like some kind of billboard or perhaps a circus tent you should be aware of that as well.

I like having to wear my leather jacket. You just can’t get away with wearing cool jackets in the summer time unless you just happen to be in a western movie. You know the ones I am talking about. Mostly they are directed by Sergio Leone or Sam Peckinpah. You just see whole armies of guys standing in what is obviously the desert and surrounded by sweaty people who look like Mexicans and they are all wearing floor-length duster coats. At least most of the time the movies allow them to wear light-colored dusters which would make them about half a degree cooler, but sometimes they are even there in the dark or black dusters. You just have to wonder about that. Did cowboys really wear long coats like that in the middle of the desert? Did a lot of cowboys die from heat exhaustion?

For me there is nothing better than a snow storm. Snow makes everything look sparkling and clean and white, at least for the first few hours after the snow falls. Eventually the snow turns gunky and black and nasty and slushy but for a while everything looks new. There is nothing more beautiful than a schoolyard filled with white snow untouched by anyone. You can then leave your own footprints as you walk through and leave your own mark. You can also make snowballs and snowmen. You really can’t do that when it rains.

Of course you always hear the weathermen talk about the late-winter rainstorms. They all speak with relief about the fact that the precipitation is rain rather than snow. To me, this is not good news. Rain could mean flooding. Rain could mean soggy wet leather jackets. Rain means ruined shoes and huge puddles. Rain can also mean thunderstorms and thunderstorms can lead to tornadoes and tornadoes do not make the world look sparkling and bright and clean. Tornadoes have this tendency to make people look dead and houses look like tiny sticks. A neighborhood scoured to the ground by a tornado is not the same as a neighborhood covered with beautiful crystalline snow.

So, for me, winter will always be better than summer. Fall will always be better than spring. Too many people dwell on the dark parts of both of those seasons and forget to admire the beauty and look for the positives. Sure the leaves are falling and the plants are closing up but they are just making room for the sledding and snow-shoeing and skiing. Also you are missing the stunning beauty of the leaves changing color which I will gladly take over a humid, miserable, hot July day any day of the week and twice on Sunday. I will also gladly take a blizzard over a thunderstorm with those same odds.

So, you go one and keep whining. I will be the one going for the pleasant walk in my hat and leather jacket, looking cool, while you sit inside your house and moan.

Bryan W. Alaspa’s novel Dust is available in print and eBook format at his website www.bryanalaspa.com and www.amazon.com.

Holiday People and Those Who are Not

2006-12-27T07:34:00.000-08:00

I am starting to believe there are two types of people in the world: those who enjoy and really get into holidays and those who do not. I am also starting to believe I am second type. I know plenty of people who are the first type, however, and they continue to be a bit of a puzzlement to me. Yes, I enjoy Christmas and I enjoy parties and I kind of see where the fun in holidays can be but what I cannot see is why people get so involved in holidays.

I was married to a woman who was very into holidays. She was particularly fond of Christmas. I have always had a soft-spot for Christmas. How can you not like a holiday that involves presents? I even used to enjoy decorating when I was a kid. My ex-wife was very into decorating. As I grew older the desire to spend hours and hours hanging up lights and dragging tree parts or entire trees into my living room and putting up ornaments just seemed like a lot of work for just one day.
I think the same thing can be said for weddings. I am guessing there are two types of people here and they are people who love weddings and people who do not. While I certainly went through one I wonder about going through a second one at times. Again it seems like a huge amount of money and planning and setting up for things only for it all to be over so fast you are left with your head spinning and your stomach in knots. All anyone really wants to do is get to the party and the couple is more worried about the wedding night then the wedding day and that’s the way things really are and if someone tells you different then you know that’s a couple that may have problems.

I think the holiday that has the least fun attached to it would be New Years Eve. I have never, even as a kid, been a fan of New Years Eve. When you are younger you can’t really participate in parties. If your parents were like mine you could maybe make it until midnight before being immediately shuffled off to bed or you were sent to bed around 10 and really the entire point was lost. If you are like my parents then you can barely make it to ten o’clock now on a regular night even when there isn’t some kind of holiday attached to it.

For the past several years my New Years Eve was spent working at a radio station. I loved doing that. You pretty much had to the place to yourself and you had an entire radio station at your fingertips. I usually was asked to do some kind of countdown and request show. One of the best times was when a caller called to tell me he felt the city of Rockford should institute some kind of cheap public transportation for the night of New Years Even program. You know, like some of the larger cities do. I had to inform him that while I was on the radio I didn’t have the mayor in the studio with me and he might as well start some kind of letter-writing campaign.

It just seems to me that New Years Eve is a holiday where the entire purpose is to get drunk and then wear funny hats. If that’s the kind of thing that you are into I guess I have no right to stop you but it really doesn’t do much for me. I am the one who sits there looking at the throngs in New York and wonders how anyone could really have a good time while smashed in so close to a billion other people. I also don’t understand why watching a round object slowly descend down a pole is fun.

For me New Years Eve was always about hanging out with a few friends. When I look back at the parties and gatherings I have attended I always end up remembering the quiet dinners I had with friends in St. Louis rather than the large parties where no one could hear anyone and it was so hot you thought you might burst into flames. Of course if that happened most people would probably assume it was part of the celebration and just cheer and wonder why you weren’t descending a pole. I also greatly enjoyed the two New Years Even concerts I attended so far where a group called The Flaming Lips played.

This year I actually look forward to spending the night here at home, probably alone and probably one where I will be asleep by 11. Really I could stay up and celebrate with New York and then go to sleep. What’s one hour? Is it really that big of a deal that it hasn’t technically become midnight here in Chicago?

Again, it all seems like a big deal for something that is over with so quickly that it makes little sense to me. There is a lot of decorating for other holidays. I have yet to see any New Years Eve lights or trees or bags that you fill with leaves. I am guessing that the decorations makers and the card makers have not gotten around to the idea of commercial possibilities when it comes to New Years Eve. I am guessing if you want to make a fortune you should find a way to start your own line of New Years Eve decorations and market them so soon everyone will have New Years Eve lights and lawn bags.

I guess I am not a holiday guy. I am willing to bet you there are a lot of people out there who are not holiday people. I am particularly angry with the holidays that seem to be entirely invented by card people those people who make candy and such. I am talking about holidays like Valentine’s Day which is a holiday I despise with such a passion that others have been frightened when I have talked about it. Of course there is also Sweetest Day which is the most ridiculous and obviously fake holiday in the creation of holidays.

I think there should be holidays that would make the world more fun. There should be a holiday where you are allowed to tell your boss to go screw him or herself without there being a risk of being fired. I wonder about a day where nudity is not only allowed but encouraged but afraid too many people who should not be naked, including myself, will end up walking around instead of gorgeous people which is what you would really want to see. How about a day just for sitting at home watching movies or another one for sitting at home and reading? I would suggest a day where people are required to attend their own private film festivals or watch movies created before 1964. I would also like a day when comic book geeks are allowed to rule the world and not be mocked but that may be too much to ask for.

Mostly I think New Years Eve should be a little bit about reflection. It should be a look back at the world that was and a look ahead to ways to make the upcoming world better. Instead too many people will drink themselves into oblivion and forget everything that went before and uncaring about what is coming up next. Then again, what do I know? I’m just a crank.

Bryan W. Alaspa’s novel Dust is a great book to put in your new year reading list and can be found in print and eBook format at www.bryanalaspa.com and www.amazon.com.

2006: A Look Back

2006-12-26T08:29:00.000-08:00

2006 was quite a year. Yes, quite a year. If you are anything like me then you are probably standing here at the end of the year and looking back and saying, “When the hell did this happen? How the hell did I get here? What the hell happened?” Christmas has just passed and that means New Years is right in the viewfinder. I am not a fan of New Years Eve. I have no plans this year after spending the last couple of years working at a radio station on New Years Eve. I loved working New Years Eve at the radio station. It was more fun than being in a crowd somewhere celebrating the descent of some usually-round-shaped-object.

But it is now the time to look back at the year that was. Being one who loves to make lists, I thought this would be a great way to make yet another one.

January started out full of hope but is probably best remembered by those who follow world events as the month that Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon had a massive stroke. To those who don’t follow world politics and just like to panic about things there was still the world-wide one going on about bird flu. It was also the month where a South Korean scientist was shown to have lied about cloning a human. Meanwhile in Iraq things continued as normal which, of course, means things kept exploding and far too many soldiers and citizens continued to die because of it.

February arrived and the United States followed its tradition of forgetting what is going on in the rest of the world and focused on what’s really important: The Super Bowl. The Steelers of Pittsburgh manage to beat the Seahawks of Seattle 21-10 in a very boring game that does little to make anyone look forward the game the following year. Meanwhile a passenger ferry in Egypt sank in the Red Sea taking a lot of people right down with it. The Grammy Awards are held and U2 manages to win “Most Smug and Superior Lead Singer” of the year awards along with several others. Also, the Winter Olympics starts and my house gets excited but Bryant Gumbel makes stupid comments about how boring these events are compared the infinitely more-boring “March Madness” of the following month.

In March the first World Baseball Classic starts and proves that you can take America’s past-time, make it global and the U.S. will immediately lose interest in it. The U.S. team is eliminated rather quickly but other parts of the world actually do seem to care about this contest. Japan ends up beating Cuba in the Championship and winning the thing. The Academy Awards are held and there is much buzz and uncomfortable conversation among men about the movie “Brokeback Mountain.” It wins best picture despite every male saying he has never seen, nor will be ever see, this particular movie event though there’s nothing wrong with it, really.

Come April Ariel Sharon, despite being in a coma for four months, is finally officially removed from office. Many in the United States wonder when George Bush, obviously in some kind of stupor at the very least, will follow suit. The President of Iran announces to the world that Iran has produced enriched uranium. He then goes on to declare that the sun is actually the moon and that the color blue is actually a more-pleasant shade of pink. Zacarias Moussaoui is sentenced to life in prison and this greatly reduces the value of his martyr trading cards. Also, little-known writer Bryan W. Alaspa decides he might like to start freelance writing in his spare time and starts blogging.

May dawned and people continued to protest immigration laws by staging something called The Great American Boycott. Considering no one can remember exactly what this was its effect is obviously staggering. A number of miners are trapped in Australia. After 14 torturous days underground two miners of the fourteen trapped, Todd Russell and Brant Webb are rescued. A huge earthquake hits Java in Indonesia and 6,000 people are estimated to have been killed.

June started with the revelation of a terrorist ring being broken up in Toronto with allegations the group was planning to blow up targets in and around Toronto. The United States is once again forced to admit that Canada exists. Notorious terrorist Abu Masab al-Zarqawi and seven of his helpers are killed in an air-raid in Iraq. The World Cup starts. Most of the United States yawns and wonders what else is on television. The Miami Heat wins the NBA Championship and people like me who hate the NBA continue to watch baseball. Also, the Carolina Hurricanes beat the Edmonton Oilers to win the Stanley Cup and three people notice. Two of them are Canadian and one is my friend in St. Louis. Even the players on both teams are disinterested and when asked why they are celebrating they reply “we were just told this was, finally, the last damn game of the season!” This happens on June 19. June 20th, the next season of the NHL starts.

In July Kim Jong Il steps up and shocks much of the world by launching 7 missiles including a long-range missile that is called the Taepodong-2. Everyone in the world immediately laughs at the name of the missile. Italy wins the FIFA World Cup in overtime on penalty kicks. Something finally interesting happens during a match when French Team player Zinedine Zidane head-butts Italian player Materazzi. This immediately goes up on YouTube and played countlessly even by people who have no idea what the World Cup is. St. Louis gets hit by two huge derechos (fancy meteorologist-speak for “windstorm”) within three days. Friends immediately send e-mails and pictures to Bryan W. Alaspa who is terrified of bad weather and storms to further add to his collection of weather-related nightmares. Floyd Landis wins the Tour De France and almost immediately is accuse of doping when he fails, appropriately enough, a doping test.

August starts off with the comforting news of massive arrests in England of potential terrorists who have binary compounds disguised as sports drinks that they plan to use to blow up dozens of aircraft at once. All liquids are immediately banned on flights everywhere. August is also the month where the Milky Way Galaxy loses a planet when the parameters of what constitutes a planet are changed by something called the International Astronomical Union. While also winning an award for “Most Pretentious Sounding Organizational Name” it makes Pluto essentially a large snowball and demotes it from planet.

In September Andre Agassi, and his hair (or lack thereof these days), retires from tennis. Pope Benedict makes a speech in Germany where he states that Islam is a religion that promotes violence. Islam immediately responds that this is not true by violently protesting and making threats of violence as proof that they are not, in fact, violent. The Pope attempts to hold up a dictionary to point out the word “irony” to the Islamic world but it is largely ignored due to the violence. Spinach was found contaminated with E. Coli which prompts many children to collectively yell “See!” to their parents. The Superdome in New Orleans reopens after the disaster of Hurricane Katrina when the Saints play. Also, Representative Mark Foley is forced to resign when explicit e-mails are found wherein he sexually harasses an underage male page. The Republicans do all they can to disavow Foley and try to plant incriminating Democratic evidence in his home.

October opens sadly when tragedy strikes in the Amish community in Pennsylvania when five young women are killed in a one-room schoolhouse. Charles Carl Roberts is the gunman and the reasons for his rampage are confusing and profoundly sad. Meanwhile just to add comfort to the world who thought the Cold War was over North Korea announces it has successfully conducted its first-ever nuclear test. Google buys YouTube for 1.65 billion dollars which causes the rest of the world to wonder exactly when the world is going to end because this HAS to be a sign of the Apocalypse. The St. Louis Cardinals manage to win the World Series despite winning under 100 games during the regular season. Even diehard sports fans such as myself collectively yawn. Bob Barker announces he will retire from The Price is Right which has been running successfully in one form or another since Ancient Egypt. John Kerry makes a stupid joke (he says) that manages to tick off everyone who is currently wearing or had once worn a military uniform. The Democrats wonder if they can box Kerry up and store him somewhere until after the mid-term elections.

November opens with the announcement from the magazine “Science” that 90% of marine life will be extinct by 2048. By November 3 Saddam Hussein and two if his senior aides are sentenced to death by hanging under the charge of crimes against humanity and having a poorly groomed beard. The mid-term elections are held and the Democrats win back both the House and Senate. George Bush announces he was just kidding all along about Donald Rumsfeld and he “resigns” almost immediately. Al Jazeera launches and English-language counterpart. Many protest but some just want to go to the website and watch the thing to see what the hubbub is since you can’t see it on cable anywhere just yet. Michael Richards launches a racist tirade at a comedy club causing many to wonder exactly when Michael Richards suddenly decided he was a stand-up comic.

Finally, December comes and the year finally comes to an end. The President continues to ignore the special study about Iraq. Rush Limbaugh continues to bluster and blather and other conservatives attempt to pretend everything is going great over there if the media would just stop showing the hundreds of dead people being blown to bits while trying to get to work or the market. By December 13 the Chinese River Dolphin is officially declared extinct. U.S. Senator Tim Johnson suffers a stroke and undergoes emergency surgery causing worries about the balance of power in the Senate. A Libyan court sentences give Bulgarian nurses and a Palestinian doctor to death for knowingly infecting hundreds of Libyan children with HIV. Fighting breaks out between Palestinian groups within Palestine. Israel sighs and watches waiting to see if the two sides will, essentially, destroy each other. On Christmas the Godfather of Soul and the Hardest Working Man in showbiz, James Brown, dies of heart failure due to complications with pneumonia.

Thus was the year that was. In there somewhere were also things like the death of the Crocodile Hunter and the release of the Iraq study that George W. continues to ignore. Things got worse in a place known as Darfur in Africa and in Iraq. All in all, it was a year most would probably agree it’s best that it just ends. So, now we look forward to 2007. Hopefully little-known writer Bryan W. Alaspa will finally get an offer from a newspaper or magazine either online or in print to write these columns for them and get paid so-as to make all of the effort a little more worthwhile.

If you want to start 2007 out right you can buy Bryan W. Alaspa’s novel Dust which is available in print and eBook form at www.bryanalaspa.com and www.amazon.com.

Attack of the Big Giant Head

2006-12-23T06:19:00.000-08:00

I feel I need to do a lot of qualifying in this particular rant. There are a few things I think need to be gotten straight and kept straight in everyone’s head before I can proceed. There are some things going on in the media and on television over the past few days and, to be honest with you, it’s really hard to pick a villain in this scenario. Yet, despite this fact and despite the rather obnoxious and potentially villainous demeanor and manner of other key elements of this story one giant enormous head has come screeching to an ear-splitting pitch and made me want to stab myself in the eyes with a letter-opener.

FACT: I think Donald Trump is a self-aggrandizing, no-talent, no-taste moron with the worst hairstyle of this or any century and I am including the ones back in Medieval times when there were no hairstylists. He is constantly broke and yet always coming back. When you dig you find he really does nothing more than lend his name to things and then self-promote the hell out of them. He really has little controlling interest in the things he runs around acting like he runs. Everything he has he claims is the best and the most fantastic and most wonderful. However, having seen what passes for his home on one episode of that dismal show “The Apprentice” I can say that you would feel more homey sleeping on the marble floor of the Field Museum in Chicago. Still, he is not the villain in this tale.

FACT: The Miss USA pageant somehow manages to be less-classy than the Miss America pageant. It is a pageant that at least had the decency to act like what a pageant should be and that is females parading around in skimpy outfits and looking sexy. Miss America wants to pass itself off as somehow more-classy by offering scholarships and changing the swimsuit competition and whether or not the women are barefoot of wear heels. As if bare feet or heels makes a difference. Still, it was almost laughable how the world and the entertainment “media” acted like it was the end of the world or a scandal on par with Watergate when the current Miss USA was nearly “dethroned” because of her partying. Most men were probably like me and just wanted to see the pictures of her kissing Miss Teen USA which she was supposedly accused of doing. Still, even this pageant, the notion of entertainment “media” or the fact that “The Donald” had to bend down like some self-appointed king and offer her clemency is the villain in this piece. Of course, now, once some of the pictures were seen, Donald then REVERSED his decision and “terminated” her. I have no idea what this means about her rehab

FACT: Rosie O’Donnell has a big giant fat head with a big giant flapping mouth and big giant flapping lips flapping over big giant scary teeth and a big giant annoying voice to top it all of in one big giant, flapping, scary, annoying package.

I was so glad when Rosie stopped her show. I hated her voice and the fact that everyone seemed to be laughing themselves into fits over jokes that were stale five years before she said them. I hated her attempt to turn that one magazine into her own version of the Oprah magazine. I was glad when that didn’t work either. I, for one, hoped she might just retire somewhere and never be seen again except maybe on occasional attempts to revive “The Hollywood Squares.”

Who the hell made her the one who could suddenly pass judgment on the morals and values of everyone else in Hollywood? Why does she suddenly feel she needs to step in and decide that whatever Donald does is beneath contempt but whatever she says and does somehow smells perfect and turns lead into gold? Why does she get to tell people like Britney and Lindsay that they should come to her for help?

Rosie seems to be a bit pent up these days. It is as if the time off she took between when her self-titled show ended and her time on The View started she has just had to bite her tongue. She apparently has bit it so much that everything behind her vocal chords has caused some kind of verbal constipation and The View has become some kind of laxative that has now allowed her to shoot verbal diarrhea all over the airwaves. She used to criticize Howard Stern for his brand of broadcasting but I find everything Rosie has done lately infinitely more offensive, obnoxious and annoying that anything Howard ever did.

First she had the nerve to attack Kelly Ripa for the strange events that transpired between her and Clay Aiken. I forget the exact nature of the argument but Rosie somehow felt that something Kelly said (oh, right, about not knowing where Clay’s hand had been when he clamped it over her mouth, rather rudely) was homophobic. As if on planet Rosie anything about hygiene directed at anyone who may or may not be homosexual is a direct attack on that community. What about the fact that clamping your hands over someone’s mouth is rude and annoying? Such things do not matter to Madam Rosie the giant flapping head when she perceives that maybe someone might have said something that may be misconstrued as homophobic as long as you also happen to be clinically insane. What planet is she from?

She amazes me. She is a miracle of nature. She has the nerve to make fun of Donald’s hair. Of course, Donald’s hair is also a miracle of nature and hairspray but, really Rosie, heal thine own tresses before thou cast stones ‘pon the tresses of others. You who once went so butch that you made others who are proudly butch want to wear long-haired wigs. Right now your hair looks like a slightly-longer version of Mike Ditka. It is obvious you take tips from him because you just pretty much brush it back of your giant enormous flapping forehead.

So, exactly why she felt that this was an area where she should step in and comment and declare what she feels should be the way things should go. I sort of feel sorry for the rest of the cackling hens on that show she is on. It must be hard to get a word in edgewise when you have someone as giant and flapping and annoying and used to getting her own way on things. Not that the rest of them have ever really had anything to say. Apparently Star Jones was so intimidated by the other giant flapping head moving in she felt she needed to get out of there.

So, I don’t really know what happened with Miss USA. I think she probably partied like a lot of young women do. They see Britney and they see Lindsay and they think that maybe it’s OK. I already talked about dumb stars being poor role models. At the same time large, flapping-headed, fat-lipped, bad-haired women flapping their fat flapping gums in screeching annoying voices as if they were intelligent or possessed a shred of actual talent are also very bad role models. In fact, it would be my assertion no one you see on television should be anyone’s role model.

Writers, on the other hand, I am sure they make fantastic role models.

Bryan W. Alaspa’s novel Dust is available in print and eBook format on his website www.bryanalaspa.com and www.amazon.com.

Maintaining Neutrality

2006-12-21T08:49:00.000-08:00

Being a cynic and, therefore, a natural skeptic is tough at times. Essentially you are stuck in a perpetual Catch-22 scenario. This is especially true when it comes to conspiracy theories. Sometimes you hear one and say to yourself, “hmm, that sounds like it could be valid.” Much of them involve large corporations doing things just for themselves to the detriment of everyone else. As a cynics you may think to yourself, “this sound valid. Sure, corporation would only think about themselves and just think about the bottom line and I bet they would sacrifice their own grandmother if it would improve their bottom line.” You may even have first hand experience with this concept. However, just as you think that you have to think, “at the same time the conspiracy theorists are wanting to get everyone on their side to justify their existence and so, of course, they are must present a compelling argument to do so. Therefore, their evidence must be suspect.” In general this creates a kind of situation where you are perpetually stuck between two opposing forces convinced everyone is a jerk and no one wants to do anything good for anyone.

So, it is with this in mind that I came across this idea of “Internet Neutrality.” As it turns out, it’s something that has been brought up on shows like “The Daily Show.” Of course “The Daily Show” also has a pronounced liberal/libertarian bent so you have to keep that in mind as well. I will attempt to explain what this in case you are like me and coming a little late to this particular party.

Apparently the best way to explain it is to think of the internet like a pipeline between the computer and the Net. Supposedly, the way things are arranged now every website has the same chance as any other website to become popular or not become popular because they should, in theory, be able to get to your computer when you go there as fast as any other website. This, to me, seems like a over-simplification and patently untrue, but this seems to be the argument those who are pro-neutrality are trying to use in their favor. Because each website can use the same tools as any other and can be downloaded at the same rate as any other this achieves some kind of internet utopia. It creates “Net Neutrality.”

According to those who are pro-neutrality the big internet service providers are trying to set up a second pipeline. Essentially this second pipeline will be for various partner who would pay the internet service providers large amounts of money for their sites to show up more and download faster than the regular schlubs out there who don’t pay those fees. As you might imagine this creates a caste system on the internet with the wealthy on the surface and the lower-end folks slaving away in the mines and the machines beneath the city (for a clearer idea of this analogy please see the silent film “Metropolis.”)

Now, here is where the cynic in me starts to debate. OK, it seems perfectly logical to me that huge, unthinking and uncaring corporations who are always looking for a way to screw someone over to make an extra dime would want to find a way to charge huge fees for people to use their services and make their websites more noticeable or to download faster. On the other hand, I also believe in free enterprise and have an idea that there are a lot of people out there who truly do believe every corporation really is truly evil and has no place in the world. I believe that corporations, as a whole, are usually evil but I do know that they tend to have some caring and compassionate people working for them.

I also use the internet. I have a website. I try to sell my books on this thing. I certainly want to have the same chance as someone who has a ton of money and a major publisher behind him or her to market their books. I can currently delude myself into believing that the only reason I have not started a groundswell of support for my books is because I just haven’t spent enough time marketing and not because my website has anything wrong with it.

So, in the end, I guess I support the idea of Net Neutrality. I like the free-wheeling feel of the internet as it stands these days. In a lot of ways the internet is like the ole west. You have to be tough to walk the streets of the net. You have to be able and willing to defend yourself at a moment’s notice. Yes, I am being overly melodramatic but I also feel there is some truth to the idea. It is a true open marketplace. I have to wonder, though, are the big internet service providers really ganging up on the little guys? According to some websites there have been measures defeated in Congress to try to create that second pipeline. Of course, just because it was defeated in the U.S. what would stop some company from doing the same thing in another country?

If you have an interest in this you might want to check out www.savetheinternet.com. Of course, this is the site that is pro-neutrality and has that liberal spin to it. While I am a cynic I am also, generally speaking, liberal about a lot of things so my tendency is to take the liberal stance over the conservative one. I am also on record here many times talking about how heartless and soulless big companies are.

I think the internet should just sort itself out. Those who are determined and want to sick with it will, I think, eventually find some success. That bubble that burst in the 90s sorted out a lot of the useless junk and people who didn’t have a clear plan. I know because I worked for a large number of them at the time. In each case I entered an office full of hope and excitement but no clear idea of how to make money or how to move forward. So, what you had was a company running all over the country and spending thousands and thousands of dollars in travel expenses alone with no clear idea how more money was going to come in. I even worked for one company that had big ideas about stock options that ended up being worth a few pennies when things went sour.

Such things are destined to happen when you set out in a new frontier. The people who ran out into the west looking for gold most of the time came back empty-handed. Those who had an actual plan and did some research and had just a little bit of luck and determination usually found a way to make it. Maybe they didn’t find gold but they found out you could make a lot of money selling gold mining supplies to nuts looking for gold.

In short, I think internet neutrality is a good thing. You can send off an e-mail to your congress-persons on that website. It doesn’t take long to do. It’s nice to say hello to those people anyway. Sometimes they need a reminder of who they really look for. Of course, I am rather cynical about all of that anyway.

Bryan W. Alaspa’s novel Dust is available in print and eBook format on his website www.bryanalaspa.com and www.amazon.com.

Man’s Greatest Invention

2006-12-19T05:52:00.000-08:00

In all of the history of the world mankind has developed some truly fantastic inventions. Of course many people will talk about the wheel. Others will talk about the internal combustion engine. Arguments can be made that the telephone was an invention that truly changed the world or perhaps the Marconi Wireless which lead to radio. Of course radio lead to television and that is certainly an invention that has greatly changed the world. Finally, of course the computer has probably revolutionized the world more than anything else and the computer led to the invention of the Internet although we may have Al Gore to thank for that.

Throughout history there are minor inventions that I think we all take for granted that would make life so much more difficult if they hadn’t been invented. Look at the lowly ballpoint pen. What if we were still dipping quills into ink and writing that way? No one would ever be able to read a single thing I would write. I can barely make ballpoint pen writing legible. God forbid if I had to take calligraphy in school when I could barely pass handwriting. So, the ballpoint pen has to be a great invention when you consider it.

There are those who believe more recent inventions are such that people should not be allowed to live without them. I have boisterous disagreements with friends who think no one should live without a TiVo. Personally I cannot imagine having that much to do that I can’t watch a television show when it’s actually supposed to be on. Should I go sit out on the porch when “Heroes” is on just so I can watch it on TiVO later? Weren’t commercials made for flipping from one show to another? My father and I have mastered this art and we are quite proud of it, dammit. There are friends who also feel it is impossible to live without a GPS device. Of course considering how expensive the damn things on I’d rather just have an atlas or maybe hire a hooker to sit next to me with a map and to whisper directions sexily in my ear.

I have even been told by an old college friend of mine that he had a friend who once wrote a very funny essay about how the greatest invention of the modern time is the spatula. Quite honestly I don’t know what I would do without mine. Perhaps just reach into the hot pan and flip the meat over with my hands? I am guessing roasting and using a spit might be more popular in day-to-day life than frying things without the invention of the spatula.

However, none of those things are what I think are the greatest inventions of the modern century. My favorite thing falls under the medicinal field. Once again here is a field that has a lot of fans when they are looking for a great invention. Penicillin is probably up there with one of the greatest discoveries of all time. Personally I always thought it tasted like the most horrible thing in the world when I was forced to take the liquid version when I was a child. There are those who would argue for the polio vaccine being one of the greatest discoveries and inventions in the medicinal field. I cannot argue with that except to point to the possibility that experiments with that vaccine could have lead to the AIDS virus. Of course, I have yet to see absolute proof of that so, until that arrives, I cannot really argue with this being a great invention.

For me, though, the greatest invention of modern times comes in the form of a greenish liquid. You can take it like a shot in a bar and you can take it as a capsule. Regardless of how you take it this drug will knock you flat and make you feel like a million bucks more than any alcohol. I speak, of course, of NyQuil.

If you have a cold and do not take NyQuil I have to wonder about you. Of course you may also have to worry about drug interactions and heart conditions and such, but for me, I would do anything to take this stuff. You know what it’s like when you have the cold or flu. Just moving takes supreme effort. You can barely breathe. You cough so much the entire house seems to vibrate. Once sip of this stuff though it like a hammer blow to the head. The world begins to spin around. You can lay down and slip into a kind of coma and it lasts an entire eight hours. It tells you what it does and then it does it and it does it in a way that brings sleep and, to me, there is nothing better than sleep. I love sleep. If there was a job that required the person performing the job to sleep then I would be the greatest employee that company had ever seen.

NyQuil of course has DayQuil and that stuff is pretty good too. However, I tend to like things that are green rather than a bright orange. Also you have to take more of these capsules throughout the day than the ones you take at night. It brings beautiful, blissful sleep when you may have a difficult time getting any sleep.

I don’t drink until I get drunk. For example I have never been drunk. I have never been high. I have never taken anything illegal to alter my mood. The most I have gotten is a tad buzzed from too much wine. I have never had so much to drink I vomited. I never saw the need for it. I never had any use for it. I saw other people doing it and thought they looked like idiots and decided it wasn’t for me. The closest I get to being high or drunk is when I take NyQuil.

There has never been a cure for the cold. There really isn’t a cure for the flu. You can take flu shots, sure, but if you get the wrong virus compared to the flu shot you got then you can still end up with it. Viruses suck. The closest any of us can get is this wonder drug. It stops the coughing. It makes you sleepy. It puts you out like something an anesthesiologist might give you. It’s blissfully wonderful. It provides some of the deepest sleep you are likely to find.

I have never taken a drug like Ambien or one of those prescription sleep aides as they like to call them. Why should I when I can take this stuff over-the-counter and sleep like the dead. Sure it may take a little while to get going the next morning, but I don’t care.

So, you can have your computers and you can have your radios. You can have your wheels and spatulas. You can have your TiVos and your GPS devices. Just give me my NyQuil when I have a cold or the flu or just some problems getting to sleep and I am a happy man. I’d rather sleep than know an alternate route to the grocery store any day of the week and twice on Sunday.

Bryan W. Alaspa’s novel Dust is now available in print and eBook format at his website www.bryanalaspa.com and www.amazon.com. If you order now you still might be able to get a copy for someone for Christmas.

Athletes Behaving Badly

2006-12-18T06:10:00.000-08:00

Right now the city of Chicago is caught up in Bears-fever. People are somehow convinced that they will be playing in the Super Bowl in February. Of course, given the most-recent performance they will be lucky to be in the lead at any point during their first playoff game. Still, hope springs eternal, as they say. The thing is that the team is just a tad distracted. You see one of their key defensive players is a moron of galactic proportions.

Tank Johnson is a very big man. He is a big scary looking man and he is on the defense of the Bears. The defensive side of the team is the strong part of the team, or so they say. He is an intimidating man. Much like the character of Lenny from “Of Mice and Men” he is also apparently as dumb as a stump and that is quite and insult to a few stumps I have met in my time.

Mr. Johnson is already on probation for being caught outside a Chicago nightclub with his Ruger 9mm. Of course everyone knows that you cannot visit a Chicago nightclub without your 9mm automatic pistol. I mean, come on, if you don’t have one when you arrive at some of the more popular nightclubs around her they issue you one. Anyway, apparently the police don’t take to kindly to the idea of large, potentially violent men who may have been drinking walking around the streets with loaded pistols. So, Tank got himself arrested and he is currently on probation.

Tank got himself into trouble again back in February of this year by being at another nightclub and disrupting traffic with a limo he had hired. The genius then insulted police officers and got into a scuffle with them. The police ended up macing him.

This past Thursday morning the police in the northern suburb of Gurnee issues a warrant to search Tank’s home. Once again Tank was found possessing firearms without a license. In fact six misdemeanor counts of possession of a firearm without a license were issued against Tank. Why exactly this man feels the need to carry so many firearms is unclear. Like I said, he isn’t exactly a genius.

What happened next has to qualify Tank for the Moron Hall of Fame. Instead of staying home and learning from the fact that he and nightclubs do not mix he decided to go out to another nightclub. The details of what happened are not really clear. He got into some kind of trouble. Shots were fired. A man who is a close friend to Tank and his supposed bodyguard was killed in the shooting. Needless to say Tank was not in the game this past Sunday and most of Chicago is saying it’s time to cut their losses and let him go.

As of the end of the Tampa Bay and Chicago Bears game Bears coach Lovie Smith was reported as saying Tank was still part of the team. I predict this will last until sometime on Monday and then we shall see who is still on the Bears. Regardless of how I think they will do in the post-season the Bears are in the playoff hunt and the very last thing they need is such a distraction.

You have to wonder about football players. I wonder if maybe something akin to post-traumatic stress syndrome happens to them. They play a violent game and for three hours or more every week they are expected to pound the hell out of other men using their bare hands. It takes a certain type of person to do that and they are the type of persons who might be a little prone to violence. We just throw them back into civilization on Monday and expect them to be model citizens. Maybe that’s a tad unrealistic.

There is no excuse, however, for basketball players. The NBA is rapidly becoming about as safe to watch as a gangland shootout. A recent game between the New York Nicks and Denver Nuggets descended into chaos and fighting. Exactly why this happened isn’t clear. The New York Nicks pretty much suck like a Hoover vacuum cleaner. One of the players on the New York team grabbed one of the Nuggets around the neck and threw him to the ground. In hockey this would be acceptable. In basketball this is frowned upon.

However, before you knew it one of the Nuggets players came over and cold-cocked one of the New York players and then bravely backed up rapidly and ran away. You have to admire the sportsmanship in the NBA. What exactly happened to this particular sport? Michael Jordan may have had an issue with gambling and Scottie Pippen may have been a big baby at least more than once but they never ran around punching other people. Dennis Rodman may have, but the big guys didn’t. Now you never know when a fight is going to break out when you are watching and NBA game.

What is amazing is that the NFL players don’t get into fights on the field nearly as much. You see some pushing and shoving but rarely is there a fight that breaks out and clears both benches. I don’t know if this is because the refs are better in that particular sport and get them to stop faster than others or what. Maybe it’s the fact that about two minutes after the supposed violation or insult you get another chance to try and pound that other person into hamburger meat.

Then again you look at a sport like hockey where fighting is almost encouraged. People gleefully smash other player’s faces into the boards and glass. Blood can easily be found on most ice rinks. Yet they hardly ever seem to get into trouble outside of the rink. There have been exceptions, of course, you have to admit that that as a whole the hockey players are very well-behaved. They also tend not to get involved in shooting each other in the behinds with steroids. Of course, the trade-off is that they play in a sport that no one cares about except for a bunch of Canadians and my friend Scott.

There’s something wrong in sports. I don’t know if it’s the money and the fact that athletes seem to be getting younger or younger. I don’t know if it’s the type of people who get offered huge contracts. I don’t know if it’s the fact that these people get surrounded by sickening sycophants who cater to their every whim no matter how ridiculous. I just know that too many athletes seem to think it’s all right to treat everyone else like garbage, that it’s ok to resort to violence, and that you really need to be walking around carrying weapons.

I just know that Tank Johnson needs to get off of the Bears. He is a distraction they don’t need. He is also apparently unnecessary. Finally, apparently he is an idiot and really football has enough of those to go around. Yes, I am talking about you Terrell Owens.

Bryan W. Alaspa’s novel Dust is now available in print and eBook format at his website www.bryanalaspa.com and www.amazon.com. Once again, it would make a great Christmas present.

Closer than We Thought

2006-12-16T11:20:00.000-08:00

I was watching television not very long ago and I happened to stumble across the show “Primetime Live.” It’s tough to keep the news magazine shows separate, and I will acknowledge that. They all seem to tell the same stories with the same dramatic flair and they like to repeat the same stories over and over and over again. At this point if there is a creep looking for underage children on the internet and who gets invited anywhere and DOESN’T expect Christ Hansen to step out of the kitchen then that person not only deserved to be arrested and locked away forever for being a pervert but he deserves to be tackled by police and locked away from the light for being stupid.

This show was not about anything to do with the internet. You may have seen this story. It really made me think and it made me wonder. Of course, I also wondered for selfish reasons, but it also just made me curious. It studied a fairly common phrase among most people and that is the idea that every person is only “six degrees” away from anyone else.

You are probably aware of this idea even if you are not aware of the fact that it was a concept even before they applied it to the actor Kevin Bacon. The idea is that anyone in the world is six people away from you and if you just make a phone call to a friend that friend will, in turn, know someone else and that person will know someone else and, eventually, you will find yourself face-to-face with that person in only about six people.

On this particular episode they put it to the test. They found a man who is a boxer and lives in a very poor area of Brooklyn. They then found two people who lived on the upper-east and –west sides of New York and showed them a picture of the boxer. They gave a name and who he was and where he was and told them to go find him. The thing they could not do was just look up the gym where he worked out and call over there. They had to reach out, as the first step, to someone they already knew.

What was amazing to watch was that each of them reached out to someone they knew and took vastly different approaches to it but each of them managed to get to the boxer. The guy they found actually managed to get to the boxer in five steps and he got there first. The woman who owned a magazine in the Hamptons managed to make it in exactly six links but she managed to find an entirely different route.

It was pretty cool but then the idea came to the producers to try and reverse it. Sure, when you went to people who were relatively wealthy and moved in large circles of power and had potentially hundreds of acquaintances and contacts it might be relatively easy to find someone. The question was, is it easier to go downhill then to look back uphill. So, they gave the boxer a picture of a pretty young woman who is a dancer on Broadway and had just landed a part in a revival of “A Chorus Line” and told him to do the same thing. Now, how could a guy who lived in a poor part of town, had never been to a Broadway musical, and mostly knew other boxers find his way there? Surprisingly he did it and he did it pretty easily.

It really made me think. It turns out there is a university that has been doing a study on an even wider scale for some time now. They have people in the U.S. and other countries and assign them someone to find in Australia or other parts of the world. What the study has found is that even with an entire planet between the connections it was still possible to make the connection and do it, usually, in about six links. This study is done mostly through e-mails.

So, I had to wonder, if this is the case then it raises a few questions. For example, does that mean I am only six links away from talking face-to-face with Stephen King? The one man I would love to meet and talk with might only be six people away, if based upon this theory. However, wouldn’t it be vastly difficult to do? Wouldn’t I run into people in the publishing world who would not want to give up his name? Wouldn’t it be easier to do if I had a television camera crew and producers who would let Mr. King know that some nut-job in Chicago who fancied himself a writer was going to see if he could get to him? I am thinking doing the search through a television show may make things a little bit easier than trying to do this on your own. Everyone wants to be on television, right?

If everyone around the world is really only six links away from everyone else then why is it so damn hard to find Osama? Couldn’t Bush actually do it himself? Given this theory shouldn’t he be able to pick up a phone and make a call? Aren’t the rest of Osama’s family rather wealthy oil-type people who actually hang out in fancy rich circles and attend school here in the U.S.? Seems to me the CIA should be picking up a phone call and making a few phone calls. A boxer found a dancer so a CIA guy should be able to find a guy in a cave, I think.

Technically, would we even need a CIA? What about an FBI? Why was it so darn hard to find the Unabomber? Maybe the whole thing is that people still feel like they are isolated and alone and don’t realize that they may be closer to that guy across the street or that pretty woman standing on the corner than they actually realized. Maybe it’s an idea whose time as come and maybe, just maybe, the entire theory needs to be looked at and a major change in the way we think should take place. If we really are that close to each other, maybe the things you do and say have more of an effect than you realize. Turns out that you may be closer to that person standing next to you than you realize. Maybe that means you shouldn’t be so rude to that person when standing in line to by your venti whatever.

The planet, relatively speaking, is a very large object. In the vast scheme of the universe, it’s actually really tiny. While you may believe in a god or God or deity the fact is, down here, every day, we are on our own to get through it. That means we should start finding a way to rely on each other more. Maybe people need to realize they are not just in this for themselves but that what they do has a potential ripple effect that could touch all of us.

Then again, I am supposed to be a cynic and this whole article is starting to sound very optimistic. It must be the Christmas music or something.

Bryan W. Alaspa’s novel Dust is available in print and eBook format on his website www.bryanalaspa.com and www.amazon.com. Buy it and encourage a friend to do so.

Holiday versus Christmas

2006-12-15T07:43:00.000-08:00

Some of you may remember the historic battle that took place this time last year. Well, if you believed the wackos out there like Billy-boy O’Reilly and other whack-a-moles who were trying to convince the world there was this “Assault on Christmas.” Yes, it was a historic battle, on par with the Battle of Britain or the Battle of Midway or Gettysburg. I am happy to say that major combat operations over Christmas have come to an end and the holiday appears to have survived intact and better than ever. I would have parachuted onto an aircraft carrier had I been able to find one parked outside of my apartment building but, strangely enough, there weren’t any.

Of course, although people like O’Reilly and others were extremely misguided (there was no assault on anything) some of the points they made were sort of accurate. While I doubt there was any organized attempt to eliminate Christmas the fact is that it is rather silly to try and eliminate the word because it is too “Christian” and replace it with the more-generic “Happy Holidays.” You see, Christmas may have been entirely co-opted by Christianity but, in case you hadn’t heard, the entire holiday was a pagan holiday. It was quite a popular holiday and the Christians were standing around trying to figure out how to get people to stop dancing nude and praying to trees with lights on it, or whatever those pagans were doing (and really, what good is a pagan ritual if it doesn’t contain nudity?) and they were having trouble doing so. It must be hard to sell a religion that essentially first comes across with the message, “yes, whatever it is you are doing, it’s all wrong.”

So, those early Christians just thought and thought and thought much like Winnie the Pooh in that one story and they came up with the solution. They would just take the holiday almost entirely as it was and glom Christian bits all over it. They concocted convoluted Christian meanings to Christmas trees, for example. They completely changed the accepted time when Jesus was born and put it smack down at the end of December and acted as if it had been there all along. Then they changed the time when the wise-men and others showed up and, voila, you now had to have a manger scene in addition to your Christmas tree and they topped it all off with a angel. It wasn’t until much, much later that someone decided the angel should also have electronic flapping wings and sing but had the early Christians had electricity and motors available to them at the time they might have included that in their original plans as well.

Over the years, of course, commercialism has pretty much neutered Christmas and whatever religious message, pagan or otherwise, that may have been there at all. Now the religion connected with Christmas is consumerism and their message seems to be, “whatever you are doing is fine as long as you pay me.” You can see why this might be a slightly more popular belief for people to hang their hats on. So, the word “Christmas” may have the name “Christ” in it but, essentially, it has been sucked of all meaning regarding that.

To be honest, in my opinion, if you are a Christian the holiday that should really mean more to you than this one would be Easter. Christmas is supposed to be about the birth of a baby. While that is certainly a great event, had the man not died and rose again, as is believed by Christians, then he would have just been another baby born amongst farm animals. So, as far as faith and doctrine go, if you buy into this particular one, then the Easter holiday has to be a little bit more important. However, it seems to me, that most Christians tend to hide eggs for some reason and then sit around and eat ham on that holiday. Perhaps the true commercial value of that holiday has yet to be seen by those who believe in consumerism.

Of course the main root of this entire controversy is the ridiculous notion that we all need to bend over backward, turning ourselves into large Os, to be nice to everyone. This is an insane notion and should be disposed of entirely. It’s impossible. If you say Merry Christmas to someone and they happen to be Jewish or Muslim or believe in a religion about little men living in light bulbs and they take offense, it should be THEY who are at fault and not you. Once again, Merry Christmas essentially means “happy shopping” in this day and age so why should it offend anyone just because they are busy kneeling down in front of light bulbs.

I experienced this myself not that long ago. I wrote an article about how celebrities were acting a little crazy. I happened to mention the rapper Kanye West. I was talking about how he seemed normal at first and, when compared to others who were about when Kanye first appeared, he might have seemed like a good guy to support. However, I used the universally known and accepted term, that comes from the horse-racing community, that it seemed like people may have “backed the wrong horse.” A day later I got a message from someone saying that “comparing African Americans to horses was racist.”

First off, I was not comparing anyone to anything. A comparison, by definition, must compare two things. I did not say, hey, that Kanye sure looks like a horse. Now, THAT would be a comparison. Second, I hadn’t even mentioned, at any point, throughout the entire article, the race and color of the people I was talking about. You see, to me it didn’t matter. The color wasn’t important, just the actions of the person. What animal comparisons cannot be made? What’s so insulting about horses? I WISH someone would compare me, especially certain parts of my anatomy, to that of a horse. I think horses are rather beautiful, powerful, majestic animals. When it comes to the animal community horses have to rank right up there with a cool animal to be compared to.

So, it is very easy, indeed, to accidentally insult someone these days. The fact is most of the world is just too sensitive. Parts of the world are more willing to kill you because they perceive some sort of insult than actually just shrug things off. They then have the nerve to accuse the other people of being too violent or for criticizing them for being violent.

So, please, enjoy the holiday season. Say Merry Christmas to everyone. Enjoy your shopping. Good lucking finding parking. Better luck finding that Elmo doll. Hopefully we can all forget about assaulting Christmas and turn our attention toward attacking more worthwhile holidays like Arbor Day.

Bryan W. Alaspa’s novel Dust is now available in print and eBook format at his website www.bryanalaspa.com and www.amazon.com. He would like to point out it would make a FABULOUS holiday gift regardless of religion or beliefs.

The Question of Christmas Gifts

2006-12-14T07:26:00.000-08:00

If you believe the commercials and ads running these days every single thing that a company sells would make an excellent Christmas present. As for me, I am giving out my equivalent of a homemade gift. I am giving what I am calling special editions of a novel I hope to sell to a publisher. To those of you who are my family and not aware of what I am giving you, I apologize in advance. I have this delusion that eventually, when I do become a hugely successful writer, the special editions will be worth a lot of money. Yes, I stole this idea from Stephen King.

If you watch Martha Stewart at all you know that whatever you are giving, no matter how expensive, it really isn’t worth a pile of wet snot compared to the thoughtful, time-consuming, ridiculously complicated things she wants you to make for people. I saw something on television with Die Stewart-frauen and she was making homemade pillows. Who the hell makes homemade pillows? If you have enough time to make homemade pillows for everyone on your Christmas list you need to go out and start volunteering or start a dog-walking business or something before you start paper-mache-ing things or dipping candles.

There are a lot of gifts that various advertising people are trying to convince you that you should buy for your friends and relatives that should never ever be bought without serious consideration of the ramifications. For example: lottery tickets. You hear the commercials and see them on television, perhaps, as I do. I don’t know what kind of lottery your state has but I am betting whatever is there you see some kind of equivalent of these lottery commercials they run now. These commercials always show some guy frantically trying to figure out what to buy his wife. He is shopping last minute and everything is closed. What on earth can he do? Why buy a bunch of $1 scratch-off lottery tickets, of course!

To those of you who might still be laboring under the delusion that buying lottery tickets for your spouse or girlfriend is a good idea let me dispel those beliefs for you. They are terrible gifts. They suck. In the commercials, because they have writers writing them, each of those tickets ends up being a winner. In real life you are more than likely to end up winning another lottery ticket or, perhaps, a dollar. Unless you buy a lot of lottery tickets and use them to stick all over a large white box and inside that box is something very expensive and in the same class as jewelry if you are walking into your house on Christmas with nothing for your life but lottery tickets you should expect to be sleeping on the couch. Also, you should expect to be sleeping there for a very, very, very, VERY long time.

There is another branch of gift-giving that is somewhat endearing in its persistence that it is a good thing to give out to people you love and that would be the fast-food industry. Is there anyone in your life who would really like to receive a gift certificate for some kind of heart-clogging, heart-attack-inducing fast food thing? I remember getting McDonald’s gift certificates when I was a kid and thinking it was all right but hardly fun to play with. I also remember their commercials that they would run during this time of year and everyone would be smiling and acting like an idiot when they pulled out a piece of paper entitling them to a cheeseburger.

Once again if you were laboring under the delusion that someone you love and who means something to you would prefer to receive one of these rather than something else, anything else, then let me dispel those ideas right now. No one wants to receive a gift certificate for food. Some people seem to think that gift cards or certificates are impersonal. Not me. I love them. I like taking the time to buy my own things rather than risk ending up with something I will not like and I think it is considerate of someone to think of me that way. However, it would be galactically rude for someone to buy me a certificate for food! Fast food!

The beer companies have joined the fray over the past few years. I think that this year the commercials I have heard at least suggest the idea that it might be best to buy beer for people who are throwing a holiday party. To me, that makes sense. It is polite to bring something when you are invited to someone’s home for a party. However, I really doubt anyone in your family would like beer for the holidays. As much as Budweiser would like to believe that there are scores of people out there buying cases of Bud for consumption on Christmas day I am doubting this is a gift that will make anyone’s face light up. I would like to, for the record, separate the idea of buying someone a six-pack from signing someone up to some mail-delivered micro-brewery service for a year. At least that would be unique and interesting. Going down to the liquor store for a six-pack of Miller High Life, on the other hand, is not cool. Of course you can probably also buy your lottery tickets there so if you are already going down this route you might as well go the rest of the way and pick up a handful of those as well.

I understand how hard it can be to buy people gifts. It is exhausting. Right now there are probably thousands of husbands wandering aimlessly through malls. They are the ones who look pale and haggard. Their jackets are hanging open much like their mouths and they are probably wearing some kind of stocking cap on their hands. They shuffle aimlessly, look dreadfully pale and, in all senses, look very much like a zombie out of a George A. Romero movie. Many of them probably cling to the hopes that they can stop at a 7-Eleven on the way home and pick up a few lottery tickets and a few air fresheners and that will due. These are the ones clinging to one last shred of sanity.

A while ago I discovered that the internet was a great place to shop. You can stay home. You don’t even need to be dressed. You don’t have to hunt for parking spaces. You don’t have to fight off the crowds of people who are rioting near the toy store for a scrap of some sort of Elmo-shaped doll that does something like pass wind as it laughs. You can have everything delivered at your home and some of the places even wrap the stuff for you and stick on a name tag. For those of you unaware, the internet is actually full of more things that just porn.

Of course you can actually make some homemade gifts. These are very thoughtful and, really, should mean a lot more than anything store-bought. It takes time and effort and thought. If you are like me, it will also leave you weeping with glue on your fingers and wanting to stab yourself with a pair of scissors. Merry Christmas.

Bryan W. Alaspa’s novel Dust is now available in print and eBook format at his website www.bryanalaspa.com and www.amazon.com. It would make an EXCELLENT Christmas gift for the reader in your family.

The Parent License

2006-12-13T06:56:00.000-08:00

I am not a parent. This is probably regarded by the universe as a good thing, I would wager. I am depressingly single and my marriage ended rather badly and it was probably a good thing we never had kids. I am starting to think that too many people are having kids because they think they should instead of actually wanting to and I think this is a bad thing. Now, saying in that fashion probably makes it a sentence and an idea that you would agree with as well. It is a little bit like saying you are against child abuse. Sure, everyone is, but actually finding ways to stop it involves more work and invasions of privacy that make it less than feasible.

I was perusing the news and looking for a topic and discovered a story about a husband and wife with a one-year-old daughter. This is something you see a lot of, of course, but that is not the end of the story. No, the problem here was that they also thought it would be a bright idea to have a pit bull puppy in the same house or apartment or general location as the one-year-old. What seems to have happened was that in the middle of the night the pit bull puppy thought it would be a good idea to nibble off four of the baby’s toes. What is even more amazing is that the parents slept through the cries of their daughter until sometime toward morning.

There are many things wrong with this story. The first would be that this particular couple evidently thought they were intelligent enough to breed. Of course it may just be likely that whatever contraceptive either didn’t work or broke. On the other hand, judging by their other actions, they may just be stupid.

The second problem they had was deciding to have a pit bull as a pet. I will never understand this decision. I also realize that by stating that I am opening myself up to a deluge of e-mails from people who all have great pit bulls as pets who can solve crossword puzzles and rescue kittens and are currently working on cures for cancer. However, it seems to me that a breed that was bred to be mean and vicious just isn’t something you can have as a pet. No matter how much you love it and take care of it the thing is always going to have that wild animal buried inside its brain somewhere. This is very much like those idiots who think it’s possible to have pet tigers or jaguars or cobras or giant poison needle monsters as pets. These are the same idiots who then act surprised when the animal reverts to its natural tendencies and bites them or tries to kill them.

I love dogs. I have a dog. I think every kid should have a dog. However, there are plenty of great breeds of dog out there. There are golden retrievers who have long histories of being great family pets and can be trained to be great guard dogs but rarely are seen nibbling on anyone’s toes. I have met many a rottweiler and though they look mean and nasty they have always been the gentlest of dogs. Every time I have run across a pit bull it has been a mean-looking dog who appears as though it is looking at me as though it is trying to figure out which part of me might be the tenderest and most-tasty.

Of course if you have a dog you should always be careful about what you do with an infant around it. Some of the older dogs get jealous when this new noisy pink thing is getting all of the attention it used to get. Some dogs don’t take too kindly to that. As much as we like to think our dogs are family members and really just overly-furry people they are, in fact, animals and they have, in fact, animal instincts. So, in the animal world when something comes long that threatens you in any way you just kill it and move on.

Too many people I run into seem to think that as soon as you get married you should start spewing children into the world. It’s like as soon as the ceremony is over you should start throwing away whatever contraception that may have been used and the ovaries should start being used for their intended purposes and it’s time to let the little sperm out of the gate to party. Too many people seem to think that a marriage license is also some kind of license that says they should and will be parents. It’s like they just graduated from couples school or something and got their diploma.

I have been told many times that you are never fully prepared to have children. That no matter what you do you can never really be ready for taking care of a human life. I agree with that. However, I do feel there are certain things you should take into consideration. One of the key ones would be do you have the financial resources to provide even the most basic resources for a child. Do you have the resources to provide them with food? Do you have the resources to put a roof over their heads? Will you all be eating dirt two weeks after returning from the hospital? If your answers to those questions is no, no and yes then you might want to consider NOT having children. I wouldn’t suggest you even get a pet, really because they can use those things as well.

Of course sometimes accidents happen. I understand that. I have a very good friend who got pregnant when she was very young. However, she had something that I fear too many young people who have children do not have. She had intelligence. She knew that it would be tough. She knew that much of her teenage life was over. She was willing to buck up and work hard and do what needed to be done to provide for her child. She has done so and she has come through that trial better for it. Sadly, she is the exception that proves the rule.

I have seen far too many mothers who seem to think that having a baby is like going out and getting a goldfish. They figure they will just need to change the diapers and burp them and make cooing noises at them and eventually they will grow up to be great people. You see some of these folks at the department stores. They are the ones who are talking to friends and looking at candle sets while their child is removing large pieces of metal from the shelving units and using them to bash in the television sets. These are the same parents who then think the appropriate response is to half-way look over their shoulders and shout the child’s name. This generally causes the child to stop the destruction for exactly one tenth of a second and then to start smashing the DVD players.

I think there ought to be some kind of parent’s license. Maybe you could spend some time at the parent license equivalent of the DMV. That alone may cause most people think twice before trying to have kids.

Bryan W. Alaspa’s novel Dust is now available in print and eBook versions at www.bryanalaspa.com and www.amazon.com.

A New Hope

2006-12-12T06:56:00.000-08:00

I like to think of myself as being relatively up on what is going on in politics. I have to admit to actually enjoying watching politics from afar. I prefer to watch from afar rather than getting too involved much the way you don’t really mind watching a traffic accident as long as the on-rushing truck isn’t about to hit you or someone you love. Politics seems like a needlessly messy and nasty place to be involved in. For me, much of my naïveté about politics was once and for all destroyed with the election of Rod Blagojevich as governor of Illinois.

For those of you who do not live in Illinois you may not understand just how generally corrupt this state it. I think it emanates from Chicago and just filters into the rest of the political system throughout the state even though the capital is, technically speaking, in Springfield which is somewhere in the middle of the state. The interesting thing to keep in mind about Springfield is that it is a city that seems to have more strip clubs, and therefore strippers, than actual residents.

Anyway, a few years back we had this Republican governor by the name of George Ryan. Mr. Ryan is now heading off to prison because he was so absolutely corrupt even people used to corruption finally put up a hand and said “whoa!” This guy who ran was young and seemed to be full of ideas that sounded great and talked about cleaning up the governor’s office and, for some reason, I bought into it like a bass will buy into that shiny thing floating in the water. I actually voted for the guy.

Turns out he is just as corrupt as Ryan, allegedly. He is still in office and no official charges have been filed against him, but the accusations of patronage and bribery and corruption have been fling at Blago and his people for some time now. Despite his efforts to, for some reason, put books into every child’s home he is still getting no respect. Rod loves to do stuff for kids. Why? Because it is very hard to come out and say your are against something that is for kids. It makes you seem like a monster. You want to bury children in mountains of books even though statistics show that just because a book is in some kid’s home doesn’t mean he or she is more likely to read? Well you go ahead. You’re not going to get me to declare I prefer illiterate and stupid kids.

However, I have once again begun to believe in a politician. Of course I am referring to Illinois Senator Barack Obama. This is a young guy who came out of nowhere during the last round of senatorial elections and, basically, became some kind of political rock star. He completely brought the house down at the Democratic National Convention that time around. Suddenly he is everywhere. He appears to be young, smart and full of ideas. The comparisons to Bobby Kennedy have already been flying. He seems to be tapping into whatever cosmic force the Kennedy’s tapped into despite the fact their family history involved corruption and bootlegging. Maybe it has something to do with having a young face and decent features, I’m not sure.

The popularity of Mr. Obama is such that people are starting to pressure him to run for President in 2008. He is creating a stir everywhere he goes. Other Democratic candidates are starting to cross their arms over their chests and tap their feet. Hilary Clinton smiles at the guy but you just know she is saying horrible things about him behind the scenes. It’s hard not to get caught up in the whole idea that this guy could breeze into the White House and make everything all right again.

However, I am starting to think Mr. Obama should wait. The first reason I think this is for purely selfish ones. He is an Illinois senator. I would kind of like him to stay in the senate for a few more years doing good things for me and my state. I think he may need to build up a bit of a history doing good. Even Bobby Kennedy had built up a history of championing equality and chasing after corruption and facing off against Jimmy Hoffa before he ran. He even served under his brother and was there by his brother’s side during the Cuban Missile Crisis. Now those are some impressive credentials. As great as Obama may seem right now all he really has under his belt is an impressive speech. This seems to me to underscore that he can hire impressive speech writers.

Secondly this is supposed to be the time for Hilary Clinton to run. I am not a big Hilary fan, don’t get me wrong, but I do think maybe it’s time for a serious campaign to be mounted by a woman with an actual chance. I have my doubts she can win but you just never know. Somehow Barack running when this should be a great step forward (or backward, depending on your view) for the women’s movement just seems like the wrong move to make. It would be like deliberately stealing the thunder from Mrs. Clinton.

Thirdly it seems like a good bet that Rudy Guiliani is going to run this time around. I honestly can’t imagine a mayor making it as a president but he seems to have this groundswell of support. He also gained national fame due to his toughness and ability to handle things during the 9/11 crisis. I think this may cut through his New York-ness and make him appealing to the conservatives in the south who want someone tough who can at least talk tough about terrorism. That kind of thinking won the last election and it could win this one. I think Barack should run when he stands the best chance of winning and too many people run once, find out it’s hard and then never run again. I guess that sounds like a wimpy statement but I can’t shake the feeling even Obama may not be able to overcome a Rudy campaign.

No, I think Mr. Obama should sit back and watch how this one shakes out. If Guilliani wins and Hilary is sent back to her hole in defeat then he can step in and take control of the reigns of the Democratic Party. In the meantime he can use this time to champion some causes, create a history for himself and do some great things for his constituents. It is tempting to want him to achieve greatness right away but some things need to be nurtured and allowed to grow.

On the other hand, what the hell do I really know about politics? I once predicted that there was no way we would ever enter a war with Iraq and this was back during Gulf War I. Turns out I cannot predict politics very well and, despite enjoying watching politics, don’t know much about it. This probably means I am perfect for public office.

Bryan W. Alaspa’s novel Dust is now available in print and eBook format at his website www.bryanalaspa.com and www.amazon.com.

Low-Tech Movies for You to See

2006-12-11T06:20:00.000-08:00

I am a movie snob. I have a degree that gives me permission to be this way. Considering the tremendous amount of money my parents forked over to the university I went to so I could earn that piece of paper I think that truly entitles me to the right to be a movie snob. It wasn’t my actual major but my minor and it technically is called Film Theory and Criticism.

The great thing about getting this minor is that you spend a lot of time watching movies. The other great thing is that you got to watch a lot of older movies. Older movies are things a lot of people don’t think about these days. I know some people who don’t even want to consider looking at a movie that isn’t in color. It’s like there is an entire generation who thinks the history of movies started with “The Godfather” and then advanced from there. Good lord, it would be unthinkable to consider watching a movie that’s in black and white.

The problem with that line of thinking is the tremendous amount of great movies that are not being watched by large generations of people. Of course, watching something in black and white and older than 1970 seems counter-intuitive to modern home film watchers. The problem is that the modern home watchers all have these high-tech fancy crystal-clear DVD machines with state-of-the-art sound. The fact that older black and white movies are often a tad blurry or indistinct means that most don’t want to consider watching them. I think this is wrong.

So, get out that Netflix list and start jotting. I am going to shock and amaze you. Ok, really, I am just making another list, but it sounds so much better to suggest I am going to shock and amaze you. In fact, I am going to suggest that you go back further than the 1940s for movies. In fact, I am going to suggest you go back to the beginning of cinema. Yes, I am suggesting you find some titles that are so low-tech that they don’t even have sound.

The silent film era is really not understood by a lot of modern movie-watchers. The mere idea of reading anything is anathema to most of them. The fact that so many were willing to read subtitles about Jesus still amazes me. However it is amazing to look at film when it was still going through some growing pains. It is amazing to watch movies that use emotion and the lack of dialogue and still tell a story with mood and images. Movies should be about images anyway, really. It is a visual medium.

Some of the best uses of silent film fall into two genres: horror and comedy. When it comes to horror you can’t go wrong with mood and images. “Nosferatu” was directed by F.W. Murnau and released in 1922. It was a very loose adaptation of Bram Stoker’s Dracula. However, it was close enough that Broker’s relatives sued the filmmakers over it. Still, how effective is this movie? How scary is actor Max Schreck as the vampire? So scary that when they made Stephen King’s “Salems ‘Lot” into a television movie they made the chief vampire look like the vampire in this movie. The special effects are cheesy but they add something to the creepiness of the movie. The weirdness of the film run backward gives the whole movie a sense of unrealness.

“The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari” is considered by many to be the first true horror film. It uses a term that became known as expressionism to great effect. Buildings branch off at crazy angles. The movie deals with madness. This movie uses darkness and shadow to tell the tale of a kidnapping, a sleep-walker and one of cinemas first mad scientists.

When it comes to silent film comedy a lot of people will steer you towards Charlie Chaplin. This is all right. I have seen a lot of Charlie’s work and he’s funny. However, if you want to see where Jackie Chan got his inspiration and you want to see some movie stunts that will make you gasp and some gags that will truly make you laugh until you hurt then you have to go with Buster Keaton. He is often referred to as “Old Stone Face” but that isn’t entirely true. He does show emotion but somehow he manages to keep that face pretty serene in even the most ridiculous situations. For my money you can’t got wrong with “Steamboat Bill, Jr.” and the tornado scene. You also should watch “The General” which many consider to be one of the greatest films of all time. Also, catch one of his later works “The Cameraman.” There are scenes in that movie that had me rolling in the theater I was watching it in.

Finally, when it comes to silent films I recommend a movie that will surprise many. It is called “Sunrise” and it is probably the finest silent movie that ever was, in my opinion. It’s, of all things, a love story. Yes, I know, I said it was a love story. It tells the tale of a marriage, temptation and redemption. When I was told what this movie was and what it was about I was not looking forward to it. I am not a love story guy. We were going to see a special showing of it at a theater on campus. As the movie started, complete with a live piano, I found myself completely taken up in it. I found myself edging forward on my seat. I was amazed. It touched me. It was moving.

When it comes to silent film you also can’t go wrong with Fritz Lang’s “Metropolis.” The movie took two years to film and was the most-expensive of its day. Sadly, it is also reported to be one of Hitler’s favorite films. Lang went on to make sound films and the movie that falls into the “must-see” category is his serial killer movie “M.” You must see this movie. Yes, it’s in German but you will never look at the actor Peter Lorre the same way again. You will also be shocked at a movie that old dealing with a child serial killer. There is no music in this movie save for the creepy whistling of the killer. Lorre’s tortured performance will do a truly remarkable thing – feel for the monster. Seeing him on his knees screaming “I can’t help myself!” is movie-making magic at its best.

Once you start getting into sound the usual suspects in black and white start to emerge. Too many critics have hyped “Citizen Kane” to the point where it cannot possibly live up to expectations. I happen to love the movie but, as I said, I am a movie snob. It should be seen for movie historical purposes. It is an amazing character study as well as a commentary on money, power and the media.

Finally, I am suggesting you get a health dose of Humphrey Bogart. For my tastes “The Maltese Falcon” may be the best black and white detective movie ever. “Casablanca” is another movie that suffers from too much hype but it’s a movie that is tense, funny, moving and strangely touching. It really should be seen if you haven’t.

There is much more I haven’t seen. That’s the great thing about movies. They have been in existence for a long time now. That means there are a lot of movies to watch. I hope you get a chance to see the ones I suggested. Happy viewing.

Bryan W. Alaspa’s latest novel Dust is available in print and eBook format at his website www.bryanalaspa.com and www.amazon.com.

The Urge to Sue

2006-12-09T11:11:00.000-08:00

I know this is something that has been said before but we definitely live in a litigious society. For those of you who may not be following what I am talking about I mean that we love to sue people in this country. I am guessing that it could be something you find around the world but considering the chief product and export of the United States these days is lawyers I am guessing we do it more here than anywhere else. I mean, really, there are so many lawyers right now that I could probably call one up and ask one who they would like to sue and that lawyer would probably love to come up with a case.

The major problem of this phenomenon is that people want money. Lawyers want to get huge settlements or win huge judgments so they can take huge fees and buy cars and bigger offices. People in general love the idea of getting money for free. Of course businesses somewhere along the way started making the mistake of just settling cases out of court to make them go away instead of fighting them. I don’t really know if that saves money or not.

I saw this kind of thing happen first-hand once. I used to take a bus to work. The place I worked was just down the street I lived on but not close enough that I could walk. As such it was a straight shot by bus. I was taking that same bus back home one night when the bus tried to get around a taxi that had pulled over about three inches and was now double-parked on the road. This wasn’t so bad but the idiot in the cab was a problem and this idiot opened the door right into the bus. There was no possible way the bus driver could avoid this. The moron in the cab didn’t open the door in front of the bus, but opened the door as the bus was passing, right into the side of the bus. The bus itself, being a rather large vehicle and very heavy and made mostly of metal, barely moved as the door collided with the side of the bus. Instead what we heard was a hideous shrieking and scraping sound.

Before anyone of us knew what was happening the driver was up and out of the bus to talk to the taxi cab driver. He came back into the bus and asked if anyone on the bus was hurt. Well, as I mentioned, the bus itself hadn’t moved so we were just fine. Everyone said they were fine. I think some people up toward the front weren’t even sure what had happened and were completely confused. Questions began flying around. I happened to have had a great view of the whole incident so I said it looked like the cab door had opened right into the side of the bus.

Before too long the driver came back in and handed out forms for all of us to fill out. He then asked again if anyone was hurt. I sat there with an open mouth as a man who was sitting right behind the driver and who had originally had no idea what had happened began to rub his neck and act as if he suddenly had whiplash. Again, without there being an impact to throw a person forward and then back it would be hard to have whiplash but this guy was putting on quite an act.

I don’t know whatever happened to that guy. I have often wondered if he did attempt to file some kind of lawsuit. I wonder if he filled out a form and said that he was injured. I wonder if someone had settled out of court and this moron got any money for having a neck-ache in an accident that could only have produced one if you whirled around to see where the scraping sound was coming from too fast.

I was thinking about this while reading about Sasha Baron Cohen and his potential legal trouble. For those of you not familiar with Cohen’s name you may know him better as Ali G. or Borat. You see he went and made this movie about his character Borat where he and the filmmakers pretended he was an actual foreign journalist doing an actual foreign report for some foreign news agency. What he then did was ask some strange questions and get people to let their guard down and make a lot of people look rather foolish. Now several of them are suing.

I have to wonder that if this movie had bombed and disappeared from theaters almost as quickly as it arrived if these people would have bothered. The movie went on to gross enough money that I am betting Cohen wouldn’t have to work again for the rest of his life if he didn’t want to. As those weekend totals from the movie were scrolled across the screens of America’s televisions every Monday I wonder how many dollar signs began to appear in the eyes of the people who were embarrassed.

Sure, they were embarrassed. That was the whole point. My point would be that you shouldn’t say stupid and racist things in front of a camera and I don’t care who the camera is supposed to belong to. Is it all right to be anti-Semitic and racist and homophobic just because you think the thing being filmed is only going to run in some foreign country? How about you shut up and realize you are being filmed and don’t act like an idiot. Just a thought.

I have been embarrassed many times in my life. My brain likes to remind me of those times at the most inopportune moments. I will be sitting somewhere enjoying myself and suddenly my brain will try to remind of the time when I was in first grade and had to pee so bad that I only made it to the door of the classroom before my bladder let go. Nothing spoils your good mood like a good wetting your pants memory. I don’t like to relive those things. I try very hard to repress them and then build very strong walls around them.

I can’t understand why these folks would want to call attention to their embarrassment. By bringing a lawsuit you are setting up a scenario where your moment of embarrassment is likely to be shown again and again on entertainment news shows until the suit is settled or decided. So really you have to think that these people were really not all that injured. If you are injured you don’t want to injure yourself over and over again unless you are a masochist and, if you are, more power to you.

It would seem to me that these people are probably just greedy. Like the guy rubbing his neck they really aren’t hurt or injured. They are hoping the movie studio has a lot of insurance and a deep willingness to fork over a lot of money to make this all go away very quickly. Just when you think you are being too cynical about humanity you find out that you can never been cynical enough.

Bryan W. Alaspa’s novel Dust is available in print and eBook format at his website www.bryanalaspa.com and www.amazon.com.

The Starbuck-izing of America

2006-12-08T07:55:00.000-08:00

I was thinking about the coffee chain Starbucks today. I was doing this while standing in line to order my “tall” coffee which is always greeted with a strange kind of disappointment by the baristas. They want me to come up with some convoluted concoction that they had to go to school to learn how to make. What talents and dazzling skill does it take to simply grab a cup and turn a knob and poor coffee into a cup? Not very much.

Anyway, I was thinking about the general homogenization of America. I was keeping it to this country although, I guess, when you think about it enough companies are all over the world that the entire world has become homogenized. What I mean by homogenized is that everything is pretty much the same no matter what city you go to. This is never more evident, at least to me, than when you walk into a Starbucks.

Personally, I find it somewhat comforting. I recently had two friends come in from out of town. While my friend’s wife was actually doing work it was up to me to entertain the husband. I certainly didn’t mind. I got to show off Chicago which I absolutely love to do. While we were walking around we stopped into some local coffee shop. My friend is a true coffee addict. I will also give him his “props” by saying he also makes a fantastic cup himself. We tried a local place and his reaction to the liquid inside the cup was akin to the look you could get if someone handed you a cup of rancid milk. Given the language he uses to order the drinks he wants, he could be asking for rancid milk for all I know. We promptly disposed of the concoction from the local joint and found the nearest Starbucks. Fortunately there is one ever two and a half feet so it wasn’t too hard to find.

The thing about it is that each Starbucks operation has the same drinks and the same stuff no matter where you go. Each employee is trained to prepare the drinks using the language that has now become common within the American language. My friend, the addict, can walk into any Starbucks anywhere and ask for his venti, yabba dabba do, ipso facto, dingo, flatso, zipidee doo dah, flangie whopper with extra soy sauce or whatever the hell he gets and it will come out the exact same way every time. To some people this is a bad thing, to me, this is a comforting thing.

I hear a lot of people complain about this. They say that the local flavor of communities and towns and cities are disappearing. They say that the things that made each community and city and town unique are vanishing and everything is becoming the same. They talk about this like it’s a bad thing. Of course, I have no idea who “they” are exactly but you hear some people talking about this. Maybe, since it is happening at a faster rate than ever, it isn’t a complaint as much as it used to be but you still hear some people lamenting this fact. I am not one of them.

I am the first to admit I am a homebody. I like my home. I have lived here most of my life. I am comfortable with my city and my neighborhood and the people around here and the streets. I know where to go to get a decent meal and a decent cup of coffee. When I go to another place everything is very hit or miss. You have no idea what you could end up with. If you try hard enough, look up the information, search the phone books and ask the right people you can still find that local flavor. However, you can never be sure about it. What if the cook that everyone in town really likes is off that night? It’s nice to know that some food is the same no matter what or where you are.

I heard a lot of people complain about this sort of thing when strip malls and malls in general started sprouting up like weeds all over the place. Yes, I agree there are some things that are lost with that. I like the small book and independent bookstores, for example, than always going to a Borders or a Barnes and Noble. However, even though I like to do that, it’s still nice to come across one of those big-chain stores and know what you can find in there.

As I mentioned, you can still find the local flavor. The great thing about those big chain stores is that they are also adaptable. You can find some local flavor within those stores. If you want you can find the accents or the little touches to the décor. My friend was surprised to see that the Starbucks stores up here have breakfast sandwiches now. Apparently in St. Louis they haven’t started doing that yet.

Granted the Starbucks here are not selling Chicago-style hot dogs. However, you don’t have to go too far to find one. You can pick up your Starbucks moopie, snoopy, slippy, dippy, mocha, cinco de mayo with soy milk and then walk about two blocks to pick up your Chicago-style hot dog, hold the peppers. Local flavor can co-exist with the mass-produced stuff and it can do so successfully.

The thing that is also interesting is how Starbucks has so permeated our culture. What would happen if some mystical being were to cause every single Starbucks store to vanish into some alternate universe? I think the world itself might collapse as we know it. Certainly the people suffering from caffeine withdrawals would be enough to shut down offices and businesses around the world. The entire world economy would collapse. Anyway, the point is, how many people ever used the word “venti” before Starbucks came into being.

The Starbucks people also have done cute little things to try and make you feel better as well. They call the smallest size you can get a “tall.” I always find it very endearing when an older person walks into a Starbucks and still orders a small, medium or large. I once saw an interview with one of the guys who created the whole Starbucks brand and launched the stores and he said he just wanted people to feel good when ordering the smallest size. Ordering a small just wasn’t as satisfying as ordering a tall.

Not everything about this is good, mind you. I am aware of that. Those big-box stores have been accused of employing companies that use child labor and such, for example. Homogenization is not without its flaws. However, to me, it is just nice to know that if I am in London or, perhaps one day, Outer Mongolia, and I walk into a coffee place with a name I recognize from every street corner in America that I can order the coffee and it will be just the same as it was back in America. I can then go out of the store and get onto my yak and go eat some raw beetles or something.

Bryan W. Alaspa’s novel Dust is available in print and eBook format at his website www.bryanalaspa.com and www.amazon.com.

The Good Ol’ Days of Horror

2006-12-06T08:04:00.000-08:00

I have been a fan of horror and horror movies for almost as long as I can remember. I have been through the various phases of horror. When I was a kid it was common to find those black and white movies that probably instilled terror into the hearts of movie audiences in the 1930s. Back in those days, during the depression, the idea of mummies and vampires was probably pretty scary. Bela Lugosi in a cape and speaking in a strange accent was probably enough to scare the heck out of people.

Even as a kid I never found those monster movies very scary. I mean, for crying out loud, you could get Dracula, Phantom of the Opera and Frankenstein’s Monster action figures when I was a kid. How scary is it when you can get a plastic toy to play with? Especially when the plastic toy is only slightly bigger than the Luke Skywalker or Darth Vader action figures I had sitting somewhere across the room, how scary can they really be?

When I first started watching movies on video it was the time when the slasher films had just started to take over. I watched Halloween and had nightmares. It was wonderful. Like all trends, however, before too long the entire pool was saturated and by that saturation the entire genre got diluted. With the creation of other movie monster like Jason and Freddy it kid of diluted the fact that the original Halloween is a brilliant and simple terror story about the boogeyman. It’s scary because of the use of shadow and implication rather than splattering gore. There is just enough blood to put the idea of blood in your head and then your brain fills in the blood the rest of the way.

Since the pool became diluted the glory days of the slasher film came and went. In fact, it seems like horror films went through a period where nothing was particularly good. There was the gorefest films, of course. I saw most of those during college. These were movies that just amped up the gore and made it so that nothing was left to your imagination. These movies dazzled with amazing special effects and sly tricks. The great movies in this genre are “An American Werewolf in London,” “John Carpenter’s The Thing,” and “The Fly.” The fact that those three all took old-time monsters and updated is not lost upon me.

Those movies were good. They entertained. They scared. I remember watching them and turning away from the screen. It was fun. I have written about these movies and given my opinion about which ones you should watch. Yes people died in these movies but there was always this sense of fun about them. It is hard to explain this to someone who does not like horror movies. The fun of horror movies is that they often are things that could not happen. It is not possible for Michael Meyers to really exist. You cannot have a man in a spray-painted Shatner mask who is invulnerable and comes back to life after being shot six times. There really are no werewolves. Vampires really do not exist.
Watching a horror film was my equivalent to going on a thrill ride. I hate thrill rides. My stomach cannot take all of that dipping and spinning and turning upside down. However, I can experience a visceral thrill watching a guy with knives for fingers swallow Johnny Depp into a bed and then fountain gallons of fake blood onto the fake ceiling. That’s fun. It was all done with a wink and a nod.

I think that maybe horror films are, in some way, a reflection of the times in which they are made. I, personally, enjoyed the brief dip into Japanese horror films. While the American remakes may be a little less intense than the original Japanese movies I enjoyed them for the most part. I like the way the Japanese are willing to accept ghosts and mediums and vast mental powers even from little girls trapped down wells. To cynical American society such things have to be explained and, in that explanation, some of the magic and scariness of the originals is lost.

There has been a more disturbing trend lately and it is one I am just not willing to take with the horror movie industry. I am not sure I understand it. I guess we live in a world when our own military is accused of torturing prisoners and you can find beheadings of hostages online if you look hard enough. We live in a world when faceless people seem to be plotting to do us harm and the harm done in our minds is so terrible that seeing someone tortured must not seem so bad.

Of course I am talking about the recent spate of torture films. I don’t understand them. I have not watched them. It may have started before the movie “Saw” came out but I really don’t remember them before that. I think maybe “Saw” just become enough of a hit that others figured they could make copycats of them.

Just like when the pool became saturated with the slasher films the market is now inundated with these movies. Far too often they do well at the box office. “Hostel” begat “Wolf Creek” which begat “Chaos” which begat “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: the Beginning” which begat “Touristas.” Now I see a movie that is supposed to come out this December about a torturer at Christmas time (although I think it’s actually a remake of a 1974 film, but I digress). Perhaps I will need to reevaluate my holiday movie list, eh?

In each of these movies it seems the same plot is followed. A bunch of young people end up in a group going some place. Most of the time they go somewhere in a car. Then they veer off of their original course and end up somewhere where a guy is waiting for them. Is it a slasher? No, that would be bearable. This is a guy who doesn’t just want to kill people. This is a guy who wants to stalk, capture and then torture them. As I understand it there are times when the bad guy doesn’t even want to kill his victims. From what I read about the movie “Wolf Creek” there’s a point where the guy severs one of his victim’s spine and leaves her a “head on a stick.”

I don’t understand the desire to watch this. Maybe it is like when I was younger and people get some kind of thrill out of it. I don’t see it. These don’t seem to have a sense of humor. They are dark and depressing and relentlessly mean and cruel. It’s like being one step away from watching a snuff film. Even “The Passion of the Christ” was, for all intents and purposes, a two hour movie of a man being horribly tortured to death.

It’s strange to wish for the time when the scariest thing was Robert Englund with make up that made it look like he had a skin condition.

Bryan W. Alaspa’s novel Dust is available in print and eBook format at his website www.bryanalaspa.com and www.amazon.com.

Being a Sports Fan Instead of a Sports Idiot

2006-12-05T07:08:00.000-08:00

I have never understood some of the insane things that go on in various sporting events. The things fans do have never made much sense to me. Now, don’t get me wrong, I am all for having fun at a sporting event. I am a huge fan when it comes to things like football and baseball. I am a Chicago Bears fan and a huge Chicago White Sox fan. I have a huge baseball cap collection featuring teams that aren’t even in my city. However, there are limits to everything.

I remember back in the 90s when the “Tomahawk Chop” was all the rage back when the Braves were routinely in the World Series. There were some people who thought that this was offensive to American Indians. Of course this ignored the fact that the thing started with college football and the Florida State Seminole’s football team. I never thought it was offensive to anyone. I mean, this was baseball. If you are offended at something stupid at a baseball game then you have bigger problems than drunken fans chanting off key and waving their arms around. I didn’t like the Chop because I just thought it was stupid.

What purpose did it serve? From what I understand a lot of athletes, especially those in sports that require concentration like baseball, learn to tune past the crowd noise around them. This is how athletes can play anything in front of thousands and thousands of people. Do they even hear all of that chanting? Doesn’t it just become something that’s happening in the background? It’s just stupid and not offensive. Then again, I am not a Native American. If there was some team that had a name that was a combination of German, Finnish, Irish and French Canadian and a chant that somehow combined that I might have found it offensive.

See, I just don’t understand where fans come up with this stuff. Who started “The Wave?” Why? What purpose does this serve? If anything that would be incredibly distracting to the people on the field. In baseball this would be hugely distracting if you were on the pitcher’s mound or in the batter’s box. This is done to entertain the fans, I guess, since many find baseball boring. If that’s the case then why have I seen it at football games and other sporting events? Go home and then stand up and sit down a lot. You can exercise and not bother anyone.

Here in Chicago we seem to have a large supply of idiotic fans. Just the other day the Chicago Bears faced off against the Minnesota Vikings in very cold weather. We got tons of snow here and then, as per usual, the temperature plummeted and it got really cold. This is not pleasant weather to watch a sporting event in. Unless you are in a skybox no one should have to sit outside when the temperature is under twenty degrees. This is from someone who actually likes cold weather. However, I also had my moments freezing at Bears games when I was younger and my dad shared season tickets with some friends at work. Trust me, there is nothing fun just sitting there while the blood in your body slowly freezes. The Bears don’t even have cheerleaders anymore to make things interesting and to get the blood flowing in at least one place.

So, of course, the newspaper the following day had to show the one idiot who took off his shirt during the game. This happens every time the Bears play in the cold. Why this is supposed to show support for the team, I have no idea. The players don’t play without shirts. They may play without sleeves, but I have never watched a football game where the guys played without shirts. The one guy I saw on television didn’t even have anything written on his chest. How sad is that? He couldn’t even find like-minded idiots to spell out the team’s name.

Of course these king of people show up in a bunch of places. You see them a lot in Green Bay. Of course, Green Bay Packers fans may have more than a few screws loose to begin with. When you live in the state of Wisconsin and you live and die by a football team you have to wonder about their sanity. These are fans who will their season tickets to their ancestors. When people move out of town there is a scramble to get their tickets.

The worst fans in the world are from Philadelphia. They are notorious for being, quite honestly, jerks of the first order. I have heard these people on sports radio programs and they seem to think that if you show up at a Flyers, Eagles, Phillies or 76ers game wearing anything but a hometown Philadelphia team jersey this is a license to beat the hell out of you. Keep this in mind of you ever plant to visit Philadelphia. Yes, it may be billed as the City of Brotherly love but they only love you if you wear a hometown team’s sportswear. If you don’t then the City of Brotherly love will beat the snot out of you and then go off for a Philly Cheesesteak sandwich. These are the same fans who booed and then threw snowballs at Santa Claus when he made an appearance during an Eagles game.

I have also never been one for tailgating. Given all of the fantastic restaurants and the great friends I have with great backyards and great grills I don’t understand the desire to add the flavor of car exhaust to whatever meat may be searing on the grills. Are rickety lawn chairs really more comfortable than an easy chair or a booth in a restaurant? Again, how does this help the team? Do they play better knowing you sat out there freezing and attempting to eat frozen bratwurst? Is Rex Grossman going to actually throw a pass forward just because more fans show up to drink earlier out in the parking lot?

I like to get to the game early, but I like to do that so I can walk around the stadium. Usually it’s fun to see all of the souvenirs and the food stands, especially when you visit U.S. Cellular Field where the Sox play. I like two watch the pre-game stuff. I like to yell when the team does well. What I don’t do is scream at the top of my lungs when I am sitting just beneath the surface of the sun trying to convince the manager or coach I have a better idea of what he should do than he does. I also hate the people who feel a sporting event is a great place to take a cell phone call and then wave at the freaking television cameras for nine innings or four quarters or three periods. All right, we all see you. You’re famous now. Please put the phone down. A pitcher should be allowed to legally bean anyone seen doing that behind home plate with a fastball to the head.

It’s OK to be a fan. Being a fan is fun. Being a fan can be fun without painting your face. Being a fan can be fun while still keeping warm and avoiding frostbite. Being a fan can be fun without being obnoxious. Being a fan can even be fun when you are sitting in a section full of people rooting for the opposite team. Doing all of the rest of that stuff doesn’t help the team, it just make you look stupid.

Bryan W. Alaspa’s novel Dust is available in print and eBook format at his website www.bryanalaspa.com and www.amazon.com.

Did Science Bring About AIDS?

2006-12-04T09:44:00.000-08:00

I have written about conspiracy theorists and people who believe in them before. Heck, I have made fun of them, let’s be honest. However, there are times when you hear something and look at what is being said and part of you just has to wonder. There are merits to what people are saying and suddenly you have to sit up and take notice and, perhaps, acknowledge that there is something there and you might want to take another look.

I recently watched remarkable documentary on the Sundance channel called “The Origin of AIDS” and it really made me sit up and take notice and really made the hairs on the back of my neck and my arms stand up. I am not saying that this documentary is the truth. No, doing that is just looking at one side of a story. You cannot look really at any documentary and take it as gospel. You really cannot filter the biases of the filmmakers out of documentaries. It’s not the same thing as a news story. Of course, even news stories often show an unintentional (or sometimes intentional) bias. When people are involve in anything then you have to wonder about bias.

Still, the issues brought up in the documentary are worth exploring further. Of course, this was also a very scientific documentary. That means they used a lot of big words that I don’t understand. However, I will do the best I can with my limited knowledge of virology and immunization to convey the possibilities expressed in this film.

Essentially much of the medical community says the first cases of what is known now as AIDS appeared in about 1959 in the area of Africa known as the Congo. It took quite a bit of time before that virus made it to the United States and, therefore, apparently warranted any notice by anyone. The fact that is struck drug users and homosexuals first probably also contributed to the spread of the disease.

At that same time the world was trying to combat another terrible virus known as polio. The virus had been killing and crippling children for years and perhaps centuries. A man named Jonas Saulk discovered the vaccine by using dead versions of the virus and injecting that vaccine into children. Essentially Jonas helped wipe out the entire virus from this planet. It is considered by much of the medical community and the world at large to be the greatest medical achievement of the twentieth century.

There is an interesting thing about how you make a vaccine. When you want to create a vaccine you need to take tissue and chop it up really fine. You then mix various other serums and place the tissue in those serums and you encourage the virus to grow on the tissue cultures. If you want to create a vaccine using a dead virus, which is the kind you inject, then you kill the virus using chemicals and then you bottle it up and start injecting. If you want to create a vaccine that people can take orally you need to keep the virus alive and then use a serum also made from tissue of the animal you got the original tissue from and encourage the virus to grow.

The way scientists have been doing this is by using the issue from monkeys. Monkeys are killed and their kidneys removed and chopped up and used to make tissue cultures. So, all of those polios vaccines that were given out back in the 50s were made from monkey kidneys. Generally what are called “lower” monkeys are used. These are green monkeys and other monkeys that are not chimpanzees. As it turns out, chimps don’t make very good test subjects for vaccines despite their similarity to humans.

So, when Jonas created his injected vaccine there were other guys trying to create an oral vaccine. There were also people trying to test their vaccines using children in Africa. This was not entirely ethical but in certain parts of the world, like the Congo for example, there were ways to get around it because back then the Congo was very well organized and had an excellent universal health care method that made it perfect for testing.

Meanwhile it turns out chimps have been known to contract a virus known as SIV. This is the simian version of the HIV virus. For years the theory has been thrown around that a hunter with a cut on his body killed a chimp and got the chimp’s infected blood all over him and into his cut and this was how HIV made the transition from a primate disease to one in humans. You see viruses have this nasty habit of mutating once they get into a new host. This is the concern most have about bird flu these days.

There were a few folks who wanted to test their oral vaccine. They also decided, for reasons that are still not clear, to start doing tests with chimps and then they started making vaccine cultures with chimp tissue. They used live samples and used kidneys and blood to make these cultures. Then they sprayed this vaccine into over one million children in the Congo during the late 1950s. Lo and behold, in the nearly the same location the first cases of this mysterious disease that destroyed the immune system began to appear.

So, you see, it wasn’t God sending some kind of punishment to the homosexuals. No, it wasn’t mystical beings wreaking havoc upon the world and it wasn’t sinister agents injecting people with this virus. It may simply have been science. It may simply have been that from the greatest medical achievement of the twentieth century that wiped out one of the greatest scourges the world has ever known ended up unleashing something even more terrible and deadly instead.

Much of the medical community has done what it can to debunk this. They may be right. It may be that those chimps were never used to make virus cultures and never turned into vaccine. This is just one documentary with a certain point of view. What does seem to be happening is that the medical community is attacking the theory so viciously that no one dares come forward with an idea about how to explore this further.

Science may not be the answer to everything. Given the way pharmaceutical companies continue to push forward with less control than every before and test in less economically prominent parts of the world who knows what may come next. Science without morality and science without governing is science that can run amok. It may be that AIDS is the price to pay and, perhaps, it should be the final price.

Bryan W. Alaspa’s novel Dust is available in print and eBook format on his website www.bryanalaspa.com and www.amazon.com.

What’s the Deal with the News?

2006-12-02T11:15:00.000-08:00

Picture a snowstorm barreling down on a Midwestern city like say, oh, I don’t know, Chicago. The weather guys have been warning everyone about this thing for days and days and days. Of course, you live in Chicago so you are very aware of the fact that once November comes around a snowstorm is very likely and even probable. If you have lived here for most of your life you might even be used to these things. Yes, they can be a nuisance but they also make the city look pretty for a while and, really, compared to other things it isn’t so bad. The day the storm comes you flip on the news and you are surprised to find that the television news department seems to have gone out and recruited new people to send to every far-flung corner of the city to stand on a street corner and report.

Surely this must be a mistake, you think. Surely this means the television news has been taken over by radicals who think it is necessary to place people with cameras and microphones at every corner in the city showing nothing and talking about nothing. As correspondent after correspondent comes on to do a report you watch as men and women, most of them completely grown up, stand in front of a street or the airport and give a report that means nothing. They do this hours before the snow starts to fall. Essentially this means they are reporting about nothing. They have no reason to be standing where they are standing. Nothing is actually happening where they are standing except that people are walking behind them and many of them are making obscene gestures.

This is the state of modern news these days. When the television first started showing news broadcasts they essentially had a guy in a studio reading the news. It wasn’t as easy in those early days to get a camera and crew out to a street corner somewhere. The cameras weighed just slightly less than a new Chrysler and they didn’t have video tapes then. So, what you got was a guy who told you the news and then you went to bed. From my understanding those early newscasts were maybe fifteen minutes long. Sometimes I wonder if that’s the way things should be again.

I remember when I first started noticing that things were getting ridiculous. You see it the most in the Chicago area when it comes to snowstorms. In the 80s or perhaps in the 90s I was over at a friend’s house and we were watching the news. It had snowed and then there was ice. The news people cut to some guy shivering in his suit and tie and neatly-cut and styled hair standing near an alley in what could have been any neighborhood in the city. He held an empty tape box in his hand. He then knelt down and threw the tape box across the sheet of ice to demonstrate how ice was slippery. You know, just in case you weren’t aware of the fact that ice was slippery and that when water froze it turned into ice.

Now the news feels compelled to do this kind of thing all the time. I have no idea what smaller cities and towns do for local coverage. The larger the city the more correspondents the news stations seem to have. Some countries don’t have armies as large as the legions of correspondents the local news people have. With all of those people you have to make them do something. It’s like every day some news director looks around, realizes he has too many people and too much equipment and should use it for something. So, not sure what else to do, he sends them out to stand outside of things for no particular reason other than it looks better to have them standing outside than standing around in the hall near the restroom.

Here in Chicago the Cook County Board President had a massive stroke earlier this year. We were subjected to day after day of correspondents standing outside of the hospital. Why? Did the guy come out and dance? No. Did he peek out the window? No. Did a doctor come out regularly and make some kid of announcement about his condition? No. It was just guys and gals standing in front of the hospital, often with the Emergency Room sign in the background, talking for no reason other than somewhere within that building the guy they were talking about was, most likely, sleeping. They could have been standing in front of any building they wanted, really, for all the benefit actually standing in front of the hospital actually did.

I blame the proliferation of the 24-hour cable news networks. It must have seemed like a great idea at the time they were created. Sure, you would have someone on watch 24-hours a day so no matter where or when you could be the first ones to cover the story. When it comes to things like wars and massive storms this may be a good thing, I guess. However, there tends to be long pieces of time between disaster when those people have nothing to do. As such you have to send them out somewhere because people now want pictures that move and things moving behind the correspondents. Therefore every correspondent in the world is forced to spend hours and hours standing around outside.

On the other hand the 24-hour services also love to send correspondents into intense storms for no apparent reason. Do we not all know that hurricanes cause things to blow around a lot? Haven’t the pictures showing the aftermath been enough over the years to get this point across? Do we have to have the film of the sign from a local store blowing down the street and crashing right in front of the news guy? Do we only consider revising this when some poor pretty correspondent gets her head lopped off by a metal street sign?

News stories where nothing happens is not a news story. The news is full of the non-news stories. They cut to some guy who has nothing new to report and nothing has happened. So, the correspondent essentially says that nothing happened and then throws it back to the anchor. Nothing new has been learned, no developments have been reported and there was no reason for that guy or girl to be standing in front of that random building reporting nothing. Are the journalism schools full of people who are learning how to do this? I took a reporting class once and I don’t remember the class about reporting the non-news story.

So, the next time you see some guy or gal with perfect hair standing in the cold throwing tape boxes or God knows what else across sheets of ice feel sorry for them. They are just hoping to eventually move into a spot where they can sit in the warm studio and just read a teleprompter. How is it that the people who sit there and read get paid more than the people standing around shivering and throwing things at glaciers? The mind boggles. Film at 11.

Bryan W. Alaspa’s novel Dust is available in print and eBook format at www.bryanalaspa.com and www.amazon.com.

The Place for Food

2006-12-01T06:47:00.000-08:00

Chicago is a great town for food. Oh sure, you are likely to point out the fact that I am a resident of this fair city and, as such, might be a little biased. However, I have traveled to a few places throughout my life. More importantly, my family has traveled a lot more than me. My brother and sister-in-law lived in New York for a long time. New York! That’s supposed to be a Mecca of great food. You know what my family found? Yeah, that food in the Big Apple sucks about as much as a giant apple that’s been sitting on an island in the ocean for centuries.

There may be better restaurants in a place like Paris and I am willing to concede that. When I think of the places my family has visited and which of those places had restaurants we all raved about I am able to come up with one place: New Orleans. Since New Orleans has a bit of a French influence I am betting Paris does all right for itself.

So, it’s time for another list. I recently got to play tour guide and got to see Chicago from a visitor’s perspective and it reminded me about how great this city is when it comes to food. My friends agreed. So, here is a list for any of you that may decide you want to visit the Windy City. Many of these are downtown, but they are presented here as they come to my brain and not in any particular order of greatness.

1. Superdawg – this is one of the last real drive-in restaurants you are likely to find. While, technically speaking, this is not a true Chicago-style hot dog this is one of the tastiest dogs you are likely to find. You can also walk up to a window and order and you can order burgers and other things besides hot dogs. This is located on the northwest side of the city, out near O’Hare Airport. It is worth the trip. The malts and shakes are small but delicious.

2. Lou Malnatti’s Pizza – There are pizza places all over the city. You can find a good pie on nearly any corner (by the way the word “pizza” means pie so saying pizza pie is saying pie pie). There are Malnati restaurants all over the city as well. It’s great. Here’s a secret, though. Chicago-style pizza is thick crust pizza in a deep dish. However, most Chicagoans I know actually at thin-crust. Still, find a Lou’s and enjoy.

3. Portillo’s – this is where you can find a true Chicago-style hot dog. A true Chicago-style dog is on a steamed poppy-seed bun with an all-beef Vienna dog. The dog should have relish, tomatoes, mustard, celery salt and a sport pepper. I think there maybe onions too but I am not sure and I am too lazy to look it up. There should never be ketchup but I put it on there anyway. Portillo’s also has Italian Beef sandwiches which are also a Chicago original. If you want to try on you can’t got wrong with Portillo’s.

4. Carson’s Ribs – there are several of these as well. If you are downtown you might as well try the one down there. These are the best barbecued ribs, bar none, end of story, period. You can even buy their ribs online and have them shipped all around the world. They have other food there as well but the barbecue sauce is so fantastic. It is sweet, which I love, but these ribs are good enough you will write home about it.

5. Ditka’s – this is the restaurant started by Da Coach Mike Ditka. I have no idea how much he is really involved with the day-to-day operations of this establishment but the food is excellent. They are renowned for their pork chops. It is also a place where you can have a cigar and not have to worry.

6. Ben Pao’s – I just discovered this place with my friends. It is part of the Lettuce Entertain You group of restaurants. It is an Asian restaurant. It is fantastic. Their crab Rangoon looks like long sticks but tastes delicious. Their soy sauce has a fantastic sweet taste. I would gladly go back here just for the chicken fried rice. I want to take it home and roll around in it. OK, maybe not, but this is damn fine food and you should seek it out. It is downtown just blocks from the House of Blues

7. Jake Melnick’s – this is a bit of a bar and is a fine place to watch a football game. It is also a great place to get some food. They have a great selection of beer, as my friend Scott can attest. I had a salmon dish and it was fantastic. You don’t expect fine salmon from a bar with football on the televisions but this stuff was really good. I enjoyed the fries and the staff was fun too.

8. Ed De Bevic’s – this is right across from a Carson’s Ribs and there is one way out in the suburb of Deerfield. You can’t go wrong with the original. The waitstaff are being deliberately rude. It is part of the act. They dance on the tables. They sit down in the booth with you. They call you names. The food is great but the entire experience is what sells this. That and the music. The cheese fries are great.

9. Roma’s Italian Beef – this is down the street from Superdawg’s. This is the place to go for Italian Beef. It is worth the trip out toward O’Hare again. The cheese fries here may be the best I have ever eaten. It is a hole-in-the-wall place but my GOD this is the best beef sandwich you are likely to eat. Get it “juicy” and they will dip the bun in the beef juice but you will have to eat it with a knife and fork. Get sweet peppers on it for additional flavor. You can get hot peppers on this sandwich too if you want. This is a Chicago original and it is worth the trip.

10. The Signature Room – what could be better than eating in a fancy restaurant that happens to be near the top of one of the tallest buildings in the city. The food is expensive and I think you need to wear a tie if you are a guy but this is a great place to eat. The food is world-class and the views are fantastic. I love the John Hanncock building and this place is right on top of it. There is also a Signature Lounge just above the restaurant if you just want to have a drink.

In truth you can turn a corner anywhere around here and find a great restaurant. Part of the fun is exploring. I hope I have given you a good start.

Bryan W. Alaspa’s novel Dust is available in print and eBook format at www.bryanalaspa.com and www.amazon.com.

The Dumb Squad

2006-11-30T07:46:00.000-08:00

If you are anything like me, first of all let me give you my condolences, then you were made to feel afraid, very afraid, when you saw Lindsay, Britney and Paris all in the same car together. The combined brainpower in that vehicle had to equal about one watt and they were behind the wheel of a vehicle that must weigh close to a ton or more. It certainly made me glad that I did not live anywhere near wherever they were likely driving and puking and endangering pedestrians.

At some point it must have become cool for young women to be stupid. I know this is something that has been written about before and by others but it really struck me while I sat there looking at the photograph of those three in a car. I don’t understand what kind of message this sends to anyone who might be young and also female. Hell, I wonder what kind of message it sends to anyone anywhere about anything. These are the people we deem newsworthy?

The list of the dumb women seems to be getting long all the time. There is Britney who likes to walk into gas station restrooms barefoot and drive with her infant son on her lap. There is Paris who says “that’s hot” as though it means something and isn’t annoying. There is Lindsay who seems to be partying at a rate that makes me wonder if she has some kind of fatal disease and is trying to pack as much drinking into her life as possible before she dies. There is Jessica Simpson who has made being dumb a career move. Her sister is Ashlee who probably wouldn’t be able to find her way out of a large paper bag if you left it tilted on its side with opening wide open. There is Tara Reid who walks around topless and seems to be giving Lindsay a run for her money when it comes to the partying.

What happens in the lives of these children? Do their parents just get caught up in it? Do they either decide to put their kids into the entertainment world or listen to the kid and let them enter the entertainment world and just decide to stop caring about them? Britney didn’t just decide one day to get photos taken of her getting out of a car with Paris Hilton where you can clearly see her most private or areas. She had to slowly develop that way. She must have had potential as a child to be smart. Somewhere along the way someone must have seen she could sing with some ability and then decided to focus just on that and not the rest of the training the rest of us got. Somewhere along the way she missed the lesson that one should not wear a skirt so short everyone can see your hoo-hoo without the need of a high-powered lens.

With Paris you begin to understand at least part of it. She was born into wealth. Nothing breeds idiocy like money. Yes, sure, I am positive you can point to people who are the exceptions that only prove the rule. Even Paris’ own sister seems to be just slightly more intelligent and more adjusted in some way than Paris. Paris is like some kind of female Forrest Gump. She just blows on the wind and flits and flirts from one place to another like a feather. She seems bored with life. She certainly seemed bored with sex on that infamous tape. She does not look like a person who you could have a conversation with. She seems the type who you would ask, “how’s the weather?” and she would reply “whether what?”

I tend to like women who can hold up their end of the conversation. To me, at least, a brain is very sexy. A great conversation can be almost as powerful as a romantic interlude. On the other hand there seem to be other men who agree that the dumber the better. As for me, I will stick with women who may actually know what is going on in the world and avoid those who may be stumped about which world they may actually be currently standing on.

I guess this is a phenomenon to go hand in hand with the craziness gene that seems to have kicked in with the older celebrities these days. If they aren’t standing on a stage or being pulled over by police to spout hateful things then the celebrities are as dumb as a post and making sex tapes. Why would anyone who wants to be in the public eye make a sex tape? Is there a woman alive who thinks that when the man tells her that if they make a tape it will just be for private viewing and will be erased? Does anyone really think that no matter what that boyfriend will not show that video to about half a dozen friends or post it on the internet? I should know as I have probably downloaded at least half of the world’s supposedly private sex tapes. I’m not proud of that fact, just desperately lonely.

I digress, however. I guess when you look back throughout history the actual female role models who were intelligent were few and far between. All too often the women who were strong and smart were mocked in later generations. Sure, Susan B. Anthony may be a great role model and a smart woman but most men wouldn’t want a calendar of her on their walls. Despite the fact that most of the men I know are no brainiacs themselves (and I am including myself in this group) they are still the people who are in control of much of the world. Men being in control of much of the world has not done a damn thing to make the world a better place and yet they still seem to be the ones who control so much of what women think. Far too many women seem to think that being stupid but just looking like a bimbo is enough to get you somewhere in the world.

Of course the dumbest woman on the planet has to be Anna Nicole Smith. She actually fell out of favor with men because she gained weight. This was a bad move on her part because she wouldn’t be able to find the floor upon stepping out of bed if you judge her from the reality show she used to have. Granted, she has suffered a great tragedy lately and that should count for something.

I just want the world of women to know that there are some of us out here who actually want to be able to have a decent conversation every once in a while. Sure, someone beautiful is great to look at and have fun in the bedroom with but what do you do with the rest of the time? Do you just play Play Station Three? You have to be able to talk to someone and that has to be hard to do when they can’t even spell dog.

So, be careful out there. If this trend continues the Dumb Squad may just get bigger. Buses full of dumb bimbette celebrities may be swarming your very streets. Keep your wits about you. Keep a lot of shiny things around to distract them with.

Bryan W. Alaspa’s novel Dust is available for sale in print and eBook form at www.bryanalaspa.com and www.amazon.com.

Visiting Chicago

2006-11-28T07:39:00.000-08:00

It’s amazing how things work when you live in a city. You forget, upon walking past something amazing day after day after day, what it is that brings people from other places to visit the place where you live every day. It’s only when people from out of town come to visit and then suddenly you can find yourself scrambling to show them what is so cool about your city.

I had that happen to me recently. I live in Chicago. Now, Chicago has a lot of truly amazing and great places to visit and show people. However, when you live here you don’t usually sit here and think about visiting most of them. Heck, if you’re like me, you hardly set foot downtown unless it’s related to business and you forget where things are and how to get there.

However, with my friends in town I had to take some time off from work and spend a couple of days being a tour guide. In a way it was good because it helped me remember why I love this city so much. Now, the places I am going to talk about and tell you about are the standard touristy things. I know that. However, there is a reason things become popular and touristy. They become that way because they are cool and people talk about them and then the word spreads beyond the border of the city and state and, before too long, you have a guy in Saskatchewan saying that maybe he’d like to go to Chicago and visit that thing he heard someone talking about. Just because something is popular with tourists doesn’t mean it still isn’t cool.

1. Millennium Park – this park is all of two years old. For a long time it seemed like it was just going to suck away money from tax payers and amount to nothing. Our mayor seemed like he might get himself into trouble with this planned park that seemed to never get built. Then it opened and everything changed. This park is very cool. It’s a great place to go and just hang out. If I lived and worked downtown I would eat my lunch in this park. The piece of art known as “The Bean” is cool enough by itself. Then, just behind you there, you can find the Gehry designed theater where they hold free concerts during the summer. Gehry also designed the walkway over the Lake Shore Drive. Finally there are the fountains and monoliths with the faces on it. During the summer these things shower water down on the tiles and create a kind of reflecting pool and during the winter the monoliths just show these giant faces of real people. You have to see this to be believed. You can also sit on a bench, talk, enjoy a meal and look at the most spectacular skyline anywhere.

2. The John Hancock Observatory – Chicago has two observatories. One is in the Sears Tower which is still the tallest building in the United States and was once the tallest building in the world. You are up pretty high and all but, for my money, the John Hancock building at the north end of the downtown area has the better view. You should go at night and just see the lights. They have now added an outdoor viewing deck that is open during the summer. There is a restaurant one floor above the observatory called “The Signature Room” and there is a bar called “The Signature Lounge” right there as well. The building is very cool and the entire exhibit and observation deck is just cool. I am telling you, the situation of this building, right over Michigan Avenue, provides views much more spectacular than the Sears Tower.

3. The Field Museum – This is the museum of natural history. This is the place to go when you want to see hundred of animals that have been stuffed and put on display. Right now they are running a very nice exhibit about King Tut. The King himself is not there but a lot of his family is. The exhibit itself is very well-made and displayed. They have another Egypt exhibit with mummies and all kinds of mummified animals. They have Sue the largest and most-complete T. Rex skeleton in the world. They have the Tsavo lions who were made into a movie called “The Ghost and the Darkness” and they are right on display there for you to see. This was a museum I dreaded to see as a kid but have grown to appreciate more as an adult.

4. The John G. Shedd Aquarium – Right across from the Field is the Shedd Aquarium and a better one you are not likely to find. There may be some that have some more spectacular exhibits but this one has a view of the lake that is second-to-none. In fact, before you go in take a walk down the finger of land that extends out in the lake and, at the end of it, is the Adler Planetarium. Just look back at the city. This is the best view of the entire skyline bar-none. You could only get one better by being on a boat in the lake itself. If you go at night the lights will dazzle you. Meanwhile the aquarium itself has a very cool Komodo Dragon exhibit running right now. Even if you don’t get to see that just stick around to see the Beluga whales and the dolphin show.

5. The Museum of Science and Industry – this museum is located well south of downtown but it is worth the cab fare or the drive. This is a museum that you should plan to spend an entire day at. It is set far enough away from downtown that they have even put in some great food for you to eat while you are there. These are exhibits that you interact with. You can experience what it was like to god down a mineshaft and work in a coal mine. You can use a flight simulator. You can see a human head dissected and sliced for you to look at. You can reach out and touch things. During the Christmas season you can see Christmas trees from around the world. At other times the biggest damn electric train set in the world is right in the middle of the thing. You can also walk through a real World War Two German submarine here.

6. The Art Institute of Chicago – One of the finest collections of art you are ever likely to see. When you want to see where Sloan and Ferris kissed in front of that blue stained glass in “Ferris Bueller” this is the place. You can see the painting Cameron looks at that is all dots when you look at it closely and then it becomes a solid thing when you pull back.

7. The Museum of Contemporary Art – This is a brand new museum. It is back by the John Hanncock building. This is modern art whereas the Art Institute has more of the classical art. I am a bit of an art lover so I love just about any art museum. I am just glad that this city now has at least two great art museums and, since this one is new, I think everyone should support it.

We have some of the best restaurants in the world, too, but that is a topic for another time. This is a great city and we don’t mind you coming to visit. If you bump into me, maybe I’ll even tell you some of the better stories about this town.

Bryan W. Alaspa’s novel Dust is available in print and eBook forms at www.bryanalaspa.com and www.amazon.com.

The Holiday Movie Thing

2006-11-25T06:38:00.000-08:00

My original idea was to create another list. Since the holidays are upon us I figured it would be a good time to write about some of the best holiday movies. People like lists. The other lists I wrote seemed to get a decent response. It creates dialogue, it seems. People like making suggestions. As such, I figured holiday movies would be a great topic what with it being the Christmas season.

However, as I sat down to write I immediately ran into a problem. The problem is very simple and can be summed up in three words: holiday movies suck. Yes, that’s exactly what I am saying. I tried to come up with a list. I went for a walk. I pounded my head against a wall. What did I end up with? I got sore feet and a headache.

I couldn’t come up with a list. Yes, there are classic films that everyone watches year after year but, really, they aren’t very good movies either, are they? You only watch them during one time of year. It’s the time of year when you probably have warm and fuzzy feelings going already. A lot of people associate the holidays with good memories and some of those memories surround watching certain movies with family members. All of that suddenly makes “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation” suddenly seem like a good movie rather than a poorly-acted, cheesy Chevy Chase comedy which is what it really is.

So, here is my list of holiday movies that are heart-warming, funny, and classic:

A Christmas Story – In my opinion there is nothing better than the story of Ralphie and his family and his attempts to get hold of a Daisy Red Ryder BB Gun with a compass in the stock and this thing that tells time. It’s funny and, more importantly, it’s universal. Yes, the movie is set in about 1940 but the themes mean as much today as it must have back then. I know in my life that every year there was one toy or one present I looked forward to more than any other. I would sit there in class and daydream about it. I would doodle pictures of it on my notebooks. I would dream of playing with the thing. Then, when I finally got the chance to play with the gift, normally I was done and bored with it by the end of the day.

This is a story that brings up nearly every single family holiday goof-up and tradition. My house too had outlets that were crammed with plugs. My father wasn’t exactly like the father in the movie but he did love to pick at the turkey my mother would be cooking all day long. I even had one Christmas where I was longing for a BB gun. I then proceeded to shoot up the basement of my parent’s house with it.

The rest of the movies that come out during the holidays just don’t have the same feel to it. Everyone watches and talks about “It’s a Wonderful Life” but I can’t sit through that movie anymore. I honestly don’t care much about Zuzu and her petals any longer. I also hate the idea that every time a bell rings and angel gets its wings and wish Clarence would freeze to death and drown. Am I cynical? Probably. Cantankerous? Most definitely.

I watched “Miracle on 34th Street” and the remake just like everyone else. Again, it was mildly amusing the first time I saw it. Then it rapidly became annoying. Once again I no longer cared if Santa ended up in the loony bin or not. I’d rather just see the kid yank on the beard over and over again.

I guess I still have a soft spot for the Rudolph movie. Something about that harkens back to my childhood. Does anyone remember the other Rudolph movie where he had to save the new year? I remember that one because he had a friend who was a whale and I thought that was really cool.

I have watched seemingly countless versions of “A Christmas Carol.” I have to admit I was amused when I first saw the Bill Murray version “Scrooged.” However, to me, the movie now seems dated. It’s amazing that at one time having a movie with Bobcat Golthwait didn’t seem like a disaster in the making. Even as I sat there in the theater I have to say I was thinking that this was not really a very funny movie.

The problem in recent years is that the quality of these movies has managed to get worse. Right now there is a movie about two guys who are competing or have problems with the decorations on the other person’s house. Sounds like the same story that was “Christmas with the Kranks” which was just out last year and completely sucked. Let’s not forget Ben Affleck’s movie where he tries to live with Tony Soprano or something.

I blame Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sinbad for this trend. They did that stupid movie where the two of them run around looking for the hot toy of the season. I knew it was going to be dumb for a couple of reasons, namely, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sinbad. Has there ever been a good movie with Sinbad in it? I don’t think so.

Of all of the movies I would have to say that the story of Ralphie, his brother, Scut Farkus and the BB Gun is the one I can watch again and again and again. The great thing is that I can do exactly that because there’s that one cable channel that shows it all day and night on Christmas day. I still laugh. Just show me his brother saying “Meat loaf, beat loaf, I hate meat loaf” and I am on the floor dying.

Beyond that, I have to say that holiday movies, much like holiday songs, have a very short shelf life and that is as it should be. You can have your “White Christmas” and enjoy them if you want but you can count me out. I can do without Bing Crosby in my holiday life, thank you very much. I have no desire to watch that one again. I saw it once and watched it with this really cute girl back in college. Unless she is going to show up again to watch it with me, I really don’t care to see it.

So, I am sure the airwaves will be filled with holiday movies. There will be women having their lives made wonderful and various adaptations of Scrooge and his ghosts. They will show the Peanuts kids shopping for that tree. I will be taking walks in my neighborhood and enjoying the lights. However, during that marathon, you had better believe I will be watching Ralphie dress up like a giant pink bunny.

Bryan W. Alaspa’s novel Dust is now available in both print and eBook versions at his website www.bryanalaspa.com and www.amazon.com.

The Cubs Try it Again

2006-11-22T06:02:00.000-08:00

The Chicago Cubs have suddenly shown that they may have an actual desire to hold onto the World Series Trophy like the team on the South Side of the city with the signing of Alfonso Soriano. Normally it seems like the Cubs are content with putting, at best, a mediocre team on the field mostly because the legions of blinded Cubs fans still sell out every home game no matter how far in the basement the team is. When you can put a bunch of trained weasels on the field doing back-flips and sell out ever ticket why on earth would you want to spend the money to get some decent players?

A few things seem to have converged to push the Cubs into this decision. The Tribune Company, which owns the team, has been having a lot of financial trouble as of late. They have been selling things off left and right. Many people have been guessing that the Cubs would be on the auction block. This may not be a bad thing. Getting the team out of the hands of a soulless corporation that just looks at numbers in maybe into one or two or a group of people who are actual baseball fans could make the team much better.

Getting a high-powered and big-name player like Soriano probably greatly increases the asking-price for a Chicago Cubs baseball team. If you were a company looking to make an even bigger score by selling off your hottest property why not get at least one really big name on the list, right? One thing’s for sure, only the Cubs could do anything that would knock the Chicago Bears off of the front-page of the local Chicago newspapers.

There are legions of Cubs fans here. I don’t think it’s something anyone else in any other city can really understand. Sure, Boston Red Sox fans like to think they had a hard time with a team that couldn’t win a World Series. The thing about the Cub is that they haven’t even BEEN to a World Series since 1945. At least the Red Sox got the invitation and got into the dance a few times.

The problem now is whether or not Soriano can avoid the curse of the talented player that seems to befall every single good player that ends up in a Chicago Cubs uniform. We have a knack in this neck of the woods of bringing hugely talented players to the sports teams and then sitting there in slack-jawed amazement as they completely suck and can’t do a damn thing correctly. Remember Nomar Garciaparra? He was doing great things in Boston when he came to the Cubs. Before long he was on the bench with a leg injury and there was talk that his entire career might be over. Then he ends up on the West Coast and has a great year.

Chicago is a sports city where that kind of thing happens a lot. It used to happen on the other side of town as well. Of course, the White Sox have this tendency to get the baseball players already in the decline of their career. This is the team that got Bo Jackson after he had hip-replacement surgery, remember.

Of course, Soriano isn’t exactly a young hot prospect just out of the minors. He’s 31 years old, according to information supplied by him. Given that he is from the South American baseball leagues where people often lie about their age to get big baseball contracts at young ages he may be closer to forty years old. He had a great year with the Washington Nationals last year despite the team not being very good. To me that means the Cubs should be pretty familiar to him once he gets here.

The Cubs got rid of their manager Dusty Baker not long ago. Then they got Lou Pinella to step into his shoes. As a sign that maybe things might actually be changing over there they then signed Soriano to one of the richest deals in baseball. In fact it is the package for Soriano is the fifth-largest in baseball history. Not bad for a team that not long ago just seemed resigned to being a loser.

The problem with the Cubs is that they are a team with a general feeling of being losers. They have been losing for so many years there seems to be an aura of being a loser hanging over everything including that cramped, crumbling relic known as Wrigley Field. Exactly what can shake that kind of malaise? It’s hard to say but a manager change and signing a big name has to help. Now maybe if they can change the owners maybe things will finally fall into place.

I am a White Sox fan. There is a certain easing of everything that goes with winning a World Series. Yes, they may have stumbled and fallen horribly during this last season but they still won the entire thing in 2005. No matter how many people try to tell me it doesn’t count because the ratings were low or how easy they somehow had it during the playoffs and series the fact remains they still won the whole thing in 2005 and nothing can change that.

I have to say there is a part of me that feels it would be nice for Cubs fans to feel that as well. Of course, the best script that could have been written would be for the Cubs to have won this year. That way it would have been the Red Sox ending their curse and then the White Sox ending their losing streak. The trifecta there would have been for the Cubs to make it and then win. Sadly, they never really had a chance.

Most of my family is Cubs fans. They are all decent, hard-working people. I find them to be truly misguided when it comes to their choice in baseball teams, but this doesn’t mean I love them any less. As such, it would be very nice for them to experience the unbridled excitement and joy I have been surfing on since the end of 2005.

Now, they still need to work on the fact that their two star starting pitchers are walking disasters and barely able to walk let alone pitch. They also need to put a team on the field who can field the ball and make plays. They need to fill the rest of the line-up with people who can hit and make plays. One guy isn’t likely to turn an entire team around in the game of baseball. Still, Pinella and Soriano are a very good start.

I don’t believe in curses. I didn’t with the White Sox and I really don’t think that’s the problem with the Cubs. They just need to change their attitude. I can’t say this is the solution but it does seem to be a step in the right direction.

Bryan W. Alaspa’s novel Dust is available in print and eBook format at his website www.bryanalaspa.com and www.amazon.com.

How to Destroy Your Career

2006-11-21T06:45:00.000-08:00

This seems to be a theme that has become more and more prominent lately and I have already written twice about the insanity of the celebrities these days. Just when I think there might be a break in this series of crazy events something else happens and it may be crazier than the first. I think maybe it was a disease that was always there. You can look back over the course of movies and celebrities and there are hints that all is not well among those who decide to make a living entertaining us.

Back during the silent film era there was a man named “Fatty” Arbuckle. He was a large man who was huge in silent film comedies at the time. He was one of the highest-paid actors of his day with a contract of over a million dollars with Paramount Studios. If you think about it that was back in the early nineteen hundreds so that was a tremendous amount of money. Anyway, Fatty got himself into trouble when a young actress ended up dead after spending the better part of a weekend with him and a friend. Arbuckle was accused of crushing the girl while attempting to rape her.

That was just the start of it. I am betting back in Shakespeare’s time there were actors who were hugely popular who were also involved in scandals. Of course, back then, actors were all male and they dressed like women when the roles called for it. You have to wonder about the mental states of those guys back then.

John Wilkes Booth was an actor. In fact he was one of the most-popular actors of his day. Just imagine one of the popular young, handsome actors of today walking up and shooting a major world leader. That was what it was like when Booth did what he did to Lincoln. Once again you have an actor doing something crazy.

I think maybe we see it more these days because everyone and everything has a camera attached to it. Phones have cameras. Portable MP3s have cameras and can download pictures. I bet there are shoes and ties and watches with cameras. James Bond would look at the things we have with cameras and be amazed were he not entirely fictional. This means if you do something these days you can pretty much count on the fact that it was probably captured on camera. Want to hit your kid in the parking lot of the local “big box” store? You had better believe you will be on camera. Want to pee in your boss’ coffee? You had better believe you will be caught on camera.

You combine this with the power and the immediacy of the internet and the popularity of sites like “YouTube” and other sites and you can instantly show the entire planet the embarrassing thing you caught on your necktie camera. So, whereas at one time if Fatty Arbuckle did something it could take months for it to filter to the middle states now you can get to a computer and see Michael Richards spouting off hateful comments left and right. In fact you can probably see it minutes, maybe hours, after the incident initially happened. These days, you make a stupid and idiotic move like that and you can count on most of the world talking about it the next day.

It’s so easy, in fact, I am printing an easy guide. If you are celebrity looking to be shunned and humiliated in the hopes of getting your own special with Barbara Walters here’s how you can do it:

1. Get Famous- first you have to get famous. Become a movie star. Get a hit television show. Become a hugely famous singer. Do just about anything just so long as it puts your name on most of the lips in America.

2. Do Something Public – this would be doing a comedy show or perhaps partying somewhere where you know a lot of people will take pictures. This way they can post their videos of you taking shot after shot of tequila. Maybe you want to stand up on the stage of a comedy club even though you’re not a stand-up comedian. It doesn’t really matter. Just do it in public so that a lot of people can see you and hear you and report about it later. Once again, everyone has a camera including the cop who pulled you over so really the thing you would need to worry about is NOT being in public in some way or another.

3. Immediately Go to Rehab – Once the tape or video hits the internet and then all of the entertainment shows the next day you should immediately declare yourself as having some kind of drinking or drug problem and then check yourself into rehab. Whether or not this excuses your behavior or just takes away your inhibitions and exposes feelings you normally keep repressed is entirely debatable. Whether or not this generates any sympathy is debatable. Just know that by declaring it was the booze or the meth or the vicodin that was doing the talking you can maybe convince yourself you don’t actually think those things you said or that you were not really capable of doing the insane thing you did.

4. Do an Interview – Find someone the likes of a Barbara Walters or someone from “60 Minutes” and schedule an interview. Pour out your hearts. Make a lot of statements like “if you were offended then I apologize” but never actually just say you were wrong and you were sorry. That way you can turn it around and make it seem like the people who are offended are at fault for not getting your wry, witty and subtle sense of humor.

That’s really all there is to it. Once you manage to do all of that you can maybe sell a book about your rehab experience. Who knows, you may have a long and lengthy career in retail waiting for you. On the other hand you might just end up directing a movie and winning Academy Awards or something.

Regardless of which just remember there are about five billion other people who all want to be famous. Therefore, once you have destroyed your career you can count on the fact there will be someone younger, more attractive and better at whatever it is you do to take your place. The machine feeds itself. It’s kind of cool in a very creepy way, don’t you think?

Bryan W. Alaspa’s novel Dust is available in print and eBook at his website www.bryanalaspa.com and www.amazon.com.

The Video Game Insanity

2006-11-20T06:56:00.001-08:00

I have to confess I don’t understand the video game fanaticism I see going on these days. People are camping out for days, even weeks in some places, all for the honor of shelling out $600 for a game station. Now, as I understand it, most of the people standing in line simply turn around and sell the things on eBay for somewhere around $6,000. Is this the only reason? Is that really worth sleeping on concrete for six days in a row? Am I missing something here?

Maybe it’s just that I am not a games guy. Sure, I have spent many hours playing games of all kinds on my life. I have played board games. I have had bursts where playing certain games ruled my life. I went through a period during my high school years when I wanted to play “Risk” all the time and played for hours with friends. I even had a brief moment of playing roll-playing games although I never got obsessed enough to then spend hours talking about my character in public like some people I knew back then. The thing it, games have just never held much power over me for the long-term. In fact, these days, I prefer to avoid them all-together.

Not to sound too much like an old-fogey, but I can say I was there at the birth of the video game in the home. My family, for some reason, was always on the cutting-edge of the home video game system back in the infancy of the genre. My family even had one of those home “Pong” game systems that was likely to burn the images of the dashes into your television screen. We were also one of the first families to have an Atari system. Then our family jumped to Colecovision which made me the popular kid on the block for a while. Then what did we do? We got the Atari game adapter for the thing and kept buying Atari games.

I was into video games for a while. I spent hours playing “Space Invaders” and “Asteroids.” I was pretty good at “Asteroids.” Of course, I played the best when I set it for the kids setting on the game system but I was, technically, a kid so that wasn’t cheating too much. Of course, back then, there was no way to win those games. You just played until you ran out of lives.

I think the first quest game was this Atari game where you wandered around these mazes looking for swords and chalices and crap like that. I also remember it was one of the first games to have hidden things you could find. As I recall you could get a “magic dot” that would allow you to do something.

At some point, though, video games just passed me by. I never got a Nintendo. I remember everyone in college having one of those damn things and I would spend hours while they tried to get through “Super Mario Bros.” I never thought the game looked like fun.

I think for me the problem is those games that are so popular are just frustrating for me. I do not have great hand-eye coordination. I have never had great hand-eye coordination. This means video games are impossible. So, those games that have a story to them are frustrating because I can NEVER GET TO THE NEXT PART OF THE DAMN STORY!!! It would be like having a DVD and putting it into the machine and watching the movie up until the next chapter and then having to figure out some impossible puzzle in order to get to the next chapter.

I like movies. I love movies. I like being able to sit there and just let the story get to me. In “Casino Royale” I am going to get to see the next chapter and what happens to James Bond regardless of whether or not I can open the suitcase to find the combination to a safe guarded by eighteen guards and a giant monster with tentacles. I cannot imagine enjoying a story where I could never get to the next chapter. I just don’t have the patience. For me, getting to the next chapter should be no more difficult that sitting still or turning the next page. It should not involve killing something or solving a puzzle. Ever. Thank you.

So, for me, no matter how great the graphics, how intense the storyline, or how moving the entire game experience is I will never be compelled to play a video game or consider is at cool as a movie or television show. This does not mean that I, as a writer, wouldn’t gladly help script a video game. At this point I would help people write grocery lists for pay, but I just don’t want to play the damn things. I don’t find all of that problem solving and shooting fun I just find it frustrating. I lose interest and I just give up. I let friends win the games and then they can tell me about the story.

Needless to say, this means I will not be seen sitting on the cement outside of a Best Buy or toy store hoping to shell out a few hundred bucks for a video game system. I will not be doing this to even turn around and sell it for a one hundred percent mark-up. I just will not do it because I don’t think sitting outside in the cold looks like fun and I don’t think lugging the damn games around in the box looks like fun and I don’t think playing the games looks like fun.

I realized I was old and the world was passing me by when I saw the story on “60 Minutes” about a kid who was making money playing video games. He is considered the world’s first virtual athlete. He was winning money by playing tournaments and those first-person shoot-‘em-up games. He was making money by selling gaming gear with his game name on it. It was the first moment I truly shook my head and wondered about the kids today. Before you know it I will be standing outside of my home with my cane raised over my head telling kids to get off of my lawn.

If you love video games and spend hours and hours and hours parked in front of your television playing these games then I salute you. I am sure you are better than me in ways I cannot possibly understand. I am willing to admit you are more patient than I am and probably have better hand-eye coordination and problem-solving skills than I have. I grant all of that to you. However, as the guy who ends up sitting there watching you play the games instead of watching a movie on the same television screen I can only say I would rather we watch the movie version of “Scarface” than play the game.

Bryan W. Alaspa’s novel Dust is available in print and eBook format at www.bryanalaspa.com and www.amazon.com.

Bond Gets a Shot in the Arm

2006-11-18T06:10:00.000-08:00

Just like the movie “Batman Begins” did last year for that flagging franchise the new James Bone film “Casino Royale” gives a stale series a much-needed shot of adrenalin. This is, without a doubt, the best Bond film I have seen in a long time. For those of you who were worried about Daniel Craig taking over the role, you don’t have to worry because he could be the best Bond yet and, yes, I am even factoring in Sean Connery.

I am a James Bond fan. I can’t help it. In my family the James Bond movies were always watched whenever they were on television. To this day, whenever AMC or one of the other cable channels has the Bond marathons, I am glued to the television nearly ever night. Yes, some of them are fairly dreadful (“Moonraker”) but most of them are a lot of fun. In fact, even the bad ones are fun.

There was a big flap raised when Craig was picked to be the next bond. He wasn’t tall enough and he’s blond. The thing is he is EXACTLY what this movies needed and what this franchise needed. He is real. He is also probably the best-built Bond of any of them. He looks like a guy who could kick your ass.

This Bond goes back to the beginning. We see James make his second kill to get his Double-O rating in the pre-credit sequence. This is a James Bond unlike what we have seen before. He is raw. He is new to this. He makes mistakes. He is reckless and arrogant. He doesn’t even regularly drink martinis. Also, he is utterly and completely ruthless. This Bond is a stone-cold killer. He doesn’t kill his enemies cleverly and then make a witty retort. He drowns them in sinks and shoots them right in the face.

Bond’s mission is to take down Le Chiffre. Le Chiffre is a man who is the financial wizard for terrorist organizations from around the world. This is a villain who does not live in some gigantic island base or underwater in some base that rises from the ocean depths. He has a fairly fancy yacht but that’s about it. He is the man who takes care of the money for terrorist organizations from around the world. He invests the money and makes it available to them anywhere on the planet. He also, occasionally, has to create a terrorist act of his own in order to ensure that his investments pay-off.

When James disrupts one of his activities he finds himself in a bit of debt. With terrorists, you don’t want to tick them off by telling them you have lost their money. Le Chiffre has an ace up his sleeve, almost literally. He loves to play poker and he is very good at playing poker. So, if he can win a high-stakes game at the infamous Casino Royale, he can make back the money he lost plus more.

This is where James comes in. He is given his Double-O status and then backed by MI:6 and sent to Casino Royale to beat him in poker. He is to bankrupt Le Chiffre and thereby disrupt the finances of countless terrorist organizations across the globe. Of course, they also know that Le Chiffre will probably not be long for this earth once the people he is supposed to be helping find out hey lost all of their money.

So, yes, this is a movie where the major centerpiece of the movie is a card game. In the original Ian Fleming novel it was baccarat. They have made it a little more modern by making this card game Texas Hold ‘Em. They manage to make even this very exciting. Who would imagine watching men playing cards could be exciting? It’s tense. It builds. You’ll gasp. You’ll cheer. Man, this was a good movie.

The opening sequence, right after the credits, is a chase scene that you will just have to see to believe. The price of admission is worth it just for this scene alone. I have no idea who the actor is who plays the man Bond is chasing but this guy, or his stunt double, can do some of the most amazing acrobatics I have ever seen. This scene goes on for a long time and not a single moment of it is wasted. Is it realistic? Hell no, but damn it is exciting. They jump off of giant cranes and up and down a building under construction. This is one of the best chase scenes in any Bond film ever.

This is a stripped-down Bond. There is no “Q.” Judi Dench is back as “M.” It’s not that there are NO gadgets, but there is no pen that shoots missiles or a car that can somehow turn invisible to the naked eye. There are cell phones with tracking devices and an implant in the arm that allows Bond to call home for help. Beyond that the only thing Bond needs are his fists and his gun complete with silencer.

This Bond is brutal. He has bloody knuckles when he’s done fighting. He gets hurt. He even falls in love. Yes, there are Bone women. There are two of them, actually. Caterina Murino is the wife of one of Le Chiffre’s associates who ends up in Bond’s bed. The second is Evan Green who plays Vesper Lynd and she is the one who is supposed to provide the money for Bond’s game should he go through the original ten million she provides. She also steals Bond’s heart. Then…well, you’ll just have to see it to find out.

This is a Bond story that manages to take you back to the old days while also reminding you of more modern spy stories like the Bourne movies. In fact, I have a feeling a lot of the action was inspired in some way by those movies. We don’t need a bond with a rocket pack anymore. However, a Bond who can use his fists and a gun better than anyone will work just fine, thank you.

If there is one complaint I have about this movie is that it is a tad too long. There is a long sequence near the end where you kind of wish they would have tightened things up a bit. It’s nice to see Bond have a tender moment or two but it shouldn’t drag on quite as long as it does.

This is a very good movie. It is an excellent movie. As far at James Bond movies, this is one of the best. I loved it and I look forward to seeing it again during those James Bond marathons a few years from now. I look forward to seeing what Daniel Craig does next and sort of wish they’d just let him remake all of them starting with “Dr. No.”

Bryan W. Alaspa’s novel Dust is available in print and eBook at www.bryanalaspa.com and www.amazon.com.

Stuff’s Gonna ‘Splode

2006-11-17T06:33:00.000-08:00

There is one law about being a man that people should realize and that law would be that men love stuff that goes boom. Now, I am actually not talking about anything of a sexual nature here. The simple fact is that men tend to love things that explode. Also, for the most part, men all go through a period as children where they want to blow things up.

I make this point simply because I recently found a website with clips of nothing but buildings, bridges and smokestacks being demolished. For those of us who have always had a thing for making other things go boom this has to be the coolest job ever. Yes, you can have rock stars and movie stars and whatever other kind of stars but the guy who can hit a button and cause an building to go down and then get paid for it has to be some kind of star.

There is just something very cool about the whole thing. Yes, I know, there are also tragic demolitions and certain events in the not-too-distant past seemed to resemble one of these demolition explosions. I know that. I am also willing to concede that it is now far enough in the past that I can, at the very least, now once again sit in amazement at the site of old and abandoned buildings being brought down in that slow-motion descent followed by dust.

Apparently in China they just set a record, too, at least that’s what this particular website claims. They brought down sixteen buildings at once. The video for this has to be one of the coolest I have ever seen. Sixteen old apartment buildings in a small cluster all slowly falling to the side like gigantic dominoes is truly something to behold. Seeing the other camera angles where you see just how tiny these buildings were compared to the newer buildings around it makes you understand why this had to be done.

Of course what is amazing is that things within this industry don’t go wrong more often. It does happen and that usually gets shown on television. Still, considering these are people planting explosives all around a building and hoping that they have done so just right and in a way that will bring down tons of concrete and steel and brick without hurting anyone. How this happens as often as it does without killing more people is beyond me. The amount of training that goes into this job is staggering.

On the site I visited they showed the demolition in China. One of the buildings did not go down. They said that not enough explosives had been properly distributed throughout the building. Who gets to go in there and figure that out? Who gets to go into a building that is partially exploded and walk around and try to place more explosives so the rest of the building goes down? It has to be the guy lowest on the company totem pole, right? They send the intern in there or something, right? I know I would.

This is why men love movies that most women just scratch their heads and shrug their shoulders and roll their eyes about. By the way, women, that’s really rude, but more importantly you just don’t understand. There is something deep inside us that craves the violence. There is nothing more violent than stuff exploding. If I were to run an HD television channel I would, in addition to running the station with the sunrises, have a station that just showed stuff exploding and imploding. Buildings descending in slow motion in high-def would be pretty impressive. Mushroom clouds from nuclear tests could be run an entire week during sweeps.

I know that loving violence is wrong. I know that there is real violence in the world and it is a very tragic and terrible thing. I know that stuff exploding in any way that is destructive in a way that harms people is bad. However, watching it on screen in a fictional presentation is just awesome. If there was a movie without any plot and was just one building and thing exploding after another, in 3-D, with surround sound, on a big screen, it would be one of the biggest blockbusters ever.

There are certain movies that are perfect for this. “The Last Boy Scout” is one of those movies. This is a movie where you need to prepare for watching by finding yourself a scalpel and some kind of saw. First, cut a big circle around the top of you head. Use the saw to then but a circle around the top of your skull. Then entire use a screwdriver or have a friend remove the top of your skull and remove your brain. You are now in the perfect state to watch the most illogical and idiotic movie to star Bruce Willis and Damon Wayans.

This is a movie that has guns and people getting shot and thrown off of highway overpasses. Somehow none of the heroes manage to die or even get seriously hurt in a way that stops them from running or punching people or shooting or riding horses. Then, at the end, just when you are breathless and wondering how a movie could be this utterly stupid and yet so exhilarating, something blows up. Now that is movie cinema gold right there.

I am not one who believes that a movie should enlighten you for having watched it. For me, any movie that can allow me to shut off my brain or even lapse into a coma and I can still follow the thread of the storyline is just fine. I like the occasional profound movie, sure, but there is nothing like having a bunch of stuff blow up.

I think this may be something in our DNA. I think maybe it starts when we are kids. That particular gene kicks in the first time you watch a “Road-Runner” cartoon. As soon as you see the coyote blow himself up and then stand there as a smoking ruin but still spry enough to chase after the Road Runner again that gene kicks and you start looking for things to tie to bottle-rockets.

I remember when I was forced to play an instrument called the recorder when I was in grammar school. This is a horrible instrument that serves no particular purpose as far as I can see. I went to a grammar school where every kid was handed one of these horrible devices and we had to spend hours learning how to play them. The worst was then playing the stupid tunes we had to learn for our teachers. It was awful. It lasted until about seventh grade, I believe, and then you were no longer required to play the damn thing.

What did I do as soon as I didn’t need mine anymore? You had better believe I took it into the backyard and stuffed some firecrackers into the thing. Was watching that horrid, miserable, awful-sounding hunk of spit-covered plastic explode into a million pieces about the finest moment of my young life? You had better believe it was.

Bryan W. Alaspa’s novel Dust is available in both print and ebook format at his website www.bryanalspa.com and www.amazon.com.

The Surprise of the Season

2006-11-16T06:59:00.000-08:00

It’s amazing to think that there are places in this very country where men and women devote all of their time by high school football. You see it in places like Chicago in some of the suburbs as well but it takes on a whole new level in some places like in Texas. When you live in a big city like Chicago or New York or Detroit you have major league sports team to serve as a distraction. You also have a lot of city with a lot of opportunities for kids to take advantage of. In short, football isn’t the only way to actually get out of the town and into a big city.

A few years back there was a book called “Friday Night Lights” about a town in Texas where football was pretty much the very lifeblood of the town. It was a kind of obsession that even the most ardent Bears or Packers fan would find strange. It was the kind of obsession that made it seem as if people would live and die based upon what the local high school football team did. Whereas you may wait until Sunday with anticipation for your NFL team or maybe Saturday to watch you favorite college team but these places waited for Friday night. The games are carried on local television and news stations. The local sports radio stations talked about the games and the players the way your local sports radio stations may talk about the NFL team.

That book was turned into a movie starring Billy Bob Thornton. It was a modest hit and pretty well received by critics. It told the story of a man who came to the town of Odessa Texas and was put in charge of a team called the Panthers. It gave information about how life centered around high school football in that town. It told the story of how economic depression had pinned everyone’s hopes on whether or not the high school team would make into the state finals every year.

I never saw that movie. A television show about football wasn’t one I was particularly interested in seeing. I also had a problem that a television show called “Friday Night Lights” was not actually going to be on Friday nights which seemed logical. However, I liked the actor Kyle Chandler who was going to be playing the lead and the previews seemed to be rather interesting and intense. I decided I had nothing better to do and would tune in to the first episode.

What I found was the surprise of the season. I found a show that was filmed in a documentary style. I found a television show that was powerfully written with well-developed characters. I found compelling storylines and interesting people plus amazingly filmed football game footage. Finally, I found a show that was well-acted.

It’s tough to find actors who are supposed to be high school students who can act. This seems to be an issue that “Friday Night Lights” has solved. There is the quarterback who ends up with the spinal injury. His recovery has managed to become a story that is almost as compelling as whether or not the team is going to make it into the finals. The story of the back-up quarterback trying to maintain leadership over the team resonates with me here in Chicago after going through last Bears season and watching back-up quarterback Kyle Orton hold the team together.

Then there’s the player who is the quarterback’s best friend who is also an alcoholic and has a huge crush on the quarterback’s girlfriend. He blames himself for his friend ended up in the hospital and uses that as an excuse to fall deeper into his addictions and self-destructive behavior.

Meanwhile there is the quarterback who was illegally recruited to play on the team. He was displaced due to Hurricane Katrina and was an all-star player on his Louisiana team. Now the coach and the team may be in trouble due to the illegal recruitment.

Holding all of this together is the story of the coach and his family. How does a man manage to live day-to-day when the hopes and dreams of the town are placed squarely on his shoulders seconds after he wakes every day? Everywhere he goes people give him advice on how he should coach the team and who he should play. When he loses the townspeople seem to feel they have the right to threaten the man and his family. There is a disturbing scene where the coach enters a fast-food restaurant with his daughter and his daughter is accosted by a man who at one time won a state championship with the football team. The fact that he is now fat, still living in the town, and still obsessed with high school football doesn’t seem to matter with him.

Some of the racism that was dealt with in the movie is absent in this television show, but it is there. The black students are treated more like animals who are expected to perform on cue for the masses. Meanwhile each of them holds out hope that a big college might recruit them and then they might get to the pros and provide money to their families.

What is so compelling about this is that you know there are towns like this going through things like this right now. There are towns right now gearing up for the Friday night game and there are kids who are putting the hopes and dreams of the entire town on their heads. There are kids right now who think that football is the only hope they have to getting out of some small no-name town and into a life of untold riches. All of them forget the toll that this game takes on their bodies or forget that the rich linebacker can now barely walk with his career over because his knees are shot forever.

The head coach of the Chicago Bears, Lovie Smith, came from a town like that. Part of the reason he may be so good at what he does is because he came from a place where everyone lived on a steady diet of football. I would guess that he is the exception, however, and not the rule. I am willing to bet that all of those kids out there in that town right now really have no more chance of turning pro than I do.

It’s a sad fact that all of that pressure may not lead to more than a life in a small town, growing old, gaining weight and then sitting there at middle age looking at a tarnished state championship ring. That is what the show “Friday Night Lights” is about. That seems heavy, but the show is also compelling, well-written and exciting. You care about these people. It’s the surprise of the season and I am hoping the Dillon Panthers make it to the state championship.

Bryan W. Alaspa’s novel Dust is available at his website www.bryanalaspa.com and www.amazon.com.

In Case You’ve Been Wondering What O.J. Has Been Up To

2006-11-15T06:27:00.000-08:00

I had originally planned to write about a show that has taken me by surprise by being of excellent quality. It’s nice when that kind of thing happens mostly because it has been so rare as of late. There was a time when you might find multiple shows that were pretty good. Of course that may have been when I was about ten years old so it’s hard to say if I had any real taste considering I was still watching cartoons on Saturday morning. Anyway, I had wanted to recommend a show to people because I have been taken by surprise by this particular show. However, the Fox network showed a commercial for something that almost knocked me on the floor.

You are probably aware of the Fox network. I remember when Fox officially became a network. There was a time when David Letterman would talk about the Fox network and then laugh in fake hysterical laughter. This was back when Fox was showing things like “Married…With Children” and a bunch of shows about autopsying aliens. Of course that also made Fox famous. It was Fox who was willing to put on just about any show that anyone pitched at them. We all remember the various “When Things Attack” phase of the network.

Since that originally time the network has managed to put on some quality shows and made itself a major network force to be reckoned with. “The X-Files” is a good example of that. The thing about that show, however, at least with me, is I find I have no desire to watch them in syndication. Fox also now has shows like “House” and “Prison Break” which are also quality shows in my opinion. Finally the show has always been the best place to find the funniest animated shows ever. “The Simpsons” has to hold the record as being the longest-running and yet consistently-funny show in television. I am also a huge fan of “Family Guy” and “American Dad.”

It seems, however, that Fox just cannot get fully away from the days when it would show pictures of bears attacking old women or whatever. I saw a commercial for a show entitled, and I swear to you I am not kidding, “O.J. Simpson: If I had Done it, this is How it was Done.” Having just written that I actually had to pause, rub my eyes comically, and then stare again at what I had just written. I kept waiting for it to be a joke when I watched the commercial. I kept waiting for the punch-line. I kept wondering when it would be revealed to be some kind of “Punk’d” show or “MadTV.” For all I know this will still turn out to be a joke. O.J. Simpson did have a show you could get on Pay-Per-View where he did practical jokes.

So, judging from the commercial, O.J. is going to sit there and in some weird Bizzarro World interview act like he didn’t commit the murders but then explain how he would have committed them if he had. In addition to having sore eyes from the rubbing I just gave myself a headache with that explanation. Here’s the thing that O.J. needs to keep in mind: we all know you did it and we always have.

It seems a silly thing considering what has happened since O.J. had the entire country held in its thrall. September 11, 2001 was still years away. It is amazing to think that there was a simpler time when we didn’t live in fear and weren’t at war and an ex-football player who had killed his wife and an innocent waiter could hold our attention.

Like a lot of people I got fairly caught up in the thing. I was on the air at a college radio station when the whole slow chase thing was going on. I was getting phone calls from people wanting to update me on what was going on. I figured O.J. was going to shoot himself in the head inside that Bronco but that didn’t happen. No, we had months and months of details and trial shenanigans to endure yet.

Like a lot of people, I was also surprised that he was found not guilty. One thing that people often forget when people are found that is that they are not declared “innocent.” All they say is you are “not guilty” which is a bit of semantics and splitting-hairs but it is important. Essentially “not guilty” means that the prosecution hasn’t presented enough of a case to show that you are guilty.

What was always interesting to me was that O.J. claimed he had cut his hand by breaking a glass when he was here in Chicago at a hotel. I knew where the hotel was that he was supposed to be staying at when he was here. I used to drive past it all the time. I remember when cops were combing the area around the hotel looking for the knife.

I wonder what O.J. is going to say during this particular television special. It seems amazing to me that he is going to say anything in particular. Of course he isn’t going to just admit that he did it. At the same time he is going to give his theories on how someone could get away with that kind of murder. Apparently this is what all of his independent investigating has dug up for him. Remember when he said he was going to devote his time to finding Nicole’s killer and then went golfing? Apparently he found some evidence on the ninth hole.

Of course Fox is showing this during the sweeps period that comes every November. More than likely people will tune it. At the very least it will be nice to visit and remember a time when you didn’t have to worry if the guy who lives across the street was a terrorist. It was such a kinder, gentler time when you just had to worry about ex-football stars lopping your head off with a giant knife.

It is also a throwback to a simpler time when the Fox network was showing specials about people autopsying alien bodies. It was a nice time to remember when you could turn on Fox and see animals attacking children. If only for nostalgic purposes this show may be worth watching.

As for me, I remember the O.J. trial because of one phrase a friend of mine named Pat once said on a radio talk show. Back then Pat and his brother and some friends would call this local night-time radio talk show and see if they could get on the air posing as legit callers and then fill their statements with inside jokes. The goal was to see how long you could remain on the air with ridiculous sounds going on in the background or silly noises or strange phrases being thrown out. It was funny. Pat, however, called in once about O.J. and may have said one of the funniest sentences I have ever heard.

“I think when the DA and the LAPD get the DNA tests back they’re going to see it was O.J.’s fault those people were DOA, do you agree with me?”

Yes, I do, Pat. Yes, I do.

Bryan W. Alaspa’s novel Dust is available for sale at his website www.bryanalaspa.com and www.amazon.com.

Conspiracy Month

2006-11-14T05:35:00.000-08:00

November is the month that seems to pull the conspiracy nuts out of the woodwork. Of course, this month seems destined to bring them out more than even a normal November. The first reason this month always brings them out is because John F. Kennedy was assassinated toward the end of this month. Nothing makes the average conspiracy nut salivate more than mention of Dealey Plaza, the Texas School Book Depository or Lee Harvey Oswald. If you want to make them really get upset and possibly injure you I dare you to bring up the Warren Commission as well. God forbid you even hint at the idea you might believe what the commissions said in their findings. This month is also supposed to see the release of the movie “Bobby” which is about the last hours of Bobby Kennedy’s life.

I have talked about conspiracy nuts before. I can speak about them with some kind of authority because I can freely admit that I was one. When you want to find out about sin you need to go out and ask a sinner. If you want to find out what being a conspiracy nut is like you need to seek one out. How bad was I? Well, I was into UFOs and I thought an entire committee was hidden behind the fence on Dealey Plaza and shot Kennedy, Connelly, four policemen, a dog and somehow were responsible for the Paris Hilton sex tape. I was pretty out there.

The thing about it was that it was just cool to believe you had some kind of secret that no one else should have. Of course you forget the fact that there are about six million other people who also believe aliens are dissecting cows and multiple people shot Kennedy. The thing was that there was always an aura of danger around the whole thing. I remember having ambitions of wanting to discover some great nugget that would prove the government had killed Kennedy and then being on the run from the government myself.

On that day in November Kennedy was supposed to be visiting Dallas because there had been a lot of political turmoil in the area at the time. Nixon had been there and been pummeled by protestors. In fact, a lot of people forget that Kennedy was not particularly popular when he was killed. In fact a lot of the glow of his office had worn off at the time. The Cuban Missile Crisis was a great moment for him but much of what happened during has handling of the crisis would not even be known for decades. By sheer force of will he and his cabinet managed to keep the Soviets away from Cuba.

It was an idea to make his entire parade there as public as possible. A lot people say that the infamous “bubbletop” should have been on the limousine and that it was left off deliberately because they wanted him killed. It had been raining the day before his visit and all that morning. Actually the idea was to keep him in an open car so people could see him. It was hoped that seeing Jack and Jackie would provide some good will to a place that had turned so hostile to politicians recently. The only way that damn bubbletop was going to be used was if it was still raining. Also, apparently the bubbletop was made out of plexiglass and wasn’t even bulletproof.

There are those who say it was impossible for Oswald to have made those shots with just three bullets. They always point to the supposed “magic bullet” and say this is the proof. What a lot of people forget is that the Zapruder film was not the only film taken during the event. In fact there were other film cameras in operation on the plaza that day. Also there were a lot of people there all taking pictures as the car went along. That’s what was put together during this special I recently saw on the Discovery Channel.

They assembled the pictures, analyzed the scene from every angle and started to put together the crime scene. They used ballistics gel and these fake bodies that had actual bones and fake muscle tissue to as closely approximate bodies as it is possible to do without shooting actual people. They then lifted a basket using a crane and hired a sharp-shooter to take shots at it. They positioned the bodies in the exact way they had been positioned when that supposed “magic bullet” was fired. What happened? Well, it was pretty amazing.

Turns out that the bullet did start to tumble as it passed through Kennedy’s neck so that it was cart wheeling in the air when it exited. This meant it hit Connelly sideways and ripped open a good-sized wound in his back. All of that tumbling caused it to continue to do so through his body. Essentially when the bullet came out it hit what would have been the guy’s wrist and ended up in almost the exact area where Connelly’s thigh would have been. By that time the bullet didn’t have quite enough momentum left for it to come out the other side. Also, the type of bullet used was meant to actually go through people and do maximum damage as it did so. So the excellent condition of the bullet might have been possible.

Now, I am not saying this is definite proof of Oswald acting alone. He may have had people handling him. There may have been others involved. For all I know the people who actually killed him put together this documentary, I am just saying it was pretty cool watching a guy in a crane shooting ballistics gel, really…that’s all.

No one wants to believe that someone who carried so much hope was taken so randomly. I can understand that too. A lot of people project hopes and dreams onto Kenney without having a clue whether or not he would have really done. They say he would have pulled us out of Vietnam. Considering his moves put our advisors there it’s hard to say he would have just immediately pulled out. Would the world have changed and would we all be flying around in jet packs in perfect harmony had he lived? Who knows? Maybe his flings with Marilyn Monroe and others would have just been too tempting for too many reporters and he would have ended up ending his Presidency in disgrace.

The same can be said for his brother Bobby. There are almost as many rumors and theories about his death as there area about JFK. Bobby seemed even more full of hope and since so many people were heartbroken over the death of his brother they projected their hopes about him onto Bobby. Who knows what actually happened in that hotel kitchen? Did Sirhan act alone? There seems to have been a lot of bullets fired judging from the holes they always show in the pictures. I have this feeling Bobby might have been shot by an over-anxious bodyguard rather than any conspiracy.

In the end, it is impossible to know. We do live in a world where our heroes can be killed stupidly. Look at the death of John Lennon for a prime example. It is sad, but it’s true. So, all this month, listen with an open mind, but think with a skeptical brain.

Bryan W. Alaspa’s novel Dust is available for sale at his website www.bryanalaspa.com and www.amazon.com.

And Now a Word from Our Sponsors

2006-11-13T07:39:00.001-08:00

You know you have to put up with them, provided you are not part of the TiVO generation. These are the little bits of entertainment between the shows. You may know them better as commercials. Perhaps it’s been a while since you even watched these things. Luckily for you, I am keeping an eye on things for you. First thing you should know is that they have not gotten any better in the years since you first started using your remote to flip around when they came on.

In fact, I am starting to think there may be a problem in the advertising world. They seem to have completely lost the ability to create decent commercials. I have a hard time blaming TiVO as the generation that will grow up with that device have not yet gotten jobs in the advertising field. As such, they would not be there to create these infernal commercials that are not funny, not creative and not able to sell anything.

At the top of the list has to be the old guy with the foreign accent selling the miles program for a national credit card company. OK, I have never officially worked in the advertising agency but I can tell you that one of the things you should do when you have a spokesman is that you should try to find one that you can understand. I have no idea what this guy is saying. His sidekick is not funny but just stupid. At the end of each commercial the old foreign dude says something that sounds like, “rewarring, veddy, veddy, rewarrring.”

I have been morally opposed to the Burger King guy ever since I first saw him. One of the other rules for advertising that I would like to put out there is that if you want to have a mascot then you should have a mascot that has moving facial features. Its mouth should move or even an eyebrow. At the very least it should wink. The one exception to this would be the Jack-In-The-Box guy and even he can change facial expressions from time to time. Essentially the actual Burger King himself is just creepy.

The Army has been showing commercials lately that conveniently leave out certain facts about being in the Army. Of course, that is also a rule in advertising that you shouldn’t put anything in there that might turn people off from your product. Still the Army commercials where you show parents who are happy that the Army has made their son or daughter smarter or stronger or that they can run faster just seems a little odd to me. Or the one where the father tells his son that he looked him in the eye and shook his hand for the first time.

I have just about had the end of the whole cell phone commercial thing. The one where Joan Cusak is sitting in what looks like a shopping mall singing the words “Call me” over and over again has to mark a low-point in her career. I am also getting tired of the guy in glasses who heads up the “network” of that one cell phone company. His smirk is getting on my nerves.
There are a few commercials out there that aren’t too bad. I like the one where the car manages to fall through the center of the earth. You just have to occasionally tip your hat at a commercial that obviously cost as much as Hollywood movie to make. Of course, I kind of wish they would stop playing it every five seconds during football season.

I am very tired of the commercial where the Loch Ness Monster attacks that car. Who is screaming “shoot it, shoot it!” at the end of that commercial anyway? Why would someone want to just shoot the monster having finally just discovered it? None of those particular special effects look good anymore.

I am liking nearly every commercial that star Peyton Manning these days. I would have to say my favorite commercial from last year was the one where he was walking around getting autographs from guys working in grocery stores and asking wait-staff for their aprons. I also like the one where he is selling some kind of cell phone with the goofy wig and mustache.

I recently saw a commercial where two guys shoveled up some dog poop and then slapped it into the hand of an obnoxious neighbor. I am both amused and utterly repulsed by this commercial. Part of the problem is, of course, the way in which the message comes across is so shocking I don’t think I could tell you what the product was if you put a gun to my head.

I also would like to put a moratorium on the drugs for men with erectile dysfunction. At the very least they should make an attempt to make sense. I don’t know about the old couple who appear to be headed upstairs when their grandkids suddenly stop by. How would you feel if grandma and grandpa kept giving each other lewd looks the entire time you were visiting? Also, what place in the world has bathtubs in the middle of the ocean? Is there a lighthouse somewhere with this feature? This commercial needs to be selling vacation packages to that place and not for the pills.

I guess I just don’t understand where these advertising guys are coming from. I guess they just want to try and be different. I can appreciate that, but why do you have to go from different to ridiculous? It has always been my impression that most of those ads are created by teams of people. These teams of people sit around and have brainstorms and they come up with ads. At some point do they completely lose touch and end up with monster living in the lungs of children who then get coughed away? Do we need anthropomorphic phlegm? Who decides what phlegm should look like? What is phlegm doing that it can evidently have children?

So, what I am saying is that in all of those meeting with all of those people sitting around and staring at their screens and drawing storyboards do they eventually decide animated phlegm is the only way to sell a medicine that is supposed to make you hawk loogies? At some point, when it is late at night and you haven’t seen your children in a week because you have been sleeping at the office do you just throw up your hands and agree that animated phlegm is the way to go? I just don’t know. If I were the drug company I would personally go back to letting pharmacists recommend my product and not trying to make phlegm look cute.

Finally, as a word to advertisers, it bothers me that everyone in commercials uses their credit cards upside down. I know, you want the label and the name of the card to be seen, but no one has a magnetic stripe on the bottom of the card so you can swipe it right-side up. It just doesn’t happen. It never will happen. Stop it.

Bryan W. Alaspa’s novel Dust is available at his website www.bryanalaspa.com and www.amazon.com.

An Anthem

2006-11-12T20:08:00.003-08:00

Back in 1985 the Chicago Bears unleashed the song “The Super Bowl Shuffle” upon the world. There was even a video in which most of the players danced awkwardly and badly and a few even pretended to play instruments. It was a rap tune, just to make things even more embarrassing. If there is anything more embarrassing than Jim McMahon rapping it might be Steve Fuller rapping. The thing is that they went on to win the Super Bowl and I think that was a good thing otherwise that video would have been REALLY embarrassing. However, on behalf of Chicago I would like to apologize for unleashing the “Super Bowl Shuffle” upon the rest of you.

The Bears are having another good season. They won seven games in a row. Then they lost to Miami. They lost to Miami the year they won the whole thing too. However, the Bears now have to go on this bizarre extended east coast run to play both New York teams and the New England Patriots. Of course the Bears beat the Patriots in the Super Bowl that year and I only bring that up just to rub salt into the wounds of New Englanders. It’s a small wound considering they have gone on to win something like twelve Super Bowls and they have Tom Brady. We have Rex Grossman who may or may not be the best quarterback the Bears have ever had since some guy with the first name Syd back in the 40s.

So, I think maybe it’s time for a new Bears theme. Mostly because it’s time to put away the Chicago Bears of 1985 and move on to something else. Yes, they were a great team. There has rarely been anything as scary in the game of football as that defense. Mike Singeltary staring with those crazy wide eyes had to have been enough to make some offensive linemen and quarterbacks wet themselves. However, it is now 2006. That means it is now past twenty years since that team took the field. You would be hard-pressed to even find where William “Refrigerator” Perry is right now. It’s time to start a new era.

There is a radio show here in Chicago run by a guy named Jonathon Brandmeier. It’s a morning show and the guy is kind of a radio legend. He has a contest going now where listeners can submit songs that will eventually be voted as the best and the winner gets five grand. Of course because the station hasn’t gotten official NFL approval for the thing when he talks about the contest he can’t even mention the fact that the song is for the Chicago Bears. He has been playing clips from those who have submitted things already. There seems to be a consistent problem with them, however, and I think that people have forgotten what a sports anthem should be.

It wasn’t always this way. Back when the group Queen wrote the song “We Will Rock You” they made a conscious effort to construct the song so it would be stomped and chanted during soccer matches. I have no idea if Gary “Vietnam Pedophile” Glitter actually knew his song would become an anthem or not, but it did.

People are very confused by “American Idol” I think. This would be another reason why I think that show is evil. The songs I have heard from this contest so far are not anthems. These are not songs inebriated football fans would want to sing along and dance along with in unreasonably cold weather with their shirts off. For all of the general badness of “The Super Bowl Shuffle” the damn thing was a song you could dance to in a stadium and chant along with during a game. I think that may be the key to sports anthems and that would be that the song should be kind of crappy.

The songs submitted so far have people belting out these ridiculous heart-felt songs about the Bears. Who in the hell is going to sit there with their pot-belly hanging out from their worn out Bears jersey while holding a beer and sing out some sort of ballad about Brian Urlacher? No one, would be the answer to that particular question.

Just look at some of the anthems. While “We Will Rock You” is also a great rock song it is ridiculously simple. It is a bunch of people stomping and clapping while the singer chants trash-talk. The chorus is easy to chant and is, in fact, the title of the song. Then there’s a great guitar solo that soused sports fans can air-guitar to.

“Who Let the Dogs Out” has to be the most inane song ever created. It sits right along side with such classic bad-song gems like “The Macarena” and that song where the guy sings about all of the women he has slept with. Still the fact is that “Who Let the Dogs Out” is easy to remember. You can chant along with it and make those barking noises. Nothing says “anthem” like making animal noises.

There have been accidental anthems. The key to the anthem is the simplicity. Some guy wrote this song about a guy singing to this woman who was cheating on him. He wanted her to go ahead and kiss him good-bye. When it became obvious this was a potential hit he created this group called Steam and released “Na-Na-Hey-Hey” for everyone else to chant as pitchers leave the field during White Sox home games. Why does it work? Because the song lyrics are simple and stupid and even juvenile and easy to chant and remember and not some long loving dissertation about the wonders of Rex Grossman’s throwing arm.

Previous anthems have always been simple. “Bear Down Chicago Bears” is a rather simple song and has to be one of the earlier sports anthem songs to achieve some sort of popularity. I don’t know the exact history and origins of the sports anthem because I am just not ambitious enough to look it up but I am betting it started as something for cheerleaders to do on the sidelines. Chanting cheers and easy-to-follow anthems are very close cousins.

So, we need a new anthem here in Chicago. It should be simple. It should be something you can sing along with. It should not be something that some young wannabe Carrie Underwood will sing and look like she might be straining a muscle while singing it. It should be something a working stiff wearing an out-of-fashion winter coat while wearing a stupid foam bear’s head on his own head instead of something warm.

So, come on Chicago. Let’s put something together. I want to see a video with Peanut Tillman dancing before the end of the year.

Bryan W. Alaspa’s novel Dust is now available for sale at his website www.bryanalaspa.com and www.amazon.com.

Fall and Television

2006-11-10T05:48:00.000-08:00

There are times when I feel like I am becoming one of those cranky old men who sit there and talk about how things were better back when I was younger. That isn’t the case. Generally speaking things are better now than they were in the good ol’ days. Of course, the things that were happening in the good ol’ days weren’t really all that good. Plus, technology is better now and, generally speaking, that makes things better.

However, there was a time when television shows made something like 656 shows per season. The “Honeymooners” was only one for like half of a season but they made six hundred and fifty-three thousand shows which is why they can run in syndication in perpetuity. Somewhere along the way television seasons became something like two and a half shows for hour-long dramas and about ten for sit-coms. I blame the loose morals of the 1970s for this, but I only just made that up and I don’t actually have any evidence.

That was fine for a long time. Now, however, something has come along that I just don’t understand. When did television shows start having “Fall Season Finales?” I believe I speak for all television viewers when I say, “Um, huh?”

See, what used to happen was the television shows premiered for the fall sometime in September. All of your favorite television show characters would be back and bigger than life, unless of course they were canceled in the off-season. Still, most of them came back and that was great. It was like welcoming old friends or something equally poetic. Then you got to sit through the entire season. There would be times throughout the year when repeats would be shown. As I recall, when I was a youth, running barefoot through the fields, these repeats came sometime during the holidays. I have no idea why this was. I mean, they usually had the whole season filmed and “in the can” anyway. Still, I guess they figured no one would be watching television during the holiday season.

This is a misnomer of course. Hardly anyone I know actually goes on vacation during the holidays. Instead they all take time away from work and sit at home. The problem then is that there’s nothing to watch on television. Sure, relatives come over but, at some point, you get sick of all of that noise and the only way to shut it out is to turn on the television. Which, of course, is only showing repeats.

Anyway, you lived through the repeat season and then, after the first of the year, the shows would come back and you would watch them until the big climax. Then there would be the big season finale sometime around the time when the school year would end. The season finales were what you waited for all season. The whole season built to these things. This was what brought the world “Who Shot J.R.?” It was the season finale that blew up the apartment complex at the end of “Melrose Place.” It was the season finale that had the big showdown between Buffy and whatever villain she had been fighting all season long on “Buffy the Vampire Slayer.” When “The West Wing” was a good show one season ended with the President being shot.

This is the way of television. This is where I sound like an old man. Why? Because that was the way I liked it. I blame the television show “Prison Break” with this disturbing new trend. You see when this show came on in the fall of ’05 no one was really sure how it would be received. It was on Fox and it was on the same night as “24.” For some reason they had pushed back the start of “24” until after the first of the year. I think there may have been some other show that was in the mix on Monday night. However, “Prison Break” became a kind of hit and they had to finish the damn season and actually break them out of prison just so the title would make sense. However, they had to clear the schedule a bit to show “24” and so they stopped “Prison Break” in the middle of the fall and resumed it again later in the spring.

I may have some of those facts mixed up but I believe this may have been the genesis of the “Fall Season Finale” which is a trend I would like to put a stop to right now even though I know not a single television network will ever read this or care. You see November is a “sweeps” month which means ratings really matter so they must love the idea of having a big-deal episode for shows and then resuming those shows in February which just happens to be another “sweeps” month and so they get everyone coming back to view those shows that they have had to live without for three months.

Don’t they realize that the only thing that gets us through the winter months is television? It already gets dark at like two-thirty in the afternoon. The only glow that can save us and get us through those dark nights is the warm glow of the boob tube. Sure, they now program shows during the summer. Yes they have been shoving also-ran shows at us as replacements during the winter months for years. However, the great thing was that you could ignore those and still have your favorite characters to watch.

Most recently the show that completely upset me with this is “Lost.” In fact, they just had the “Fall Season Finale.” This is the show I was anxiously waiting for all summer long. They have shown like four episodes, answered nothing, made everything more confusing and now they just want to leave us hanging for three months. What the hell kind of torture is this? What are they putting in is place? They are putting on a show that appears to be “Groundhog’s Day” with explosions.

My advice for ABC is not to put this show on the air. I know, you got Taye Diggs and he costs a lot of money and stuff, but how annoying is this show going to be? Also, isn’t there a Denzel Washington movie coming out that deals with déjà vu? How annoying is it to watch a show where the same day is repeated again and again and again.

They have already changed the series premier times. I have had to live with waiting until after the first of the year for “24” to start as it is. I have lived with shows that ended up being in the minds of autistic kids. I have watched shows that were brilliant and funny get canceled. I want, very much, to draw the line at “Fall Season Finales.” It has to stop somewhere. Right?

Bryan W. Alaspa’s novel Dust is available for sale at his website www.bryanalaspa.com and www.amazon.com.

The Craziness Disease Continues

2006-11-09T06:48:00.000-08:00

Not long ago I wrote about how celebrities seem to be coming down with some kind of craziness disease. At the time I focused more on the movie and television stars. I believe I also mentioned Madonna and her apparent decision to shop for children as though she were shopping for groceries. However, mostly I was talking about movie stars. It’s nice to know that the craziness disease has also expanded to our musical stars.
Of course Kanye West has been showing signs of being a little nuts for a while now. How anyone could forget his tirade shortly after Hurricane Katrina that left Mike Myers looking as though he were about to be run down by a speeding train is beyond me. Yes, George Bush may not care about black people, but I am not entirely sure a telethon designed to help people suffering from a natural disaster is the place to air those particular grievances.

A lot of people like Kanye. He is particularly popular around here in the Chicago area. He grew up on the south side of Chicago and he’s become a kind of hometown hero. We had to have one to make up for the whole R. Kelly disaster. When you back the wrong horse you generally immediately look for another horse to back. When the horse you backed turns out to be whizzing on young girls you really have to consider looking for another thoroughbred. Kanye seemed like a decent horse to back. He has talent. He has charisma. He hasn’t been caught throwing bodily fluids upon teenagers. He does, however, seem to have a problem with his mouth.

I think a couple of years ago he threw a bit of a fit at another awards ceremony and made some kind of joke about having a big celebration planned or something. Just recently, however, he did it again in Europe. Apparently some kind of MTV Europe thing where he lost and immediately jumped on staged and then grabbed the microphone. What followed was some kind of tirade about how he should have won. What did this accomplish? Was it some kind of a joke? From my understanding his people are trying to pass it off as some kind of joke. If it is a joke then Andy Kaufman must be the insanity disease that’s been possession the celebrities. He would have loved that kind of thing.

It’s nice to know that the insanity hasn’t just infiltrated the rap community. Of course, it has always been a little evident in the rap community. How else to explain Public Enemy and that guy they hired who wore the military uniform and said all kinds of things about Jews? How else to explain the enduring but baffling celebrity of Diddy?

However, just the other day Faith Hill decided to show that insanity and acting poorly at awards show is not something confined just to the rap community and isn’t just confined to MTV Europe. If you haven’t seen this video I recommend you get online. You should probably visit YouTube. Why? Because YouTube has everything these days.

Apparently Faith was up for female country performer of the year. Along with her was nominated that blond girl who won American Idol a couple of years back and then immediately became a country singer, Carrie Underwood. Apparently forgetting that every single solitary awards show likes to put cameras on the other nominees she appears to react in a not-very-sporting way when the winner was read as Carrie Underwood. What did Ms. Hill do? She threw up her hands, looked disgusted, scrunched her face up and very obviously shouted one word.

“WHAT?”

Of course now her people are claiming it was a joke. They say she was just pretending to act that way. Then, confusingly, they also said she didn’t realize the camera was on her. When you see her reaction it was hard to say this was a joke. She looked royally pissed. Plus, if she was joking and thought the cameras weren’t on her then who was the joke supposed to be for? The stagehands?

Faith Hill’s people say they have spoken to Carrie Underwood’s people. Carrie says she understands it was a joke. On the other hand what is Carrie Underwood supposed to say? She’s like sixteen years old and trying to make it in the music business. Faith Hill is a powerhouse in the country music world and to try to start some kind of fight would be career suicide for her. Well, she could always make it in the rap community, think.

Exactly what has gotten into these people? Again, I cannot imagine. If Faith Hill was trying to play some kind of joke why did she execute it so poorly? What was the point? Who was it supposed to amuse? Was she about to launch her career as a stand-up comedian? What’s the deal with Kanye? Is he trying to make a break into performance art?

The fact is I think fame just makes you lose touch. You forget what’s acceptable and what isn’t. You surround yourself with people who just say yes to you about everything and tell you how great you are. You forget that they are just trying to keep their jobs and bask in your reflected glow. One of the best examples of how this can go horribly wrong is with Elvis. He was surrounded by a whole gang of people who just wanted to stay employed with Elvis. That meant if “E” wanted drugs these people would find doctors to prescribe them. If Elvis wanted to eat gigantic sandwiches made with an entire jar of peanut butter and three pounds of bacon then they got it for him.

The problem is that if you let it go too long you lose touch entirely and the people around you don’t see it when you are self-destructing. Of course we all know what happened to Elvis. He faked his death and got a job working at Burger King in Michigan. No, seriously, he died from it.
I am not saying either Faith or Kanye are going to die form acting like idiots at awards show. I am just saying it could be a sign that perhaps they are losing touch with reality a bit. Perhaps they are forgetting what it means to be a regular person and how to act. If they are doing it in public then what are they doing behind closed doors? Plus, is what they are doing behind closed doors available at YouTube?

Bryan W. Alaspa’s novel Dust is available for sale at his website www.bryanalaspa.com and www.amazon.com.